Oh! Oh! Mine! I so got this! (after dinner that is, my tummy is not happy.) (talk) 23:17, March 2, 2011 (UTC)
Jack could you please not review this. This is TOTALY COMPELTELY NOT READY. We are working on this together and this is a TOTAL ABSOLUTE beginners draft. It would be a waste of time to review cause Im working on it too and will make a lot of changes soon. thanks --ShabiDOO 23:35, March 2, 2011 (UTC)
D: Ok I won't. Or maybe I will. Ok I won't. (talk) 23:39, March 2, 2011 (UTC)
Right, your article is reasonably well put together and the jokes that there are are constructed well, however there are several issues which are preventing me from being completely on board with your humour here. The first of those issues is the general approach to the humour; you approach the humour in such a way that when you do make an obvious joke it tends to fall flat despite the fact it should amuse. The reason for this issue, I feel is that you are constantly attempting to make the reader laugh and because of this when a joke does happen it is completely lost in the attempt to make everything funny, you seem to be trying to stop anything in the article mundane and this is hurting your humour infinitely more than it is helping it. I understand why you have done it and it isn't an unusual problem for writers who are still looking for their own particular style. If you consider your introduction to the article it goes: Joke, full stop, new joke, full stop, new joke, full stop repeat ad infinitum. My feeling is that you need to stop and develop your jokes a bit better, look at it this way: a knock knock joke can be amusing, but often more amusing are the jokes that take time to build up a scene and a situation. It is better to say "Darth Vader is a Sith Lord and keen Mathematician specialising in rotund objects, this can be observed through both his fondness for killing and the shape of the Death Star. Vader is seen to combine his interests as he tells Ben Kenobi that "the circle is now complete" before commencing the murder." While what I have written there may not be the zenith of humour or the basis for an article I hope it gets the point across that a joke does not have to end immediately, indeed it is desirable not to end your jokes immediately. My advice for remedying the problem is that you first read back through your article and identify the jokes which can be developed and those which cannot, you can use HTBFANJS to help. A brief point on HTBFANJS please do not look at it as a tool for new writers only and something which shows you are incompetent if you need to use it, it has some excellent advice that I still make use of on occasion, it can help you identify the jokes that will be best received by the people who read your article.
The above point brings me neatly onto my second issue with your article which is that you aren't really being particularly original my reaction, and I assure you it is often the reaction of other regular users of Uncyclopedia, on seeing a section entitled "Huffing a stupid cat" was not positive. The simple premise of kitten huffing has been done so often and in just about every guise that anybody now struggles to make a joke on the subject funny. What you need to consider is, what are you trying to do with this article, you need to know where you want to end up once we reach the end of the article, what do you want the reader to think about the subject matter? Remember you have identified that the article is about Stupid Cats at the start, so it would be good to end the article having advanced that assertion somewhat rather than simply describing what makes these cats stupid/identifiable. Take a look through some of our featured articles and look at how they tackle their subjects, articles like Al Gore and Elephant and see how those authors approach the subject matter they are using.
My final piece of advice is just for your writing in general, Lollipop I have read just about every article you have contributed to the site and while you have a reasonable grasp of what it is that amuses people you are trying to achieve that end far too quickly, remember that time almost always = funny, if you spend more time working on an idea, plan how you will approach it and plan what jokes you want to make then you will experience more success than if you just sit down and start writing. Please don't be put off working on this one by the huge block of text here pointing out its flaws, it is by no means the worst article I have ever seen and, as I said, is very well put together, you just need to keep working at what you want to be funny, remember that advice and help are almost always on hand here and all you need to do is ask if you want it.
As I mentioned already I don't think your concept is particularly original and your execution needs a bit more work. However your tone is good, I was impressed at your use of the encyclopaedic tone, it is very rare that it is done well on a first attempt. Just remember if you are working on the article that you shouldn't use colloquialisms or profanity unless absolutely necessary, a good way to use them is to use one to describe something once and then never do it again; "Stupid Cats are world renowned for their ability to be absolute bastards", using profanity here emphasises the authors conviction that the statement is true beyond all doubt without ruining the tone. However I won't say much more here since I have mostly already covered what I think you should look at in the previous section.
Prose and formatting:
OK there is a bit of work to be done here, your spelling and grammar needs a second look, this is not difficult to remedy immediately simply copy and paste the article into a word processor and the spell checker will find a lot of the mistakes for you, I realise you are not finished with the article but it is something to bear in mind for when you are. Uncyclopedia is full of grammar Nazi's who will dislike your article simply because you have misspelled their favourite word. The proofreading service still has a few members lurking around and I would encourage you to make use of them if you don't enjoy proofreading your work. I would also suggest you look at cutting down some of the big blocks of text as they don't look particularly good and they aren't easy or fun to read, if you take a look at some featured articles you will notice the text is broken up by paragraphs and headings throughout. You have plenty of images at the moment and their size is OK, my only advice in this case is that you consider using an infobox for the first image.
Your images aren't particularly bad and the image for the eating stupid cats section works quite well. My main advice here is that you try to link your images to your text, in the case of the second image it makes a joke but that joke would be a bit better if you link it to the text a bit better with a caption like "Sometimes you don't even need yarn to identify a Stupid Cat" and let the reader finish the joke themselves using the text and the image. Also make sure you are sure about your image captions as they are just about as important as the images themselves, make sure any changes you make to the tone are also reflected by your captions.
My overall grade of the article.
You have a piece of work here that feels unfinished and equally feels only superficial in its humour, you need to try and develop some of your jokes before you consider anything else. You have demonstrated an ability to develop humour competently so I hope that you will put in the work to realise the potential of this article. Don't be discouraged by the criticism here, I am only trying to help you make the article better, if you are still upset remember that this is just my opinion and you are welcome to ask for another at any time. If you have any comments or questions regarding this review then feel free to let me know on my talk page. Good luck making any changes.