Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Substitute Teacher
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Just to throw this out there: This article is nowhere near completed. I just wanted some input on the text I have so far, and maybe some helpful people out there could give me some tips on how to continue the article.
|Humour:||6||I've read it through and I'm slightly confused. Are you half way through writing this (hence why the last section has no text under it) or is that how it's meant to be, because substitute teachers don't know anything about structure? I've read the whole thing through and to be honest with you this needs a lot of work. This article could be very funny if you put work into, it has the potential. To make this really funny you should have a look at what I've written for concept... On the jokes side I don't think you've made enough use of the pranks kids would play on this substitute teacher. The opening could be longer with lots of funny pranks being played.
Opening: "You with the face! My desk is not a chair! " - this illicited a smile, but the rest is a bit bland. It needs a lot more funny to it. I'm sure you've read this, but why not read it again? Freshen your memory and get cracking writing some amazing jokes to fit in here. As I've said there's plenty to do with a teacher and kids...pranks, teacher lines. Just add those good one liners and you'll be on your way. "Well, all right. Your normal teacher, Master Bates--HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! " Now this almost illicited a smile, but I think I see what you're trying to do here, among other things: kids find stupid things funny and that in itself can be funny if done well and not too often. I'm not sure, but I reckon this one line could do with a bit of improving, it's a hard one but you've got to get your article polish out and give it a good rubbing down. "... health accident " - That mislink in there to "masturbation" is fairly funny but when you start repeating it later on, it isn't quite as funny. And now the teacher's name..."My name is Mrs. Missus " - This feels almost like an anti-climax! It feels a bit like you're chickening out of giving the teacher a really silly name that all the kids would find hilarious. Google "the funniest names" or something and give this teacher a really hilarious name, you can do it! "Let's begin today's lesson. " - With so few pranks? You need to really add some punch to this section, as I said. If you do, though, it could be really quite funny.
|Concept:||7.5||Well this is an interesting idea, but the way you've got it at the moment it's more like an UnScript. Your current idea is just over average, but I have a few suggestions on how you can improve it. Why not write this like a normal Uncyclopedia article about teachers with loads of witty, satirical, funny jokes thrown in (which I'm sure you're capable of) but make it so there are lots interruption from the children asking silly/stupid questions about things that have been said, making fart noises or getting the teacher to do something. Do you get what I'm trying to say here? It would kinda be like the tourettes article, but different.|
You could steal bits of the wikipedia article but change them and add jokes. However you've got to avoid doing this way over-the-top-ly. If you've managed to understand any of that and what I'm suggesting but have a few questions (or just generally have questions and what answers) feel free to drop by my talkpage. Go on see what you can do, impress me!
|Prose and formatting:||6||Well this could be better. The article is far too short, in my opinion, and needs lots of feeding and lots of fattening up. This sort of ties in with my ideas about the concept. I think you made it short on purpose, possibly, because substitute teachers "Lack Knowledge of Normal Class Structure ". But I'm afraid to say this doesn't work that well. Also things like the ringing at the beginning of the page ("Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing! ") should be in bigger font and centered or could even be replaced with an animation of a bell ringing. Your header "What are substitute teachers?" should really be a level two header (it's a level one at the moment) just to conform.|
Also to address the problem of differentiating between what a pupil (or the whole class) is saying and what the teacher is saying: I think you should indent all the stuff the pupils say, put it in italics and even, if you feel like it, put the text in a different font. If you don't know how to change the font just ask me at my talkpage! "And I *snickers quiet down* will remain with you until he returns. " - Things like this are a bit odd, where the "And I" bit is in bold but the rest isn't. I see you're using bold text to symbolise emphasis and shouting, but why emphasise or shout "And I"? Generally the Prose and Formatting are almost fine here, but I'm sure you can aim for better than fine! Get your metaphorical broom out and start sweeping around, cleaning this up and making it better.
|Images:||0||No images! You need, I would say, at least two or three for an article of this length. Yes every article needs pictures. Every article, this includes this one! There's so much fun (no not that sort) that you could have with images and substitute teachers (no I don't mean that sort!). Have a think, what could you do? I'm pretty sure there are already pictures on Uncyclopedia you could add funny captions too. And if you want you can get someone else to edit/create a picture for you at UN:PIC (just submit a request there). You could even have something like a picture of drugs with the caption "But miss Mr. Bates always lets us have these!". Be creative, have a little think on this one. If you want to ask for an animation of a bell ringing feel free to do so at UN:PIC.|
|Miscellaneous:||4.9||I hope you like averages. I love averages! Oh good, I averaged all the other scores to make this very nice new score... Technically I actually found the mean of the scores, but anyway...|
|Final Score:||24.4||Well at the moment your article is definitely not one of your best but that can be changed. I honestly think this could be a very good article, of VFH standard, if you turn it from what you've got into a fully pledged encyclopaedic article (as I described in the concept section). If you can manage to make a funny, but normal, article about substitute teachers you're half-way there. Once you've got this normal, encyclopaedic article you can start adding interruptions by the pupils and class pranks. What I'm suggesting is not a complete rewrite, but that you alter your beginning, and then stitch this encyclopaedic-style-article-with-interruptions onto it. Do you get what I'm saying, or have I lost you? Your score isn't that good, I'm afraid, but this is not something that should be deletd, something good really could flower from this. I wish you lots of luck, if you need any help just ask me on my talk page (I think I've said that about 20 times now!).|
|Reviewer:||- 19:55 30 April Sir FSt. (QotF BFF NotM)|