Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Sterling Morton
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Striker2117 13:30, 28 September 2008 (UTC)
|Humour:||3||There are some flashes of humour, but not enough to raise a laugh. I liked the idea of Morton looking old for his age. You might want to expand on this condition and use it in the body of the article. But don't say in the caption 'He looked old for his age' as that's stating the obvious. Instead say something like 'In his early life, Morton came to terms with his degenerative ageing illness. Here he is, aged 15.' Much better and lets the reader fill in the blanks for themselves rather than signposts the gag. Also, the line "...he was forced to move to Detroit and assume his new identity (his original one was Alec Baldwin)" doesn't really make sense as you've already stated that he was born as Morton. It's too random for the style of article you've chosen.
Concentrate on involving Morton in the humour - whether you're meant to laugh with him or at him doesn't matter. Focus on him rather than include random jokes about Nebraskans. (Incidentally, the Oscar Wilde comment would work better if you didn't mention the people of this state. Make the insult more universal. I don't know what Nebraskans are like. Something like: "I always knew that Morton would acheive great things ... despite becoming a politician."
|Concept:||5||Any biography is a good concept as it gives you an entire framework in which to work. You know exactly what to do - write about the subject as a person. However, focus more on Sterling and what he did in life, rather than skew of on a tangent about corn. Expand the article to cover his life rather than start off with 'Early Life', a section about the middle and then end with 'Legacy'. We must get a sense of what the man is like, the facets of his character, etc. Set them down first, then build the gags on it.|
|Prose and formatting:||5||Again, for the humour to be most effective, and since you chose a biography, you need to parody the tone of an encyclopedic biog. There's a lot of first draft stuff here which you need to polish up. Lines like:
Morton can still be remembered today in parts of Nebraska (mainly those that worship the corn as Lord) need to be improved or eradicated. altogether. Maybe you could mention the shame and embarrassment felt by his family when he announced that he wanted to be a politician (and they had long harboured hopes that he would become a World famous ballet dancer)
|Images:||4||Image of Morton is good as it serves to set up the 'old for his age' gag. More are needed, however. I suggest finding a family type picture that you could say was the Morton family.|
|Miscellaneous:||4.3||I suggest you attribute the quote to someone other than Oscar Wilde. It's become too cliched.|
|Final Score:||21.3||Please don't be dismayed by any of this. As I said, there are flashes of humour here. You just need to build on them to increase the humour levels. Keep at it, though. I know your next draft will be much better.|
|Reviewer:||Geoffprickett 15:34, 28 September 2008 (UTC)|