Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Siege of Orléans
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Yipyapper 17:18, January 17, 2011 (UTC)
|Humour:||4||First off, good start on this article (I like to start my reviews on a bright note)
Now then, the main issue I'm noticing is your repeated use of the word 'idiot,' simply because I have trouble telling if you are trying to make the use of this word humorous, or if you're just pissed at the French and English, I'm not sure which. Instead, I suggest you mix it up a bit by not using 'idiot' as an adjective for every noun. You should also consider the use of strikes to hide the insult with a lighter word, thus making the joke a little bit more
I will give you credit on humour when you talk about god, because some of those parts are indeed funny, however, the entire article as a whole lacks a flow and it feels like you're just out to bash the English and French for some reason. For example, "The English were trying to take Orléans from the French with a massive army of dumbasses from all of their cities to solve 2 problems; killing off their idiots and having a massive army to conquer Orléans." It may seem like you were trying to funny, but it lacks that last punchline, a flow and also, I don't understand how that last part about having a massive army was a problem? In fact, reading this over again, I have trouble understanding the sentence at all. I would take this sentence and split it into two different sentences with a more in-depth analysis of the situation, instead of just calling both sides 'dumbasses' who fought a war. Try writing it out as if you are trying to detail the war, but point out how useless it was, without being so directly insulting to both sides. Make it look more professional, something like "For years, the English aspired to conquer the great French city of Orleans, but it wasn't until now that they decided to attack. The English quickly assembled their
With the section about the star of the siege, the connection with steak is kind of funny, I'll give you credit for that. However, the section is too short and the humour is quick and easily forgotten. Try expanded it by introducing the Earl and why he wanted to take the city, maybe say something like "As the Earl was enjoying his steak with his fellow soldiers, he began to wonder what he could busy himself with for the day. "Orleans" his dinner partners heard him say, and the war was soon under way blah blah blah." Once again, this is just a suggestion. This section definitely has humour potential, look into expanding it.
this issue applies to the rest of the article, because it seems that you end your jokes very quickly when they could be expanded further. For example, when Joan sends the peasants out, who then get assaulted, you end the joke abruptly with Joan leaving the city. Consider expanding it by adding a joke, perhaps saying how Joan couldn't deal with the psychological stress of watching her people get butt-raped. I don't know, I don't like jokes regarding rape, doesn't seem funny to me and makes me feel bad to joke about it. Unfortunately, that's the only idea coming to my head, which worries me, but look to your imagination to find out an additional idea for it besides butt rape. Now, I'll leave you with that one suggestion while I go take a shower...
In the last section about "After the battle, the English generals saw the abandoned city and wondered why they even attacked this lowlife city in the first place. They burnt it to the ground shortly afterwards." This is another example of possible expansion, because you could make a connection between the effort of the British in taking the city with how they just burned it down, something like, "The triumphant British has conquered the glorious city of Orleans and in a sign of victory, burned the entire city down. Needless to say, the irony was not lost on the British, who expressed their anger by burning down London and then all of Scotland." These are just suggestions to help you out a little bit.
|Concept:||7||You have a very good concept here. The Siege of Orleans has plenty of potential to be written in a funny way and as one of histories most unnecessary battles, has an ironic bonus to it. Look to expanding and working on the jokes in this article like I suggested above and you should be able to bring out the humour about one of histories greatest battles.
The concept is also good because it allows you to poke fun at the English feeling of superiority and also at Joan of Arc and the French, who seem to be an endless barrels of insults and jokes. Overall, I really like the concept, a very good choice and you do stay on topic for most of it. I especially like your inclusion of god into it, as he was one the influential figures for Joan D'Arc. British, French and little bit of god, what more could you ask for for an idea?
|Prose and formatting:||5||Your prose is a little sloppy as sentences seem to run together and lack flow and there a sentences that are by themselves that, as a result of being left alone, have lost their humour value. Such as this one, "However, God decided that the Earl is also an idiot for sending idiots to fight an important war, so God told him there were male strippers in the city and joined the idiot army. He was quickly stuck by an arrow." Who joined the idiot army? You fail to re-mention the Earl so its seems God joined it instead. Also, this sentence feels like it should be separated into two functional sentences that lead up too each other instead of just jumping to the point. Then, you could combine that second sentence with that last sentence to show what god's intentions were (in this case, getting the Earl killed). Overall, this applies to most of the article, this example is basically one that serves for the rest of it. Look to re-reading this article and work on the flow of sentences, which should help out with your humour value as well. Two birds with one stone.
Your formatting is alright, although this sense of competency may be attributed to the fact that you have no pictures and the article is really short....or something.
|Images:||0||You have no images, thus the 0. If I were you, I would place an introductory image, perhaps of a classical picture of Joanne d'arc in battle, and then insert a caption of your selection. Another idea might be to have a photoshop picture of strippers on the walls of Orleans, with British soldiers sieging the city with a caption like "THAT'S what were fighting for mates," or something like that. It's entirely up too you, but I do suggest getting at least one or two pics in there, and |
|Miscellaneous:||5||Just my general feeling about this article, concept is very good, but you haven't maximized its funny potential|
|Final Score:||21||I'd give this article an average review because on one hand, it lacks a coherent flow and isn't all that funny, but on the other, it has great potential if you just expanding the articles and split up sentences to lead up too the joke instead of just writing it down so quickly as if you're being chased by someone and you need to finish this article in a hurry. Consider how long it took you to write this article, because it seems like it took maybe an hour, tops. If it took you more than a day, than I'm an ass and I'm sorry, but it doesn't seem like it. Overall, average work that could use some time to just sit and look at it and edit the hell out of it. Also, add some pictures!!|
|Reviewer:||--Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა) 04:28, January 18, 2011 (UTC)|