Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Stan (country)

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edit Stan (country)

I wrote this one a while ago, but it hasn't really changed much. Just looking for some input. Obviously, I guess...

SmallbeerSpillin DylanSmallbeerTALKSmallbeerEDITSSmallbeer200:02, April 28 2008

Sorry you may have to bear with me, cause it's possible I won't finish this today. Sorry, 'bout that! - 12:54 3 May Sir FSt. (QotF BFF NotM) YTTETalk!Read!Sign!Whore!CMC!Pee!
Woah, back off there, 'cause it's YesTimeToPee...for YTTE, not you. Sorry, you'll just have to go find somewhere else to empty your bladder, or you can choose to wet yourself. I got this spot, biatch.
Humour: 4 I'm sorry to give such a low score but the humour in this article is really lacking, as it seems to be just a complete mash of randomness. Also most of the article is not about the country, but about this war that they fought. Surely if you wanted to write about this war you should have called it "The Great Pie War", not "Stan (country)"? Anyway, here's my section by section break down of everything you've written. I've tried to give a few pointers, but it's hard to know which direction you want to take this in, that is, if you want to write about this war or about the country. Anyway, here we go:

Opening Para: The first sentence seemed to tell us where the country was, but while this was a slightly random location it didn't actually illicit a smile or a laugh. "It has been crudely translated into "Satan's Land", although this is very inaccurate, because Satan defaulted on his mortgage well before Stan was inhabited, so it is widely assumed to be "The Bank's Land" " - This illicited a very small smile, but I reckon a re-wording of that sentence could make this a bit more funny. As soon as you hear "Great Pie War" in the next sentence you get slightly worried. I dunno "Great Pie War" sounds slightly immature and makes you jump to the conclusion that the rest of the article is going to be immature. It doesn't necessarily mean that the rest of the article actually is immature, it just makes you think that... This is just my opinion, other peoples' opinions on this probably vary quite a bit. The opening paragraph has only three setences in it. I think you should really expand on this. Again have a look at a real Wikipedia article on a country and see what is says in its opening paragraph, then you could think of ways to add jokes to the different topics mentioned.

The Great Pie War: Factions: You list your five factions hear, but surely you should give more details on each one. Wikipedia articles on wars often have numbers of troops on either side, commanding generals, strongholds etc. You could write a couple (or more!) sentences about each one, just to get us into this war you've created.

The Great Pie War: The Beginnings of War: Well this section, like a lot of the rest of the article, is all random and not much humour. It's like you've created your own little war here and a country to go with it, but you've not actually put that much humour in. I can see that "The Blanketists, sensing the impending danger, hid under their blankets until their mom got home. " is a stab at humour, but for me it doesn't really work. There are jokes, however, to be got from these wimpy, whiney "blanketists" you've created. You could liken them to a country, maybe France, and see if you could make them whine and stuff and replicate some of the chosen country's actual real-life actions. Do you see what I'm getting at? A bit of political satire... Overall this paragraph didn't really work, I'm afraid, and needs a lot of work and a lot more jokes. Just because your whole "pie war" idea is slightly odd and different doesn't automatically make what you write funny.

The Great Pie War: A Dramatic Conclusion: Again, there's no laugh-out-loud stuff here. There's a few bits and bobs which are getting close, but never quite hitting the mark. "Unfortunately, they didn't research the Iron Curtain on Uncyclopedia, and thought that they could bring it down with their arsenal of apple and wildberry pies. " - This sentence just confuddled me and needs to be corrected so people can understand it and follow what you mean. Like the rest of the article it seems to be more a narrative of a random country and war you've invented it, rather than a truly funny Uncyclopedia article.

The Great Pie War: The Results Are In: I guess again there are a few jokes in here, but again, they just don't score. Some of this was very close to illiciting a O_O! Pie Packers formed "Pakistan"? I think I raised my eyebrows a bit when I read this. Be careful. And again, try and add some more funny to this section. Just sling a few one-liners in there, I'm pretty sure you could.

Languages: Still the jokes seem to misfire and not really pack a punch. It seems a bit weak and lacklustre. Sorry to be so negative throughout...

Overall: As I've said this seems to me that you've come up with the idea for this war and the country it happens in. Now you seem to have assumed that the concept is extremely funny, and all the randomness adds to that. You've just written it like a narrative. You've told it straight-faced, which is good, but what you're telling isn't particularly funny. I know I'm being quite harsh here but I hope that maybe you'll be driven to improve the article. It does need a lot of work and I think you need to read through this a couple of times. There's quite a bit of room for some political satire in here, you can keep some of the random if you add more jokes in-between. You may decide that you don't actually want to continue this article, but if you do I would sling a {{construction}} tag on it, somewhere. Good luck.

Concept: 5 Well the concept is that of a country called "Stan" and a pie war that goes on within it. That's not the best of concepts, however, it could be quite a decent article if you gave it re-working, adding jokes, polishing it up etc. As for concept expansion: there's not much to say, except that I thinl you should focus more on the country and less on that war. Even if the war is a big part of the country's history it shouldn't take up bout 90% of the article. You could add sections about currency, politics, economics, geography, history etc. So I've given you a 6 for concept. It's just below average. If you improved this article, and made it more about the country and less about the war I thing this could edge it's way up to 7.
Prose and formatting: 5.5 It's OK - I mean, it's not great nor is it appalling. It's a bit boring, and there's an ugly red link in the opening paragraph. Also, why don't you make this page look like a proper, fully fledged country article? That is, by adding the a country info box down the right hand side ({{Infobox Country}})? This sort of box would contain a flag, a national anthem, capital city, currency etc. and would make your article look 10 times more professional and wiki-like. Also your article is about this country of Stan but the opening section (which makes up most of this article) is about a war. Surely the opening section to this article should be "History" or something like that, shortly followed by various other country-related sections. In fact how about looking at a Wikipedia country article and seeing what sections they've got and how it's layed out. What about paragraphs about the geography and the government? This really does need a lot of work to make it look right, but if you ever want to ask another question about it or want to seek help just ask me at my talkpage.
Images: 5 Ok, so 5 is quite a harsh score, but you've only got one picture. What about a map of this country? Pictures of the population? Of the capital city? For the length of the article at the moment you should be aiming for 3 or 4, or even 5 pictures. One or two of these should probably be photoshopped specially for this article. What about a flag? Has this country ever produced any famous people? If so why not have a picture of them? Have a look at Uncyclopedia articles for other countries, such as this one or even this one. What sort of pictures do they have which you could add to your article?
Miscellaneous: 4.9 You Got AVERAGED! Averaged
Final Score: 24.4 To be honest: This needs a lot of work to make it good. You need to read UN:HTBFANJS and work out how you're going to add more humour to this and steer it away from the simple "narrative" style you have at the moment. On the image front: you need 2 or 3 more and they need to be very good pictures. As I've said, what about maps, pictures of the capital, pictures of the various factions from the war? The formatting is pretty standard, if a little boring. You could jazz this up a little bit by adding the country information bar down the right hand side and adding those pictures. A bit of varied formatting is also required to make this easier on the eye. As it is you've managed to steer away from blocks of text, so the reader doesn't immediately look at it and go "I don't have time to read this!" - which is very good. You've now got a choice to salvage this and make it a good article, or put your effort into other articles. If you do chose to continue with this article I wish you the very best of luck, if you don't I hope you do well with your other articles!
Reviewer: - 12:29 4 May Sir FSt. (QotF BFF NotM) YTTETalk!Read!Sign!Whore!CMC!Pee!
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