Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Schlieffen Plan

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FAQ

edit Schlieffen Plan

Sir ScottPat Icons-flag-gb Scotland Flag 1 UnS CUN VFH (talk) 17:44, April 11, 2013 (UTC)

Humour: 7 The only defect your article has is that the jokes are sometimes a bit too explicit. You often use the cliché opinions about the French, for example, but even clichés can be funny, if they are not simply stated.

For example, in the introduction you can remove the second reference to the plan of the World Domination or hide the idea, making the joke implicit. It may be hard but I rely on you knowing that you are a great comedian.

The same thing with the first section: you talk about how the French did not learn from their history and, therefore, did not expect Germans to come from the Belgian border. But it is possible to make it even funnier. Let's say, for instance, that the French did not expect the German soldiers could walk several exta kilometers, as they thought that all their enemies were as lazy as themselves. In the same part, you also seem to be telling the story, but you should remember that it is not the history section.

But it is not always so. There is a very good joke about Germany invading Russian and not France! And the one about Argentina!

Concept: 8 I liked the concept but thought that several ideas were incomplete and your jokes unfinished. You say that the Plan consisited in surprising the French, however it is not so in your last section (which I really like). You need ore connections between the sections. You can say that the Germans were tired of attacking France and decided to change their plan.

Several other comments:

  1. You do not talk much how the plan was developed. Once you say that this was done fourty years after 1870, therefore in 1910. Ut this is the only mention of it.
  2. The sentences are often very long. That means that different sections should be reformed.
Prose and formatting: 6 The formatting is not bad, although your long sentences hamper you from noticing mistakes inside them. As I always do, here is my proofreading:
  • You should probably rephrase the first sentence, as "invent to someone" dies not sound well.
  • It would also be better to change the titles such as "WW1" into the full ones. I have never seen any Wikipedia titles like this.
  • I think that some punctuation is needed in the first paragraph of "The first recorded use of the Schlieffen Plan". Another too long sentence is the last one of the first paragraph of the "WW1".
  • The word "off guard" is repeated too many times, as well as "the French least expected it". Remember that rich vocabulary will make your work better!
Images: 7 The choice of images is good as always! The main problem is with their location. The first image is good, but you explain the part about Greece only in your last section. In the first three uses, you don't mention this country which means that the image does not illustrate the article. To change this, it can be moved towards the end, therefore illustrating it. If you do so, than you another pictire will have to be inserted at the beginnning of the article.

The third image is funny but the red words close part of the picture. If it is you who photoshopped it, than you can move the red words more to the middle of the illustration,

Miscellaneous: 7 The average score.
Final Score: 35 It is a good article on military history! The main problem is the structure and the organization. But it is still funny!
Reviewer: Anton (talk) Uncyclopedia United 12:56, July 3, 2013 (UTC)
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