Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Spontaneous Combustion (take 2)
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|Humour:||8||I liked this a lot actually! This was consistently funny and interesting. Nicely narrated and the good use of language really helped (see prose and formatting for a list of requested tweaks to improve this further).
One thing I’d like to bring up is at the end when your talking about the guy and wondering what he’s getting up to in his curtain clad room, you build it up quite a bit and there’s no real punch-line. Try linking “something bad” to something innocent or a bit of a non-sequiter such as “painting” or “Yoga”, just to slot in another giggle.
One joke I missed out on solely because of my own ignorance, what is jaywalking?
Other than that it was very good.
|Concept:||8||Kinda predictable that spontaneous combustion would be down to god but you pulled it off very well! You introduced some original ideas like the scientific experiment section and I especially liked the, slightly random, idea of the persons hearing ability increasing during the fiery punishment. Basically you made the best of the situation; it would be extremely hard to think up something other than god’s will for this type of article.|
|Prose and formatting:||8.5||As you have probably noticed I’m bog on quoticide. Your one however, simply needs some surgery. I’d have it read as “Build a man a fire and he will be warm for one night. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for eternity.” As that sounds more biblical and profound but it’s up to you.
Noticed a few other things too which I was slightly surprised at, though most of them aren’t strictly errors they just sounded a bit awkward.
Yeah a few lines in you had " reserved for the more extreme sins " while it is ok I’d tweak it slightly so it’s “Most extreme”, as I read it out loud a few times and it just didn’t sound right with the more and then a stressed word.
Then "A flood, locusts, and disease, " I’d tweak for similar euphonious reasons to read “Floods, locusts and disease” Also you had a comma out of place. Tsk, Tsk.
"attention getter " I’d change to “Grabber”
Your repetition of “Awful” first line of the second paragraph of the second bit was a little irksome too. It just doesn’t feel right if you use a word too often too close together and should be avoided if possible. Try changing the first Awful to “A terrible”.
"and repent of your sins " I think this is actually wrong, shouldn’t it be: “and repent your sins”? if not again just for the sake of nice-sounding-ness.
"the resultant output was " Possible tweak here to “resulting”.
"far more cases " possibly italicise “more”.
"clearly God again, this time trying again to warn humans " I’d get rid of the second again. Again it’s like “Awful”, again.
"God sorted his ass out but good! " I’d change to “God sorted his ass out good” or “God sorted him out but good!”
I know all of this sounds extraordinarily picky coming from someone that spells his name with a 6 but it’s always easier to find someone else’s mistakes. Tweaking these things will make it flow nicer and improve it to perfection.
|Images:||8||The first one: I’m guessing it was good, I mean the pic itself was nicely expanding one of your jokes, but I know nothing about cars and so I’m only presuming that 0 to 60 in 13 seconds is bad, or good and your being ironic. Either way ‘tis good.
The second one was very nicely done again, this was ironic and I loved the caption!
The third one I thought was possibly slightly tasteless but I’ll let it go because the caption saved it.
|Miscellaneous:||8.13||Averaged and rounded to 2dp.|
|Final Score:||40.63||A lovely read I should say. Like Cajek I’d say it was pretty much ready for VFH, this is my second highest score, so it must be good. If you’d like to thank/ask/insult me about anything I shall be clawing at Yettie’s talk page door, starving and alone, as he forgot to find a dogsitter.
|Reviewer:||SK Sir RotM 02:48 12 July 2008|