Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/San Jose
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Noveed 08:58, November 24, 2010 (UTC)
|A big mug o' reviewin' strength tea? Why, that must mean this article|
is being reviewed by:
UU - natter
(While you're welcome to review it as well, you might like to consider helping someone else instead).
(Also, if the review hasn't been finished within 24 hours of this tag appearing, feel free to remove it or clout UU athwart the ear'ole).
|Humour:||4||Hmm, how to start? That's a 4, and you're not going to be happy. But here's the deal - many city or town related articles on this site would get maybe a 2, because town articles are rarely funny except to a handful of people who live there. This, however, has a few good ideas, and some potential, which is a lot more than I was expecting. It may not be brilliant, but it's a lot better than it could have been, and a solid start. I'd suggest you expand the good bits (wow, world-changing advice there UU!) and lose the bad - so keep the intro, because that's OK, and expand on the ideas in the "natural habitat" section and the infobox that it is the ultimate nerd city. That would be good. Lose the rest, and go from there.|
|Concept:||5||There is the shred of a good idea here - when you focus on the place being full of nerds, and having an official language of binary and so forth, it has real possibilities. However, the Smashmouth bit is completely off the point, and just seems tagged on at the end. I'd get rid of the Smashmouth section, and focus more on the idea of a town of nerds. That has a lot of potential. Imagine the possibilities - in a town of nerds, is there still the same social structure? Are there still jock nerds, and cheerleader nerds? How does that work? How does a whole town of nerds function? I could have a lot of fun with that idea, and I think you could too, if you let yourself go. Maybe the town gangs are split along Windows vs Linux lines? Or PC vs Mac? Or both... That kind of thing. I also like the outsourced mayor - maybe you could expand on that idea a bit, and also think about what other functions the place could outsource?
Lose the list bit, lists are rarely a good idea and expand some of the ideas into small sections of their own instead. Oh, and the "Homotron" idea? No. Bad.
|Prose and formatting:||4||Formatting is OK - infobox is appropriate in context and not too large (although I'd only have one image in it), grammar needs a little work ("50-year-old laid-off tech workers motorboat boobies half their age"? More like "motorboat the boobies of girls half their age"). And there's that list. Lose the list.|
|Images:||5||Images are appropriate to the article and don't confuse things. The captions are fine. I'd get rid of the orchestra, if you lose the Smashmouth section as I suggest. And add more images as the article expands.|
|Final Score:||22.5||That score is just below average, isn't it? There's a reason for that - this is not a bad article, but nor is it a brilliant one. It's a good start. I don't see this getting deleted, I see it getting a few chuckles, but I don't see it getting featured. That's more than a lot of city articles manage!
If you really want this to shine, lose the list, lose Smashmouth, focus more on the "town full of nerds" idea and really have fun with it - there's a lot of places you can go with that. See where your imagination takes you! But this is a lot better than many town/city articles, and that is definitely a good thing! And don't forget: HTBFANJS is your friend.
As always, this is only my opinion, others are available. And good luck!
|Reviewer:||--UU - natter 10:49, Dec 20|