Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Spore (Rewrite)
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I rewrote this article for Conservation Week! Woo-hoo! how did I do?21:38, 17 September 2008 (UTC)
|This article is under review by|
Sayeth Gerry: shotgun!!
|Humour:||7.2||average of sections
hmm you seem to have this set up as the owner's manual. as such, before reading any of the article, i'm going to tentatively suggest you move this to UnBooks:Spore Instruction Booklet or somesuch, and leave Spore as a redirect. anyway, that might change. as for the section...well, it's a 'this (article subject) is awesome! it's so cool! yea!' intro, which is kind of over-the-top and played out. plus, if this is an instruction manual, it would be a little more serious, no? maybe make the praise quotes from gaming magazines, and have the manual toot its own horn while failing to try and appear modest.
i like a lot of the underlying ideas and approaches here, but the execution is a little lacking. lines like 'Doesn't that sound like even more fun than the first two times it occurred? Well, it does!' seem out fo place for an instruction manual, and interrupt the informational tone. not having played the game, i'm not sure if any of this stuff is parody or actually what occurs in the game, but thats not a bad thing; on the contrary, sticking closer to reality is always better than random nonsense. it seems the game has the possibility to be very boring as you describe it, with endless walking around etc., so myabe you could take the World of Warcraft route. that article, while overall really terrible, contains one of my favorite lines on the site: 'the game consists of clicking on animals. the challenge of the game lies in the vast number of animals the player must click on. it is estimated that to complete the game the player must click on over one cubic mile of animals.' maybe you could do something similar here, and suggest that the stages are extremely repetitive/boring.
you take a turn here, and start the 'buy more add-ons' angle, which can be funny. however, it would work better if you were doing it throughout the whole article rather than starting in this section. the repitition of the chocolate truffle was really good. this section also feels exactly like an instruction manual, tone-wise.
excellent ending, good twist. stuff like '(yea, all 7 of you)' seems a bit unnecessary and , again, breaks the flow a bit.
|Concept:||7.5||5/5 points for a decently well-known subject, certainly worthy of parody. i don't even want to know how many terrible video game articles we have, and this was certainly one of them before your rewrite.
2.5/5 points for execution. i like the idea of the instruction manual, the add-ons, and the boringness/repetiveness of the gameplay, but you should integrate these ideas throughout the whole article. for example, maybe the final stage requires purchasing, or the end of the manual counts how many hours the game takes to finish, and how many hours are the same two or three tasks. also, the tone could be better, with less conversationy stuff; try to make it sound pretty official, and dispense with the 'best game in the history of the universe' stuff, or make those quotes from mags/gamers. also, i'm surprised you didn't mention the religion angle, with creationists/evolutionists battling it out. maybe that's a good thing.
|Prose and formatting:||8||prose, grammar, spelling was rather good, but you still get a proofread. formatting was a bit off, nothing major, but you lack an intro, and the headers are the wrong level. i strongly recommend moving this to unbooks, removing the first header and making that an intro, and making the other headers level 2.|
|Images:||7||a good amount of images, relevant to the topic, with appropriate captions. nothing hilarious or terrible, but they contribute to the article well. thought: maybe an image of the cover?|
|Final Score:||37.2||my preview button tells me that your score is 37.2. this means that you have produced a solid article from the remains of the horrid one you destroyed. great job! for improvement, i again recommend the move to unbooks, the professional tone, changing the praise, and working the add-ons/repetitive gameplay throughout the article. this might be VFHable with a decent amount of improvement, and maybe a little length; i'm stuck on ideas for making it longer, but i feel like it might be a little short for a feature. i think one more page would do it though. well, great job on the rewrite, and good luck!|
|Reviewer:||15:45, 10 October 2008 (UTC)|