Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Sir Francis Drake

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edit Sir Francis Drake

There's already an article Francis Drake but it's a stub and I couldn't see how to finish it. This may be rather British. But then so was Drake Sog1970 11:33, April 10, 2010 (UTC)

In spite of any conflicts I may have had with Sir Frances in a bygone day, I shall review this article within a day's travel. WHY???PuppyOnTheRadio 05:58, April 23, 2010 (UTC)
I'm sorry. Unexpected events came up, and I haven't done this. It's open to whoever wants to do it. If someone doesn't review it by Monday, I should be able to do it. Again, I'm sorry about that. WHY???PuppyOnTheRadio 06:13, April 24, 2010 (UTC)
No problem. I was thinking of withdrawing it anyway, as no one seemed interested. so it can wait as long as it takes. Yours are worth waiting for--Sog1970 17:13, April 24, 2010 (UTC)
I'm supposedly on vacation right now, but I'll have this done in the amount of time it takes a duck to walk from one end to the other of Buckingham Palace. WHY???PuppyOnTheRadio 00:56, April 27, 2010 (UTC)
Introduction to your reviewer

Well, I think you know something about me, so won't get into that. As for Sir Frances Drake, I fled England because of him. That's actually true in a sense; at least it's a part of my history, in a sense.

Concept: 8 Drake is a great hero who, coincidentally, loses his crewmen over and over again and, coincidentally, gets a bigger and bigger share of the treasure, ARRRRR!
Prose and Formatting: 8 I add Humour in with P & F to avoid unnecessarily repeating myself, but do score them separately.

All in all, I like the article. I'm going to focus primarily on what can be approved simply because my telling you "Gosh, this is perfect!" might feel nice but won't help much.

Your intro

As hard as it may be to believe, most Americans will have no idea who Charlie Drake was--I'd provide a link to the Wikipedia article. Some of the references to comedian will otherwise seem random.
I didn't get the “Kill all Humans” reference or pasty-grazing; does pasty refer to the meat-pie like edible, or to those little things erotic dancers use to cover their nipples?

Francis the Seafarer

I like "...previous owner died unexpectedly from blood-poisoning brought on by the dagger he had inexplicably thrust between his own shoulder blades." But as there are essentially two jokes here--blood poisoning by dagger, and a dagger he thrust between his own shoulder blades, I think it would be funnier if you split these up, maybe the first as "...iron poisoning from a dagger (end of sentence)" or some such, and then go to describing the thrust.
"For the rest of his life Sir Francis kept the dagger (fortuitously already inscribed with his own name) as a remembrance of his generous benefactor."--yes; like it.
This isn't a problem it's just me showing off. "Ye pursuit of greater fortune yet and ridding [ye] worlde of Dagoes”. The word "ye" wasn't used this way; the letter that we see written as "y" was actually a now obsolete letter called thorn that was later replaced by "th." In any case, I like the period-feel of this sentence mixed with modern slang.
"In 1568, he sailed to the West Indies...."--I don't have an idea for a joke, but this paragraph could use one. In general, this section could use more humour.

The Birth of a Legend

"In 1572 Drake captured...."--like this paragraph, and the "killing and raping" in that order, and in general the subtle tongue-in-cheek humour. You might want to split some of the sentences in several sections into two; some long sentences I think is good to keep the feel of the article, but I think fewer would be better.
"...Guillaume Le Testu ("William the Bollock" to Drake’s crew)"--it's a truism of comedy to end with the punchline; maybe "Guillaume Le Testu (called by Drake's crew "William the Bollock)" or what I like even better, Guillaume Le Testu ("William the Bollock").
"...causing the death of many of his French allies."--maybe the same beginning, but something to emphasize the joke of dead French being good; "...with not only few English casualties, but also the deaths of many of his French allies."
"The remaining men hauled...."--could use some humour.
"...lifting the ban on sodomy"--I didn't find this funny, but didn't realize why until I read the whole sentence--I would find it funnier if it were at the end of the sentence (again, save the punchline for the end). Also there's mixed tense here: "lifting the ban" but "buried the treasure" and "built a raft."
"The raft was continually awash up to their chests...."--this phrase stood out as being awkward when I read it in the Wikipedia article, and it also sounds awkward to me here. But I like Drake standing on them. To emphasize the joke of him standing on two men, I'd specify that early; something like "to sail himself and two crew members". Are the two crew members French? Might help your coming joke if it said they were. Also maybe more subtlety on "happily tipped into the ocean," like "respectfully tipped into the ocean" or even "ceremoniously dumped into the ocean."
"And scarcely a Frog survives."--bringing back the French joke; good. But "H he laughed (period) "And scarcely a Frog survives." Also some readers might now know "frog" is an insulting term for the "French"--personally, I don't recall hearing it used outside of TV, movies and books, but that might not be a significant problem.
"...Le Testu and his remaining crew had been tortured and executed, a (and) several chests of gold had not been discovered"--again, I'd put the punchline at the end; the chests of gold part followed by dead Frenchmen.

The Violent Pacific

"(But) as he approached Cape Horn...."--I'd add "but" not because it refers back to your taking it from the rear (although that works too), but because I think it sounds better.
"Undeterred by the uncharted reefs...."--yes.
"...undiscovered route (period) Drake's small...."
"Triumphant following...."--the eating part in this paragraph and the quote following works, but think it would work better if you mention how hungry the men were in the beginning of the paragraph--set up the joke.
"As a captain, Doughty had...."--no specific suggestions, but the wording of this sentence seems awkward.
"When I saw the name Golden Hind in the Wikipedia article, I though instantly that could be used for a joke--and you made it his favorite Plymouth pub.
"...in search of gold (not capitalised)...." Or capitalise Gold throughout.
"...adding to his plunder and losing ship-mates owed a share of the haul with each successive assault."--I like the continued increasing theme of increasing Drake's share, but thought this could be more subtle, as if he really cared. I'd suggest a more subtle word than plunder, and maybe just the addition of the word "tragically"--"...tragically losing ship-mates owed...."
"Near Lima, the plucky adventurers...."--to me, "plucky" doesn't fit the pseudo-encyclopedic tone of the article.
"Following the Spanish prisoners' unexplained mass-suicide...."--like the subtlety.

Nova Albion

"On June 17, 1579 (comma) Drake landed...."
"...Drake communicated his discovery to the same indigenous tribes...."--to make the joke work for reader's who've already forgotten what they read two sentences ago (people like me), I'd suggest "communicated his discovery of the new land to the same indigenous tribes...."
"Sadly (comma) none of these men...."
"...Europeans to shiver, turn around and head back south."--to me this doesn't quite work; but sorry, I don't have a suggested alternative.
...Eskimos and walrus(es) were prepared to eat British sailors who demanded an advance on their wages."--nice joke, but I had to read it twice to get it because at first reading I thought the sailors were asking the Eskimos for their wages. Maybe something like "...sailors who demanded Drake give them an advance...."
"Here, the Golden Hind became stuck on a reef and was almost lost."--I bet you could get a subtle anal sex joke out of this.
"After dumping most of the crew, the supplies of food and water, and finally the least valuable cargo, they eventually floated free."--I think this would work better if it was more subtle--dumping the crew and food and water just seems a bit obvious.
...hang more "mutineers" - the number of whom multiplied as they approached England...."--yes.
"On September 26th, 1580 the Golden Hind (ship should be in italics)...."
"I hadst been at sea many months."--I don't get what this sentence is referring to.

The Invincible Armada

"...unreasonable, bullying demands of King Phillip II...."--maybe a word that's more subtle than bullying--I know you're setting up a joke, but think subtlety would work better.
"He began to assemble...."--is "he" King Phillip or Queen Elizabeth? (Yes, I'm being tongue-in-cheek, but the "he" is unclear as written). Also this paragraph doesn't seem to lead the reader anywhere--maybe do something to tie it in with what follows.
There's a lot of buildup just to get to "Sir Francis Bacon," but that's OK.
I was wondering where Coleman Atkins was going, but it not only goes to bacon it goes to the ruff--nice. So maybe the big buildup was worth it after all.
"Singe ye beard of ye Kinge of Spain."--I found the lead-in to the literal beard burning amusing, but that may only have been because I just read the Wikipedia article. I don't know if this joke will work for anyone else. For one thing, it seems rather odd that he's fighting and killing the Spanish, and then when he has their king in his hands does nothing more than give him some burns.
"I could not do otherwise," Drake argued..."--more deaths; nice, especially "four days after the attack."
"...jewellery and credit cards...."--"credit cards" to me is way out of context. If you could think of a word that could mean something that existed then and fit credit cards today, it might work.
"Drake had hired a Plymouth Ho to play with his balls"--again, I got the balls as bowls reference because I just read the Wikipedia article. But "Plymouth Ho" and "play with his balls" seem out of place in this otherwise subtle, encyclopedic article. Maybe something like "had hired a Plymouth courtesan (or escort) to relieve him of testicular tension" or some such. And while I realize you're tying in "beat-off an English hero" to "beat off the Spanish," the quote seems out of place with the article's otherwise very nice pseudo-Elizabethan period quotes. Maybe make her "beat off" a double-entendre, where it could mean either beating him off--getting rid of him--and masturbating him.

Death of Drake

"against the mainland(s) of Spain and South America...."
"In both of these campaigns (comma) Drake skilfully gave the impression of failure..."--nice.
"...another anti-Spanish campaign (comma) he discovered El Dorado...."
"...bravely sailed single-handedly back to the coast along the Orinoco river in a boat horribly overloaded with gold."--yes, with the build up made throughout the article, he really needed to end up the lone survivor.
"At Caracas he assumed the name to Sir Walter Raleigh, put out the story that Drake had died of dysentery and set up a bicycle manufacturing factory. To this day it is said that, when England is most in peril, Drake's drum will sound again, beaten by King Arthur dressed as Winston Churchill."--sorry, this ending didn't work for me.
Humo(u)r: 7.5 I mostly describe Humour above, but will add that I'd suggest making each paragraph have something that's amusing. I really like some of the humour that's in the article, and with a little more would raise this score.
Images: 8.5 First image (Drake)--caption implies the article will hint that he's gay, but several places (blood on his groin, calling card) indicate he likes the ladies. Also I got the lack of procreation reference (again because I'd just read the W article), but most readers won't unless you mention he had no children near that image.

Francis the Seafarer image and caption--like.

I have mixed feelings on the man carrying the horse photo and caption in "The Birth of a Legend" section. I like the joke, but think it would better if that section of the article had a reference that related to the photo. Also the image, even though black and white, looks very modern. But it might still work if it were tied into the section better.

I like the gibbet and Protestant photo and caption, although it gets me feeling a little queasy. Black Adder's Queen Elizabeth I? Yes (even though I shouldn't say that, as I'm a big fan of the real queen), and like the caption too. Although could change to "her question (comma) " And...." And also please link to the featured Queen Elizabeth I article, which I, ahem, did a second if unofficial Pee Review thereof.

Calling card--yes.

Map showing the locations of Saga cruiseship wrecks since 1987--this and the brief reference in the article don't seem to fit the article.

Miscellaneous: 7.5 Average of above--minus .5. Why? Because the ending doesn't work for me. But know that for me a score of 40 means I think an article's ready for VFH. I'd like to see you improve this first.
Final Score: 39.5 Again, I definitely like the article overall. I'd add a bit more humour, shorten some of the sentences (a few longer ones is fine for the tone, but I'd break up some of the longer sentences into two or three sentences), and I'd cut out the very few bits that sound very modern, as well as write a new ending. Please let me know on my talk page after you've edited this as Id like to see it. (Although note I may not be back on site until about 5 May--I'm actually editing this on my vacation).
Reviewer: WHY???PuppyOnTheRadio 04:24, April 27, 2010 (UTC)
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