Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Sidney Ohio

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edit Sidney Ohio

ISCHOZ 10:18, February 12, 2010 (UTC)

Before anyone reviews this, signatures don't go on the end of articles.Sir ¬_¬ | Banter HOMOPHOBE!!! CUN Icons-flag-us NOTM 10:20, February 12, 2010 (UTC)
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Humour: 5.75 First off, welcome to Uncyclopedia! I'm sure somebody will post a welcome message with pertinent information for you on your talk page very soon. Now, as a new user, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt over what you have here. It's understandable that you won't know how to properly make an article yet. I can tell by what you have though, that you certainly have promise as a writer here, so please take this merely as constructive criticism. I would really like to see you develop the ideas you have here and make this into a full unncyclopedia article and hopefully have you become a part of our community here. That said, do not be discouraged if the score I give seems low, I'm going to grade this article the same as if one of our seasoned veterans turned it in for review. But do not be discouraged! I really do see promising signs in your writing style.

This is the way I review: I give my first impressions after one read through, and then do a more in-depth analysis.

Initial Impressions

You have good ideas here, but you don't develop them at all. You also have a few dumb lines mixed in, but there is promise here, if not for this article, then for future projects of yours.

Review

your first line is a little puzzling. Saying the town was founded in 1819 is perfectly fine. but saying "that’s over fifty years ago" is a little pointless. "Why yes, that would be more than 50 years, so what?" is a likely response. What I mean is that it's a statement of fact that really isn't humorous. You should find a way to make it funny or simply delete it.

"People began to flood the small Midwestern town upon hearing of lucrative careers in the fur trade as well as affordable prostitution." Now this is funny! The reason it's funny is because of your use of adjectives, words like "lucrative" and "affordable." Normally, references to whores tend to sound more cliche than funny, but you do it in a way here that works. This is the kind of promise that I was talking about earlier.

It's at this point that you need to expand your article and your humor. You have promising bit about yogurt and paper mills, but the all gay casino seems to be a bit much. Labeling the casino all-gay is an easy way out of making a proper joke, in my opinion. Plus, around 1819 there really weren't "casinos" yet. I mean, they were practically still chasing the Indians west at that point! Now, a gay-friendly saloon might work, but again, the "gay" bit is just creative laziness. I would simply focus on coming up with a different, better joke, and based on the good bits you've written in this article, I know you can do it.

The bit about the mayor is actually fairly funny, I especially liked the part where the town's people chant "we shall overcome," that was especially good. However, you follow that up with a bit of silliness; "If you do not chant along with the others you will be shot....in the face. " Come on, that's just a little bit juvenile don;t you think? mostly I would think of a 5th grader saying something like that. Develop the good humor and don't feel a need to throw in stupid lines to pacify stupid people, they aren't worth compromising your good ideas for.

The list of businesses and churches and the joke going along with them is good, but the numbers seem a little arbitrary and high. I would substitute hard numbers for adjectives like 'many' or 'lots'

Police brutality, ah yes, a tried and true stereotype of being stereotypical. Making fun of the police department is an ok idea, but I really don't see a need to use the word "fuck" since you haven't been profane thus far.

If you're going to make the assertion that the police department accepts sexual favors you should probably make the delivery better, especially the last part. I also see the potential for jokes there too. You should say something like, "it is best to pay the fine." You could add, "Farmer Johnson never seems to pay the fine, he also seems to speed in town quite a bit too." innuendo!

throwing batteries is a little random. Throwing objects is funny, but I think you need a more believable object being thrown than batteries. Maybe something town-related like the excess yogurt from the factory.

Concept: 4.5 Fairly average concept, lampooning a specific town, and you don't really develop it that much. You do, however, show promise for expanding and improving this concept. What I would do is create a larger and more comprehensive introduction section, followed by a history section, a demographics section perhaps, and so forth.
Prose and formatting: 3 Numerous issues here, ranging from grammar to formatting. You have a section using the == format at the very beginning of the article with the article name, which is completely wrong. also, when you define the term in the article, wrap it with three ' on each side. It makes text bold. grammar-wise you seem to have comma trouble. "Archibald McCormick, Sidney's first mayor," is how that should read. "The team known as the (yellow jackets)" makes improper use of parentheses, you don't need them here. Also, you have numerous redlinks. you need to link them to actual articles or get rid of them. You can have the link say something other than the article name too. For instance, if I wanted to link to an article about anchovies, but I wanted the link to say "fish" I would do this: fish (click to edit this page and look at the source code within the text to see how I did that).

You need to do the following to improve the prose of this article:

  • expand your intro
  • create and expand actual sections
  • fix grammar and red links
Images: 0 you have no images. You need to include about one image for every two sections of article. Since you have no images, I have to give you a score of 0 here, but I understand being a noob you probably didn't know how to add an image. you can ask me later how to do this if you wish.
Miscellaneous: 2 This is a fairly bad effort at writing an article, there's no way around it. you do show sparks of creativity though.
Final Score: 15.25 I really and sincerely hope you stick around and improve this article. I like your sense of humor, and I look forward to seeing improved work from you on your next go around! If there's anything you would like to discuss about this review, please feel free to hit me up at my talk page!
Reviewer: --Sir Skinfan13 Talk {< CUN RotM FBotM VFH ΥΣΣ Maj. SK >} 08:44 EST 12 Feb, 2010
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