I plan on doing 2 reviews on this from two different people. Th reason why is because I want this to be a very perfect articles. Its a rewrite I did and failed at VFH, so thats why I'm reviewing it. And yes I had it proofread. Indeph please. Thanks!
DirectorWILLYOU 333Talk IF YOU DARE 06:46, December 30, 2009 (UTC)
I'm in here, per request. --ChiefjusticeDS 21:41, January 1, 2010 (UTC)
Right, your article has some reasonable jokes and has some good points going for it. However, there are a couple of problems that I noticed as I read through. The first of these is that you have had to confront the difficulty that anyone who chooses to write an article about a comedic character faces, especially a fictional one; that they are essentially writing a satire of a satire, I found that it was difficult for your article to compete with the actual background to the character. I approve of your attempt to bring something new to the article and make it different by suggesting that the character is a real person, however I don't think this joke goes far enough. To explain more clearly why this is a difficulty you have to consider the impact of your article on both fans of the series and those who are unfamiliar with it, anyone who is partially acquainted with the character will know of his varying tendencies, so simply replicating these is not a sufficient draw to your article, what you need to do is find an alternative source of humour, unexplored by the writers of Family Guy. As I said I think the idea of him being a real person who is simply appearing on a TV show is okay, and that it does a reasonable job of keeping the article interesting through the early sections, however I think it needs more. My recommendation would be that you should carefully consider your subject matter and read through some featured articles about similar characters, try to focus on how these writers keep their ideas from becoming stale. A simple way that many people choose is to write in the style of their subject, but since this would necessitate a large change in the article I leave a decision about it up to you. However my overarching recommendation is that you work on expanding this joke as I feel it is not doing enough to be different from what is done already.
To focus more on what you already have written down, your jokes are reasonable and kept me reading the article, but there are a couple of occasions where you let yourself down. While I am, personally, not a big fan of jokes about rape and senseless violence, here their inclusion makes less sense than in another context, these things seem fairly out of place here, while comical violence is fine and I enjoyed the part about his various crimes I felt you go a bit over the top at times. Consider it this way, the things a reader can actually imagine happening on the TV show or comically large acts of violence (such as the destroying the Kryptonian sun) all go down well, knocking out and raping babysitters goes down less well, try to use your judgement in making jokes and decide how this will go down, you can also try to get an image of the type of thing that works and the type that doesn't by asking people. Besides this the humour holds up pretty well and you have a wealth of good ideas here, try to keep things under control and feasible within the context of Family Guy's humour and you won't be doing badly at all.
The idea behind the article is fine and I was quite pleased at the tone, however there are a couple of things I recommend you take a look at. Your encyclopaedic tone is good and the tone is quite consistent, that said there are a couple of breaks in this tone. This comes about because of a few problems, the first is that profanity does not fit very well with the encyclopaedic tone, try to be a little less crude when writing in this style as at best it breaks the tone and at worst makes you sound unprofessional and a bit stupid. If you must include profanity try to do so to a very small extent and try to make it subtle. I would also recommend the use of non-sequiturs as a good method to make jokes more subtle, if you are having problems making a sentence fit your tone, this can be remedied by using one of these. I think the best place you can look for inspiration on the tone for the humour in the middle of the article is on the wikipedia article, take a look at the way the author there writes about the character's role in family and try to emulate it. However, this is nowhere near as large a problem as it could be and you are to be commended for your tonal consistency in general.
Prose and formatting:
Right, I was very pleased to see a marked improvement in your spelling and grammar, errors are few and I would strongly recommend you continue to proofread in the same way when you make any changes to the article. Your formatting is what let's you down here, this occurred to me when I viewed the article for the first time, the first image is rather small and would serve your purposes a bit better if it were enlarged, you could even consider using an infobox to describe the character if you can find one that will work with the article. Beyond that your image formatting runs into further problems later, the images need to be bigger, they feel less complimentary to the text and more like they have been tagged on as an afterthought, use your judgement and try to resize a couple to ensure they cannot just be ignored by a reader. Try also to sort out the minor collision between the see also section and your final image, it may be to your advantage to cut one of the images and thus give yourself more room to manoeuvre the rest. I'm being a bit picky here, but formatting is of vital importance, especially as many people have a reasonable idea of what they think of your article because of the way it looks before they actually read it.
You have plenty of images and they all work, all that remains is for you to sort the formatting and perhaps give a bit more thought to your captions, remember that they should conform to the humour of the rest of your article and you should not neglect the tone when writing them either. Otherwise very good work here.
My overall grade of the article.
A massive improvement from some of your other work and I would like to see you continue to have such success. Your article is solid enough and is being held back by a couple of minor problems which can be fixed with a bit more time and effort, which I do not doubt you will give. If you have any questions feel free to ask me on my talk page. Good luck making any changes.