Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Star Trek

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edit Star Trek

mAttlobster. (hello) 00:24, October 24, 2009 (UTC) Hello. Looking for some new ideas and general...you know...hope? mAttlobster. (hello) 00:24, October 24, 2009 (UTC)

I had decided I needed to take a break from Pee Reviews in order to work on other projects (i.e., making money). But I wanted this article to be an Imperial Colonization project and, when something else was voted in, planned to work on it in my user space, the final frontier, and...OK I'll do it. Look for it in the time it takes light in free space to travel 25,920,000,000 km (24 hours). WHY???PuppyOnTheRadio 01:43, October 24, 2009 (UTC)
Humour: 3 Your Space Cadet Red Shirt Reviewer I like to start my reviews by telling the reviewee about me as I think it gives you an idea what perspective I'm coming from. I was NotM for last month, am nommed for RotM for this month, and just had 1 1/2 articles featured (one I co-wrote), so some people here think I don't totally suck. But my opinion is nothing more than that, and you can toss this all out the air lock if you want. I've seen every episode of the original series, saw all the regular cast at the Star Trek 25th Anniversary, and know Spock's blood type. But if you find a really, really serious Trekker, they'd trivia-phaser me into non-existence.

I like writing about Prose and Formatting in the Humour section so I don't repeat myself, but do score them separately. I also get nitpicky, but have found that helps correct speeling errers and grammar that ain't no good.

First, I didn't look through the history (I usually don't, as I review the version I'm reading), but do remember reading this article before when I felt it needed a lot of work. While I can see you've made a lot of changes, I think it still needs a lot of work. I haven't mentioned many spelling or grammatical errors because I think a rewrite for a clear concept is what's needed now.

I've divided most of the rest of my comments into "paragraphs" which more-or-less correspond to the paragraphs in your article. I may skip some, but at least the order will be the same.

"~ William Shatner on Patrick Stewart Star Trek"--opening quotes are a bane of Uncyclopedia articles. Almost every editor uses them; almost every featured writer and admin hates them. I think it's better with the suggested change, but that it would fit a Star Trek universe article better.
"A long (comma) long time ago, when men were men and women were women and Klingons were – well (comma) to be perfectly honest (comma) just basically men as well wearing fake goatees - Star Trek burst onto the screens of a grateful American nation."--a Star Wars and The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy ripoff in one sentence. I don't mind, but like it better with the edits I've suggested.

Origin

"Gene Roddenbury (Star Trek’s creator) hated..."--sorry, I didn't care for this whole section. It seems random--what does Roddenbury falling off his bicycle have to do with not liking a planet? The joke about no bike accident in the future--how does he know this? Can he see the future? And who says he's a mother's boy? Roddenbury was a medal-winning Air Force pilot and a police officer, so there's lots of real facts you can work with. Humour based on reality often works much better--if you haven't read HTBFANJS you might want to read it, and if you've read it before I'd suggest re-reading it. I've read some guidelines over and over again through the years (not here; I haven't been here that long), and have found it's helpful to have a refresher.

Pitching Star Trek

'Roddenberry went to TV Executives...."--the cat joke I find mildly amusing.
"...A dispute over biscuit allocation...."--if you know some connection between bisquits and filming the original pilot, I doubt many of your readers (me) will know it. "A year later...."--don't need to be told this is an orbit. The sex jokes I don't get at all, except the old joke about ST fans all being male and not getting women. (This is my personal taste, but I've never liked that old joke. I've talked a few times with the woman Bjo Trimble who wrote The Star Trek Concordance and led the campaign with her husband John to get the series its third season, and also knew a woman who wrote an accepted script for the series' fourth season--yes, there wasn't a fourth season, but the script was sold before they knew that.)
"TV Executive Marcus...."--what does this part have to do with Star Trek?

Regular Characters

Kirk--nothing but a mild fat joke. There's so much more you could write about Kirk.

...'going where no man has gone before'...."--I would like this as a sex joke (even though it's been done), but it doesn't fit--if he's having sex with virgins, how's he getting venereal diseases?

Spock--were women in 1960s America stereotyped as logical?

McCoy--sorry, I didn't find the anatomy lesson on the human skeleton funny. I kind of liked the tremendous reliance on technology and his special hand-held device (notice the missing -)

Scotty--I would like this section if Scotty were only shown in the engine room. But some of his most famous scenes (I love him in "The Trouble with Tribbles") took place out of there and even outside the ship.

Foreigners--I found this mildly amusing, as it's true the non-white characters (except Chekov was white) weren't used as much as the others. But was Scotty less a foreigner than Chekov, not to mention Spock?

Red Jumper Row--someone who knows the out-of-series red shirts getting killed bit might get this. But I bet nobody else will.

Special Effects

"Computer Graphics Innit (CGI)...."--this may be a joke I don't get (yes, I know what CGI is).
"...all of the letter u's floated away...."--this might be funny in a different context, one that's really, really sillly. In a pseudo-encyclopedic article, I don't think it fits. Also humans didn't reach the moon until shortly after the series was cancelled. That may be a minor and even nitpicky point to some.
"William Shatner commented from his own mouth by the dexterity of his tongue..."--sorry, didn't find this funny.
"FAN FACT: The automatic doors in the Enterprise were opened and closed by invisible dogs."--Sorry, I didn't find this fun.

Language--don't find this funny.

Narrative Devices to Allow Deep Space Travel

I found the speed part amusing. Your Warp 10 isn't actually double the speed of Concorde, but it's close to double and the Concorde was first flown the year Star Trek went off the air. I think this could use some rewording, but it is humor that fits the series.

Star Trek’s Politics

"...drunk accusations...."--why drunken? Also I don't find the dog part funny. And what's "left of left helter-skelter" mean, and how do star dates relate to the Tsar calendar? Other than saying not having money is Communist (that I can see being used here), this seems random.

On Set Relationships

"...Efficient Baking."--what does this have to do with Star Trek?

"...you guys ever heard of time-travel?’"--I'm assuming there's a joke here I'm missing.

Concept: 3 I really didn't know what to rate your concept because I can't tell what it is. That may be a major part of the problem, and also a key to improving this. I'd recommend looking through this and getting a clear concept of where you want to go with this article. Look at some featured articles (make sure you read the featured version) and you can see how most of them have a clear concept throughout. For example, the Imperial Colonization article God (on this one I refer to the current version) is all about God the gambler, and 2001: A Space Odyssey is all about the movie as a visual mystery. A good concept can help make an article.
Prose and formatting: 4 Comments in Humour section.
Images: 6 In general I think the images were fine, although I think the smaller ones could be larger. The curry one I found amusing, but would recommned putting the curry reference at the end of the sentence and also starting with a more general Star Trek image--I think this one would work better toward the middle or end. In the one captioned "He's just like you - and he's the captain!"--I don't get the caption, and really I don't think the pizza, etc. add to it. Uhura could use a caption. I do like the part about Vulcans having six fingers which explains the salute--this is what I'd liek to see more of, jokes that really relate to what Star Trek is.
Miscellaneous: 4 Average of above.
Final Score: 20 I'm sorry I'm scoring this so low, but at least you know you're getting an honest opinion. If you want to continue editing this, I'd really think about your concept--exactly what kind of humorous article do I want to make? This feels more like just saying things about Star Trek and throwing in random jokes. With a good, strong theme/concept, I think you could have a much funnier article.
Reviewer: WHY???PuppyOnTheRadio 04:11, October 24, 2009 (UTC)
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