Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Strange Looking Animal Found in Chico California Backyard

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Revision as of 16:41, August 6, 2008 by Gerrycheevers (talk | contribs)

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edit UnNews:Strange Looking Animal Found in Chico California Backyard

Can some please fix and tell me what the story is on those 5 or 6 quote marks at the end of my article?! I can't seem to get rid of them!! Smuggler 03:14, 6 August 2008 (UTC)

Cheevers99
This article is under review by
Gerry Cheevers.

Sayeth Gerry: shotgun!!
Humour: 5 you started out okay, with more of a newsy-like tone, but you quickly fell into using quotes exclusively. that format might work ok, but it quickly gets confusing. overall, i really didn't chuckle when i read this article. i don't want to get too specific with ideas on what to do, in order to avoid injecting my own writing style into your article, but i'll try to give you some general advice to spruce up your article. 1) read HTBFANJS. a lot. read it right before you read your own article, i often find that helps me see new jokes and directions to take existing jokes. 2) wander a bit more. your article almost reads like something real; other than a weird animal there's really nothing that distinguishes it from an actual story. things like an interview with bigfoot might help to add a little absurdity here, but don't overdo it. 3)cut down on the quotes or come up with a different way to present all the dialogue. you essentially have one long conversation of these two guys talking to each other, the reader is likely to get lost.
Concept: 5 4/5 points for a newsworthy concept. a weird animal? ok.

1/5 points for execution. you really can flush out this idea more.

Prose and formatting: 3 your formatting was pretty terrible. this is extremely long for an unnews. there were redlinks everywhere, and even a few red categories. the first picture is gigantic, try reducing it to about 200px or so. the constant use of italicized quotes isn't too easy on the eyes.
Images: 5 two relevant images, which really didn't do much. again, the first one is huge. i'm not sure what the 'BLM' is, try to either explain that or change the caption. go with a longer caption for the second picture.
Miscellaneous: 4.5 averaged
Final Score: 22.5 my preview button tells me that your final score is 22.5, placing it between 'might be VFD' and 'might be rewrite'. i think there is a solid concept here that you could turn into a great unnews. try sticking with an offical news-type tone, instead of abandoning all narration in favor of tons of dialog. get rid of the unsightly redlinks, and reduce that inital image size. i removed those commas at the end, they were a result of you putting commas between the categories, which was unnessecary. throw some weird stuff in, along with parallels of real weird animal cases. good luck, and if you need any further assistance, feel free to pick up the Gerryphone and dial '30'.
Reviewer: SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 16:41, 6 August 2008 (UTC)
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