Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Stewie Griffin

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edit Stewie Griffin

This article needed to be rewritten, so I'd came and fixed it up. Heres the older version. Although I want to make sure it would be good enough. Indepth please. ThanksIwillkillyou 333 TALK What's it like to be a heretic? 07:59, 1 July 2009 (UTC)

Staircase in person
This article is under review by none other than.....

Stairs.
Let down your hopes, eh?
Humour: 3.5 Ok, you have a pretty long article here. But I'll still yuse the section-by-section.
  • Introduction - Actually, this intro is pretty good. You told us who he is (as if we didn't already know), and what he is like. It was a solid way to introduce to your article. However, I didn't draw a single laugh. I could tell that's not what you were going for there, but still, maybe you could add something funny to really draw a reader in there. Also, on a side note, you took a bit of a brave move here in this article, becuas eit is obviously highly viewed, edited, and probably vandalised. I admire that. (sorta)
  • History - This section was a little bit of a let down. The main problem was the fact that you kept going over and over and over on the idea that he tried to kill Lois a lot. It got very tedious very fast, and that would lose a reader. You have to make it a bit more interesting in there, and if you keep with the "trying to kill Lois constantly" theme, maybe you soulde elaborate on some of the attempts to kill her more. Go through a detailed process that makes the reader laugh, and then have it fail and make the reader sort of go "Damn, I wanted her to get killed!". Do you get what I'm saying? If not, you can get me on my talk page. Also, the birth section seemed a little bit lame to me. No offense, but, it's really hard to believe and not funny. Maybe he was trying to grab and the fetus and rip the flesh of? I don't really know. But I suggest you change that around a little bit, ok? Right.
  • Crimes - This section was a let down too. I'm not trying to be mean, I'm trying to tell you what is wrong so you can fix it, ok? Right. So. This section is pretty much like a giant list; if you've ever seen some VFH nominations you know that lists aren't good. You have a little paragraph at the beginning, but it didn't have any real jokes in it. And the next part, the murders, was really uncreative. Naming off people such as barney and Joseph Stalin isn't going to bring in any laughs, it's going to bring in more "That's not funny, dude. Please" type things. If you are going to have a list of murder victims, you should keep it to things much more orignal, such as and old band that sort of disappeared (I can't think of one right now). It might not work, but then again it might. It's wortha try, right? Also, the hitlist wasn't that bad. The petition of Lois was the thing that held it up. If you removed that, it would have the same talk as above: get rid of the celbrities. A big rule is staying away from celebrities, cause they are usually a major no-no. That stated, however, it might be hard to get a decent list going... so maybe you should just remove ita altogether. You don't need to, but still, it might work. What you should do though is stay away from lists and make it in paragraph form.
  • Dominating the World - So, after reading this section, I got a bit confused. By saying "Dominating the World" you are implying that he takes over the world. But, he doesn't You might want to change that around, for the sake of making sense. Now, to the content. This section was a little meh, All I got out of it was the fact that he used his dad's credit cards to get wepons and bombs. Personally, that isn't very entertaining. Limke the other sections, it was more of a "put down the facts" style of thing. It is crucial that you add some jokes and make it funny, otherwise it's more like Wikipedia that Uncyclopedia, and we ALL hate Wikipedia, right class? Class: RIGHT! Now. Back to what I was saying: It's stale. Unfunny. Boring. If you add funny lines in there, you make people laugh and everyone is happy. Yay!
  • Prophecy - This section got a bit confusing. Now you say right off that it can't be read... but how, then, could they figure out all fo those stasitcs, such as him being thirty eight years old and stuff? Please clarify that. Then, we get to the part about the duel. I can tell you are like any other teenager, obssessed with Halo and Family Guy. The idea of Stewie fighting with Master Chief struck me as, once again, unfunny and uncreative. maybe you should change the link to Unidentified man in green firing turret? It's a good, featured article here at Uncyc, and that would be much more creative than Master Chief.
Concept: 6 Ok, well, I'm trying to write a lot here to really make it look in-depth. Normally I would just say: It's Stewie Griffin. What else are you going to do? But I have to make it longer. So, at the beginning, you have to stay away from the over-usage of him trying to kill Lois. It got really boring, and makes readers go meh. Also, the part where it is titled "Dominiating the World" needs to be changed, as stated above. But other than that, the idea is pretty basic. I always hate doing articles on famous people for this reason, becuase it's really hard to write about the concept.
Prose and formatting: 5 I'm not trying to be offensive or mean here, But I must say there was a lot of spelling and grammar mistakes. A LOT. You definitely need to go through and fix all of your mistakes. I'll show you the most notable: ...and place poisoned milk in her serial. in History. That is a big, big, mistake. Very big. Now he atempts to shoot her ... Incorrect spelling. There are much more than these. You can get the people of at the spelling and grammar correction group to do it for you. Also, the one section got really listy. List articles are often eye sores, so I highly suggest you should change that. Also, the Domintaing the World section was one giant paragraph. You need to break that up into smaller ones so it easeir to read and flows easier.
Images: 6 Nothing too special. Obviously not original, but they all did their job. I have no complaints or advice in this section, except for one: the Darth Stewie. It is completely unrealted, and, it doesn't look like Stewie. You should remove that image altogether, for it serves no purpose. You could put another there if you would like, But I think you have enough already.
Miscellaneous: 5.1 See below.
Final Score: 25.6 These are the things you need to do:
  1. Add Jokes - This is very important. You kept it at sort of a monotne, and it got boring to read.
  2. Fix the spelling and grammar - It was really bad.
  3. Get rid of the third image - That is all.

If you do these things, you will have a decent article to put in your article section. Good luck!

Reviewer: Staircase CUNt 02:56, 2 July 2009 (UTC)
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