Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Safari (Second Opinion)

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edit Safari

Aizmov 12:18, 15 February 2009 (UTC)

Usually it's awesome if you can present a reason why you want a second opinion, so the next reviewer doesn't fall into the same trap. --Nachlader 12:48, 15 February 2009 (UTC)
I guess he just wants some additional advice. The trap to fall in would be to give (exactly) the same advice as the previous reviewer. -Sockpuppet of an unregistered user 13:02, 15 February 2009 (UTC)
Nachlader, check out the previous review. - [13:30 15 February 2009] YYettie
Yes, Aizmov probably wants a more in-depth review than Bitchass441 gave him. -Sockpuppet of an unregistered user 13:32, 15 February 2009 (UTC)
I can't believe I've used up 7GB on my PS3's hard drive on music alone. --Nachlader 13:37, 15 February 2009 (UTC)
I'm looking for additional advice. I'd love a more in-depth review, which can highlight what can be fixed and what needs to be aborted. I'd also like editors to contribute to the article. Just make sure to sign your name in the talk page, this is an ignorable policy. Aizmov 11:09, 16 February 2009 (UTC)
I got this baby. --kit 14:56, 17 February 2009 (UTC)
Humour: 6 Just let me tell you that I haven't read your first review to avoid getting "contaminated". Also the following tips, thoughts and comments are my own and personal opinion and you're free to do whatever you want with this. Now, lets get busy. Firstly the humour. As a fellow Mac hater I may be a bit biased in my opinion but I do work with it everyday and have learned to lvie with it.. and Safari. But at first glance Im a tiny bit disappointed. Your quotes are simply too long and boring. I see opening quotes as a short and witty way to engage the reader. I read them but didnt really want to. I felt lazy just looking at there length. And who is John Lilly?(some mozilla dude i think) Use either really famous people either common nameless people.

Even though your introduction paragraf is quite humourous it feels a bit too detailed and specific to be an introduction. The sentences when you eplain how it was ported and how its closed source could maybe be developed and turned into full-blown paragrafs later on. You also use a lot of abbreviations like GNU, RMS and KDE. Even though they are linked I don't know what they are and you should, at least the first time you use them, write them in full length. For the sake of simplicity and clarity. The Jobs iVision part is funny but I simply don't get the link between the title "Steve Jobs iVision" and the goat stuff you write about. Maybe change that title to something more related (unless I missed an obvious connection, but in that case it obviously wasnt obvious enough =P). Same thing with the next paragraf about the charts. It too is well thought of and original but the title feels out of place. You should also use the "iThing" word idea to a minimum and not overuse it. "iFeatures" is witty but you dont need more "iWords" than that cause afterall, the iThing is more of an iPod hting and not really apple nor safari. The feature list itself was also a good idea and had me chuckle on some of the things. But while some were funny there are a few that you could be without - the "Built in RSS" - OK (where I dont know what an RSS is and neither does it sound funny just to say ok).

Basically, you have good ideas and there is potential to laugh but there are small things here and there which prevent the reader (me) from fully enjoying this article. Most of these things are details that I'll discuss further down. So focus first on maybe creating new paragrafs where you can write about and develop the 2 ideas I mentioned earlier. Also try to keep in mind that you want this to be funny to most people so simplify everything as much as you can. "Dumb it down a nutch" =) A good tip I always give is to read your article out loud, that way you can hear if sentences sound a bit weird or or malformulated.

Concept: 7 The concept is simple and is quite an ok one to describe Safari. I personally like non-bias humour where authors fake seriousity on themes that are indeed silly. I thought for a while if I could come up with a different concept idea as to how one could write this article and havent so far thought up any better one. Although you may want to be cautious with your sarcastic comments (such as the features) and try to let them speak for themself. The reader often understands the most subtle hints at sarcasm (unless they're as dumb as I am) so make you sure you're not too sarcastic in any of your paragrafs.
Prose and formatting: 5 The prose was ok. Nor great nor awesome but good enough. I surely spotted a few sentences that could be enhanced a rephrased. I also noticed at least one verb which tense seemed out of context. You also sometimes use commas where a point could do or points where commas would feel better. As I've already said, read your text out loud see how you can make it easy to read and understand.

As for the format, hmm.. Well there again its quite basic and works but I see lots of small things that could enhance it. All your pictures are to the right and it might look nice to try and work with there layout - spread them out a bit. Compared to older versions of your article you also moved your "feature comments" to footnotes. I dont understand that and it seems and looks silly to me. It was better the way it was. Maybe it could even be ordered up even more in some table or something. Creating two columns to make it look neater could be a simple solution. As for your content window; it creates an empty space where it is now. I'd try moving it aorund see if it could fit better at some other place - maybe the upper right corner. One last comment abouyt the format - I don't like black bars hiding text. That may be my opinion but I like to think there are better and more subtle ways to be sarcastic. Maybe a rephrasing of the sentence or at least the usage of "( )".

Images: 6 Once again your pictures are ok but Is till think two of them could be replaced by funnier ones. The first one is simple and original - I like the idea, but try finding a picture where it shows a bit more how much out of place Safari is in Windows. Think of something =P . As for the second safari/africa picture, maybe try finding a funny looking goat and picture him instead as the "co-founder" of safari. Maybe invent a small resume you could as in a paragraf next to the picture. The two charts I liked =)
Miscellaneous: 5 +5 points cuz Mac suX :D
Final Score: 29 I look forward to see what you do with this article. If ya want I can always make a small try changing the format a bit and help you with rephrasing sentences but first I still think you need to change some of the content itself. Improve a few parts, move some around, add some things and remove a few others. Although you might not agree one bit with me I sure hope you appreciated my thoughts. Good luck and see ya around! Cheers!
Reviewer: --kit 15:39, 17 February 2009 (UTC)

John Lilly to Mozilla is like Bill Gates Steve Ballmer to Microsoft or Steve Jobs to Apple. I thought John Lilly's, Mozilla's current CEO -at the time of the quotes COO- quotes are relevant. http://john.jubjubs.net/2007/06/14/a-pictures-worth-100m-users/ I'm an Apple-fan, and felt betrayed by Steve Jobs' keynote, I always believed that IE is our common enemy, and considering that a lot of people were enraged or at least disappointed by it I thought it was relevant to mention it. Maybe I can shorten the quotes, or do something about them. If you can, please do. I welcome all editors.
I can't do anything about KDE (K Desktop Environment), GNU (GNU's Not Unix) or RMS (Richard M. Stallman). That's how they are known.
The goat is the vision Steve Jobs saw and inspired him to write Safari. It is inspired by a parody video of Obama on The Daily Show. http://blog.indecision2008.com/2008/08/29/the-daily-show-barack-obama-completes-us/
I removed the i's from some the subsection titles. FYI, iThing is an Apple thing. iMac, iBook, iPod, iPhone, iMovie, iPhoto, iDVD, iWeb, iWork, iTunes, iDisk. I'm surprised Safari wasn't named iBrowse.
I don't know how to move the contents list. If anyone can help me with that, please do.
I don't like censored text either, that's why I only used it once.
I'm grateful for you review and comments, and if you'd like, I'd be more than glad to have you edit and fix the article. I think, at least for now, this is about how much I can put into the article. I'll need some time to come with something new. Aizmov 06:07, 18 February 2009 (UTC)
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