Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Snow White (2nd revoo)

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edit Snow White

Yeah, I got quite a good review from Nameable, and I've recently looked over it again but I still think this is a bit rubbish. I was sort of hoping to turn this into a feature, so I'd like specific suggestions and such, please. ~Orian57~ Icons-flag-gb ~Talk~ Gay sign 10:37 9 June 2009

I'll get onto this later today. It's Me Bitches! Don't worry, I won't kill you.
Uhh, i'm already reviewing it, lol. Saberwolf116 19:37, 9 June 2009 (UTC)
Humour: 7.5 I like the direction you're trying to take it in, and I laughed a few times, but right now it still needs work. I think you blend your storytelling too much between the actual fairy tale and stuff you make up as you go. I'd recommend either making a completely made up verison of Snow White, or following a line-by-line parody, making jokes as you go. Should you choose the latter, the article might be better off as an UnBook or even an UnScript, because that might give you more to work with (i'll get into this more in other sections).
Concept: 7 I'm all for making fun of old fairy tales and such, but I was confused as to what your writing style was and how it relates to the fairy tale. For example, Snow White is set in a fictional fantasy land, yet facebook and cars are modern day things. In my opinion, you blur the line between a fantasy and fictional too much, so I think, because you're making a parody, you should make sure to avoid references to more 21st century things (with the possible exception of a link or two, such as your link to Democrat). Another thing you might want to avoid is the repeating of several phrases, such as when you said "but that was stupid" in both of the first two images.
Prose and formatting: 7 Overall, I thought that your Prose and Formatting were good. You've got your images in the right places, and your sections are spaced out nicely. There, are, however, a few problems: first, I think you should spellcheck this; there are a couple of minor spelling errors here and there. Second, you miss the quoations when someone is speaking a few times, so make sure you take care of that. Finally, I think that, as stated in the humor section, some of your text repeats itself. You should probably take out that line "Can we rape her?" - that wasn't really funny, and felt kind of out of place.
Images: 8 Decent. They don't have any laugh-out-loud moments to the article, but I think they go with the text well. Really, the images are fine; I wouldn't worry about them.
Miscellaneous: 7.5 My overall grade of the article.
Final Score: 37 Basically, you've got a decent article with a lot of potential. To recap, the best the things you can do for your article right now are to make sure you've got it in the right namespace, check over it for spelling errors, and fix any plot holes you might have in your writing. I think could potentially be VFH, so i'm curious as to what you plan to do with it.

Bottom Line: Fix any plotholes, spell check, and watch the kind of language you use in writing it. Good luck! =)

Reviewer: Saberwolf116 20:57, 9 June 2009 (UTC)
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