Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Secret Nazi Moon Base
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Orbhunterx 22:33, November 6, 2010 (UTC)
- Nazis and space, two of my favourite subjects. I'm in here. --Black Flamingo 14:58, December 4, 2010 (UTC)
|Humour:||5||Ok, you have a really good idea for an article here, the main problem - in my opinion - is that the concept isn't fully realised. I'll talk more about this in Concept of course, but for now let's just go through this section by section.
Your intro is ok, and is probably one of the most focussed parts of the article. It introduces the idea of a secret Nazi Moon base well, and the only real issues I found here are that it could use a few more jokes; you don't make many. Your intro doesn't need a huge amount of jokes as its job is mostly to establish what the article's going to be about, but it's also important to establish exactly what kind of humour will be employed by the article. Is it going to be satirical? silly? Crude? etc. Get at least one joke in there that introduces the article's style of humour, this will really help your reader get a grip on the article early on.
The first section sees you trying to use Nazi-based humour for the first time, however I don't think it's as successful as it could have been. Let's take a look at the first sentence for instance; "Even before the first booted goose-step landed on the Moon..." This is just a bit messy, and I don't think you've really thought about the joke. For one, it doesn't make much sense grammatically (this is a prose issue, but I'll talk about it here). "Goose-step" is an action, how can a goose-step land on the Moon? Now, I know what you mean, but I really think you should clear it up as it doesn't look very professionally written. From a humour point of view this line also seems slightly underdeveloped. It's like you're just forcing Nazi references into a lunar setting, without paying much attention to what the two concepts have in common. You need to develop these two ideas better. You could have made a joke here about small steps and giant leaps, for example; "One small goose-step for man, one giant leap for the master race". What other ways could you transplant Nazi jokes into a lunar formula? Perhaps try writing a list of every Nazi stereotype you can think of and every Moon stereotype you can think of, then see how you can reconcile those two very separate worlds. What else do they have in common? I would also recommend you read British Moon Landing to get a good idea of how to write an article that blends concepts in the same way yours does.
Also in this section, I liked the YouPorn joke, but I think the parenthesis ruin the joke a bit. Simply adding humorous, bracketed comments on at the end looks really rushed. Take your time to tell jokes' try re-word this so it’s just a normal sentence like all the others.
Then, the massive quote from the Ministry of Gene enhancement has some decent ideas in it, but again the format ruins it. I don’t understand why it’s a canned quote, it seems really out of place and appears pretty much out of nowhere. I would recommend you take some of the better ideas in here, like the overgrown penises, and flesh them out into proper prose-based sections about the Nazi’s genetic experiments.
My first thought when I got to the Other Nations Involved section was “is that it?” You don’t really take the concept, which is a fine one, very far. There’s only been an intro and one section and you’re already digressing into irrelevant subject matter. This is the kind of thing that might come at the end of the article, not half way through. It’s also a bit of an odd section. It seems mostly to focus on how NASA has failed to establish a moon base of its own. What do you mean by "NASA was covering its own butt?" To be honest I would rather you talked about Nazi Moon Bases rather than took the piss out of NASA, it all seems a bit out of place.
Ok, now for the Kinds of Saucerish Craft section. I’ll be honest, I really didn’t know what to make of this section; again it seemed to have very little to do with Nazi Moon bases. Is it some kind of car-based satire, perhaps? Such humour is lost on me as I know fuck all about cars. It’s also a bit listy. Lists tend to skim over concepts rather get to grips with what's funny about them, and they're also a bit predictable. You don’t go into detail about any of the things you talk about here, and the result is that I was a bit perplexed. I don't know if you've read How to be funny and not just stupid, but I find it's an invaluable guide to writing for this site. One of the things it advises against is lists, just in case you're wondering what my point is here.
As for the Defenses Against Mentally-Superior Genetically-Perfect Moon Nazis section; Again it’s listy and difficult to follow. It took a considerable amount of my concentration to figure out that the things you list are the titular “defenses”. They’re all a bit random and silly. That's another thing HTBFANJS advises against; random humour. The fact is, it's hard to make it work. Most of the time it just ends up as a big rambling mess that's impossible to follow and doesn't really satirise anything. It tends to confuse the reader more than make them laugh. For example, here you say Ann Coulter and John Boehner are weapons to be used against the Nazis, although earlier you said they were Nazis. Obviously this makes no sense. Consistency is much better, so try to get the last few sections more in line with the opening ones - focussed squarely on Nazi Moon bases.
And to end the humour section; what on Earth does the Chili Peppers quote have to do with anything? Again, this is just way too random; more perplexing than funny.
|Concept:||6||The concept is a very interesting one, however it's undercooked. As I've hinted at above, you really struggle to stay focussed on it for very long. I was expecting a bit more history than just "Nazis went to Antarctica, then to the Moon", which is basically all the background you get here. Where did the base come from? Which Nazis survived? What do they do up there? What are their views on the modern world? Have you ever read Man in the High Castle by Philip K. Dick? (Great book that deals with a similar subject). You basically need to concentrate on your main subject, and write as much as you can about it. Go into a lot more detail about the base, explore the conspiracy theories and evidence and things like that. Just think; if this was real, how would it affect us? And what would be funny about it? Get a lot more Nazi based humour in there, and try to blend it with Moon based humour too. The main thing to remember is not to veer off this topic.|
|Prose and formatting:||6||Your spelling and grammar are pretty good, so well done there. At least you can write, which gives me hope that you can get this article into much better shape without much trouble. There are a few parts of the prose that don't flow very well though, such as this line in the intro: "Adolf Hitler and his chosen successors got busy for years". It's just a bit messy, and sounds like it hasn't really been proofread yet. Try reading the prose out loud perhaps, I find that usually helps; just to make sure it's all laid out the way you want it to be. Just one more thing before I forget, you misspell lessers as "lessors" in the first section.
|Images:||5||Your images are ok really, although I did have a few qualms with a few of them. A lot of the time, however it's the caption that is the problem.
With the first one, what do you mean when you put "kaboom" in the caption? Are they going to blow up the moon? This isn’t mentioned anywhere else in your article, although having said that, you don't really go into detail about their plan at all.
The massive image of moon base is good, perhaps this should be your opening image instead of the plain moon one. The current positioning is also a bit scruffy. You don't have to make it a thumbnail, but if you're not going to you probably shouldn't have a caption. If you want to do it like this (ie. huge and in the middle of the article) try aligning it to the centre and space it out so it doesn’t interrupt the flow of text.
The caption for the image in Other Nations Involved doesn’t make sense. What is holding Nazi flying saucers of doom?
Finally, the Iron Sky image would be good if it didn’t look so much like a movie poster. Perhaps if you, or someone else could chop it so it looks more like a propaganda poster or something.
|Miscellaneous:||5||My overall feeling.|
|Final Score:||27||So like I said, you have some great ideas here, it's the execution that spoils it. The main thing to remember is to go into more detail about the subject, and try not to get as distracted as you do here. You should definitely have a play with the formatting too as the article just looks unprofessional right now. Overall, you've done some great work here, especially for a first piece, and I look forward to seeing you continue working on it. If there's anything I've said here that you want me to explain better, or if you want my opinion on anything I might have missed, please let me know and I'll try to help. I hope the review is ok.|
|Reviewer:||--Black Flamingo 18:53, December 4, 2010 (UTC)|