Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Snow White (3rd revoo)

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edit Snow White

Mmm OK, so I've had this looked at twice now and think its improved. But I know this isn't great (really hoping to eventually get a feature out of this eventually), I'm gonna have to ignore Saberwolf on one part of his advice though because I like the repetion of things -- esspecially as this a fairy tale and they are by nature repetitive. In fact I was hoping to encourage this aspect and was hoping for specific suggestions of things to weave through it (like what I did in Sandcastle with the sticky water). Although if whoever reviews this agrees with saber on this aspect I may have to rethink. Comments on anything else welcome too, obviously. In depth please, thanks in advance. :) ~Orian57~ Icons-flag-gb ~Talk~ Gay sign 06:05 11 June 2009

Snow White
is being reviewed by
CajekHi!
Your Source for Fine Scented Pee
And Whatever Else Comes Out Of Him

Mine! I never get to review articles that just got put in the cue! I always get stuck reviewing the ones that everyone else is afraid to review! /pout   Le Cejak <19:21 Jun 11, 2009>

Humour: 8.2 Fagarella! How are you? Avg of each section, 7 is an average score:
  • introduction (8/10): Well, you said "window sill" twice, which counts as repetition of the "whoops" kind. Maybe if you said it 17 times, we would get it: "She laid her head on the window sill in frustration. 'Damn!' she said, as she slammed her hand on the window sill, 'If only I hadn't cut myself on that window sill needle!'" Other than that, good. I was also a little confused at first: I thought, is that Snow White or someone else? Oh, it's her mom. Not amazing, but above average work on the introduction. I've never given someone a 10 on an introduction... I don't know why.
  • Seventeen years later (9/10): One joke per paragraph, and this section is sewn up, get it? Like how you confused Sleeping Beauty with Snow White in the introduction? :) Plus the picture was pretty damn funny, that helped.
  • Quite Deep in the Deep Dark Woods (9.5/10): Typo: She was beginning to suspect... Yes! The reason it's not a 10 is the last sentence, which was a little too abrupt.
  • Seven Little People (8/10): The reason it's not a 10 is because, well, it's not shakespeare. The reason it's not a 9 is because of the rape jokes -- gimme a break -- and because the picture: it's pretty shitty and you should keep going with the "they were going to be called..." theme. The rest was hilarious.
  • Meanwhile… (7/10): A little weak, here. It's still pretty good, with the facebook checking, and I like that the theme you have going for the pictures is continuing, but it's hard when it's only dialogue. It was the same problem with "Seventeen years later": the ending was abrupt. What the... why is it talking like that? Magic low? Oh, lame. Facebook? Ha! I'm gonna write that down.
  • Healthy Eating (8/10): Good, good. It's not Quite Deep, but it has charm. Charisma if you will.
  • Probably Dead (8/10): You linked to Traditional Values! That ALONE should net you a 10! But, there are some grammatical problems that make it seem not as good as it should be. Look at prose & formatting. It's better than average, but having a bad ending to a fairy tale isn't all that original. Pretty good, though.
Concept: 10 ah HA! SEE?! It's third person voice, not first person! Anyway, this is a ten on concept, all the way. I'm not even going to bother to explain why.

I'm going to bother to explain why: First of all, you get an 8 automatically for writing an article on freaking "snow white," which every wiki needs an article of. You get a 10 because it's over the average in cleverness. Not much more than that.

Prose and formatting: 6 Here's what I think: “We need to give her a proper burial.” So over the next few days... I think anytime you use "so" there should be a break if there's no way to make the two phrases into one sentence. "We need to give her a proper burial!" So, over the next few days,...

As time passed, the dwarfs began to suffer the wrath of the economic downturn, and so they turned Snow White into a piece of art. And they charged ten shillings per viewing. you need commas in there, to give the reader a break. And you used "so" twice, just like that window sill thing. We can't tell if you're being jokingly repetetive or not. The phrase "And they charged ten shillings per viewing" isn't a sentence, it's a dependent clause. You need to merge it with the sentence before. You don't even need the "they" in there, because we know the object of the sentence. I, uh, have a job as a proofreader at my community college.

As the soon to be king of a land further away than this one should be completely hyphened. As the soon-to-be-king-of-a-land-further-away-than-this-one

There were a lot of other quirky parts in there, too. Clean that up and you'd get a 9 or so.

Images: 8 I liked the repetition of the images at first, but then you lost your guts. It might be funnier to do ALL the images in the style of the first one, or it might lose its funny after a few of them. It's your call, but I say go for it.

Other than that, the images are actually okay as is.

Miscellaneous: 8.1 {{Pee}}, duh
Final Score: 40.3 One more revision and this could be VFH'd. Actually, technically, it could probably go to VFH right now, but you wouldn't do that, would you? That would make my prose and formatting section sad! And probably some of the more touchy voters, as well!
Reviewer:   Le Cejak <19:56 Jun 11, 2009>
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