Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Snow White (3rd revoo)
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Mmm OK, so I've had this looked at twice now and think its improved. But I know this isn't great (really hoping to eventually get a feature out of this eventually), I'm gonna have to ignore Saberwolf on one part of his advice though because I like the repetion of things -- esspecially as this a fairy tale and they are by nature repetitive. In fact I was hoping to encourage this aspect and was hoping for specific suggestions of things to weave through it (like what I did in Sandcastle with the sticky water). Although if whoever reviews this agrees with saber on this aspect I may have to rethink. Comments on anything else welcome too, obviously. In depth please, thanks in advance. :) ~Orian57~ ~Talk~ 06:05 11 June 2009
| Snow White|
is being reviewed by
Your Source for Fine Scented Pee
And Whatever Else Comes Out Of Him
Mine! I never get to review articles that just got put in the cue! I always get stuck reviewing the ones that everyone else is afraid to review! /pout • <19:21 Jun 11, 2009>
|Humour:||8.2||Fagarella! How are you? Avg of each section, 7 is an average score:
I'm going to bother to explain why: First of all, you get an 8 automatically for writing an article on freaking "snow white," which every wiki needs an article of. You get a 10 because it's over the average in cleverness. Not much more than that.
|Prose and formatting:||6||Here's what I think: “We need to give her a proper burial.” So over the next few days... I think anytime you use "so" there should be a break if there's no way to make the two phrases into one sentence. "We need to give her a proper burial!" So, over the next few days,...
As time passed, the dwarfs began to suffer the wrath of the economic downturn, and so they turned Snow White into a piece of art. And they charged ten shillings per viewing. you need commas in there, to give the reader a break. And you used "so" twice, just like that window sill thing. We can't tell if you're being jokingly repetetive or not. The phrase "And they charged ten shillings per viewing" isn't a sentence, it's a dependent clause. You need to merge it with the sentence before. You don't even need the "they" in there, because we know the object of the sentence. I, uh, have a job as a proofreader at my community college.
As the soon to be king of a land further away than this one should be completely hyphened. As the soon-to-be-king-of-a-land-further-away-than-this-one
There were a lot of other quirky parts in there, too. Clean that up and you'd get a 9 or so.
|Images:||8||I liked the repetition of the images at first, but then you lost your guts. It might be funnier to do ALL the images in the style of the first one, or it might lose its funny after a few of them. It's your call, but I say go for it.
Other than that, the images are actually okay as is.
|Final Score:||40.3||One more revision and this could be VFH'd. Actually, technically, it could probably go to VFH right now, but you wouldn't do that, would you? That would make my prose and formatting section sad! And probably some of the more touchy voters, as well!|
|Reviewer:||• <19:56 Jun 11, 2009>|