Yeah, I'm not certain about this at all. I think I have some good ideas there, but I think they may not have worked so good. Really need an in-depth pee here, please. What ideas did you like what was shit where do I need to up the humour (and how). Thnaks in advance! ~Orian57~~Talk~11:15 28 May 2009
OK, this is my first ever Pee Review, so I'll try to be good, but you might want somebody else to do it properly for you afterwards. I thought this article was generally pretty funny. It isn't hilarious quality yet, however. Most of the jokes are based on things going off in a different direction to where you think it will go, which works here - I like the Designer Baby Depot joke and the beautician suggesting botox. I also think the Bashful rape joke, especially when you repeat it, is funny. Perhaps more jokes about the dwarfs would be good. Some sections are a bit dry, though. I didn't really laugh at the whole Huntsman scene, until the whole "killing him instantly", which was so abrupt I actually found it quite funny - just like the best bits of Uncyclopedia. I also didn't laugh at the "Smack" dwarf joke. That may just be personal preference, but maybe he could have been called something else, like Womaniser? Or Serial Rapist?
So, in general, fairly funny, but there is room for more jokes, especially at the very end, where it feels a little rushed, and the Handsome Prince idea, though it is funny, could be funnier. Perhaps he buys her and mounts her on his wall? Or instead he kisses her, she wakes up, and then he is arrested for sexual harassment and necrophilia? I don't really know.
I'm guessing the idea here was simply to write Snow White in an old-fashioned style, but then add modern quirks and an alternate ending. I think thats a pretty decent concept, but if there had been one stronger theme running throughout it might be funnier. Such as, slightly more emphasis on the pale skin thing, because that was left out toward the end. Maybe incorporating that into her ending up very tanned after death because of her stupid glass coffin left out in the sun. Just an idea to make the article seem more connected. Then again, it might be boring.
Prose and formatting:
The prose and formatting is generally absolutely fine, I went through just before changing a few capital letters, just typos basically, another proof read and they'll be perfect. I think that the big first letters at the start of each section is a really good idea, to add to the storybook feel. The only thing really wrong is the grey is a bit pale in my opinion (I'm trying to be in depth here! :P)
You have six or so images here, and they are all decent ones, so that's fine. I especially like the Facebook status caption that goes with the second to last picture. The first image could do with a caption (perhaps something like Her original name, Snow White Blood Red Night Black, was too long to fit on the Depot receipt, so they had to cut some bits out. Luckily, they decided calling a child "Blood Black" was just a bit cruel.) I don't know who the beautician picture is I'm afraid, so either I'm stupid and keep it, or you could change it, but the caption wasn't particularly humourous anyway. Neither was the one that went with the huntsman, unfortunately.
I just averaged everything else out. Is that right?
I think this article could be really funny, and I hope it gets to that stage. I'm not an experienced person here, so you may want someone else's opinion before you go on and make any changes. Good luck, I can see it being nominated at some point in the future!