Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Russell Brand

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edit Russell Brand

Its the first article I've written on this site; so I'd like to get it reviewed by some more experienced members who can give me advice on how to improve. --Iwritewhatiwant 19:11, September 11, 2011 (UTC)

Experienced? Member? These are unfamiliar words to me, but I'm going to review it anyways. --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)  Georgia-flag-on-soccer-ball-vector 19:45, September 14, 2011 (UTC)
How long do these reviews normally take? If something has happened then I know a very good florist who does a very reasonable rate on wreaths. I would also be more than happy to drive the hearse - I've never driven around with a body in my boot (well, basically never) and would like to know what it feels like. --Writey 14:50, September 17, 2011 (UTC)
Well, with me, 1-2 days, so you get Amazon shipping quality pretty much. Unfortunately, Classes have been a pain for me, but it's finally saturday, so I'll see to it that I get it done today. Sorry ol' matey, not doing my best this month. --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)  Georgia-flag-on-soccer-ball-vector 15:40 , September 17, 2011 (UTC)
Don't apologize! I'm just thrilled you're still in the realm of the living! Ah, I'm sure you're having a fine month, just imagine how much worse it would be if you were a woman. --Writey 16:26, September 17, 2011 (UTC)
I....don't fucking believe it. I finished the review and safari quit on me....I'll...I'm going to go have a heartache now. I'll see if I restart today......why.......--Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)  Georgia-flag-on-soccer-ball-vector 18:15, September 19, 2011 (UTC)
That'll teach you to use Apple products - you should know Steve Jobs hates you, he hates me, he even hates puppies. Use Chrome, Google's plan of world domination is much subtler. If you want we can go on IRC, Skype etc. and you could talk me through it, I just say that as I know what it feels like to have to write something all over again that you've just written, and also - I don't want to wait another week! --Writey 18:24, September 19, 2011 (UTC)
I remember when I was using IE (lots of years ago). My edits used to get lost all the time. Now I use Firefox. It has this magical ability that prevents things from disappearing. Sir SockySexy girls Mermaid with dolphin Tired Marilyn Monroe (talk) (stalk)Magnemite Icons-flag-be GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 18:52, 19 September 2011
It also has this magical ability to break most of the scripts on this site, even the ones that work on IE without any special compatibility crap. 1234 ~ 16px-Pointy 18:58, 19 September 2011
Humour: 7 So first off, I'd like to tell you your two main problems. The first one is that your article is a tad too long. You have a lot of sentences that can, and should be cut shorter.

I'll go more in-depth in that later on and also in the prose and formatting section. The second issue is that your sections get a little random as you get closer to the end of them. Your sections always start out strong, but then they have a tendency to kind of fade in humour as you continue reading. This will be explained better later on. Now, in-depth analysis.

Introduction First paragraph: Genius, nothing much to critique here.

Second paragraph:Three notes here. One, I generally frown upon jokes that mock others' disabilities or misfortunes, in this case, the joke about Stephen Hawking. I think it would be nice if you could replace this with something else of equally or better quality humour, but it isn't important. Frankly, I think I'm the only one who'd care as most people on this site would laugh at a baby being slapped, so I'll let you decide. The third note is that you should probably use footnotes for all those comments you have in parentheses. Sometimes, I think it's fine to leave them, but your comments seem like that'd be a lot better as footnotes. Just use < ref > to do that. Third comment is most important and I'm going to use your last sentence as an example. It delves into your two main problems. As it is now, "and in 2008 Russell was also voted number one in the worlds sexiest recovering drug addicts by the the panel of X-Factor judges; Simon Cowell, Cheryl Cole and last but not least, Louis Walsh," It has a lot of unnecessary components that make it long and a little random. Something like, "and in 2008, he was awarded title of "sexiest recovering drug addict," dethroning 3 time winner, Robert Downey Jr." Or something like that. That way, you cut down on length and you keep the story relevant. The X-factor thing was just a little random for my taste.

Third Paragraph:Same issue, the joke about the special education is a little touchy, although it is pretty clever, I'll give you that. I'll also give you the decision of whether to change it or not. Sorry, can't think of any better examples, tells you how could my advice is, eh?

Fourth Paragraph: This is where you get a little random. It turns from a biography style like you have before, into something of a personal rant. Work on the flow, cut down on some words and try to make the section seem less like an angry outburst and more like an outloud question of why Katy Perry turned Russell Brand into the normal prick we all hate now. Also, I was confused by this sentence, "make some money is one of alarm, and serves as a warning to everyone of what marrying someone who's breasts are larger than her brain can do to you." I'd suggest how to re-word it, but I'm not 100% what you meant to do here. I'll let you fix it.

Adolescence: The one thing I have to say about the first paragraph is that the comment about Essex isn't necessary anymore. You've already made it clear that Essex is terrible, so it's a little redundant here. Also, this section is another good example of using footnotes, as it saves space and doesn't ruin the flow of the sentences. It also is a good example of a section that could use a good trim. For example, "As the mutations in Russell's brain caused him to develop his sexual drive at approximately 6 years old, many confusing communal shower sessions were had with Russell and his peers, with Russell unknowingly engaging in what is referred to these days as rape (but its okay - because everything in the 80s was just "experimenting")." Now, how about we change it into something like, "As the mutations in Russell's brain caused him to develop his sexual drive at around 6 years of age, the communal showers with his peers would result in Russell engaging in what now call 'rape.' Months of therapy would be needed for both Russell and the 4 unfortunate kids who dropped the soap, repeatedly." Or how about this section, " or by the aliens on his home planet - so the human race does not know that in fact, Russell is first contact." That part after the dash is really unnecessary and I would suggest deleting it. Just a suggestion of course.

A little story to explain why so little is known about Mini Russ: Frankly, I was flat out confused about this entire section. Who is the speaker? Some guy? The narrator? I have no idea. IN all honesty, it seemed a little too random, especially that part about his fight with chairs, that should seriously be considered for deletion. Just saying. You need to clarify who is talking here and you need to keep it relevant and short. Too much randomness here to talk this much space in the article. For example, why'd you cross out fact and leave bullshit? Isn't this guy trying to tell the truth? Also, that quote at the end....I'm not sure what to do with it. On one hand, I think it should be deleted since it's so random. On another, it is kind of funny...I'll let you decide hat you want to do with it. All in all, this is a problem section for sure, needs work, so follow what I suggested.

Career

First paragraph: It's ok, but I would suggest you work on wording and cut down on the words a bit.

Second paragraph: This one has a lot of unnecessary components. In fact I would suggest you simply delete everything after, "as it is certainly where Russell made his biggest break." The rest is just drawn un conversation that really isn't funny or too important to the article itself. Cutting down on that would really free up some space.

Third paragraph: Not too sure about this one. In my opinion, all that commentary about the movie Arthur is slightly out of place, seems more like it would belong in a separate article about said movie. In my opinion, delete or drastically shorten all that stuff about the movie arthur, put those comments in parentheses into footnotes, and join paragraph 2 and 3 together. The last paragraph was good, I don't have to say anything about it.

The Sachsident: So overall, this was a good section. Good use a little more use of humour or irony, here and there, but overall good. Not much to say here, although once again, I'd try to cut some words out to shorten the length of the section. Just a suggestion.

Drug (ab)usage and sexual deviancy: Hmmm, this section could use a little more work. For one, I'm not sure, "Not only would it be an excellent way of covering the smell of old people, but would also lead to some very interesting legislation being drawn up" is necessary. Either make that a footnote, or delete, because it de-tracks from the article. That's really the main issue, although the section could use a few more touch-ups. I don't know what it is exactly, but something doesn't seem right about the section...something I can't put my finger on...I'd get a second opinion on it if I was you.

The five simple steps to your very own STD: Clever title and a pretty good section, although it could use a little re-wording here. Such as here, "That took the most prominent researchers over 10 years to figure out," maybe something like, "These 5 simple steps, which border along rapist and predator techniques, took scientists over 10 years to understand. As one researcher commented, "Like the Heisenberg principle, you can never know where Russell is at any one point, but you can generally assume the approximate location where he is having intercourse with an unconscious woman." Or something like that, I'll leave that up to you.

Ending was good and that's all that needs to be said here.

Concept: 9 It's the hair, it just gets me. That, and the fact that you did a really good job with this article, congratulations. Just follow the advice I give you above and see if you can't turn this article into the winner I know she be, or he, I don't really care about specifics.
Prose and formatting: 7 So, I noticed a lot of places where you could use some good ol' punctuation, like commas, periods, things like that, such as before conjunctions or between sentences. I would just re-read the article and make you've gotten rid of any of those problems, like here, "Most recently he played the part of Arthur, in the film - Arthur. A title that can only be described as a masterpiece of wit." That period before "A title" is out of place. You have other examples like this throughout the article, just re-read and fix them and you should be fine. I already fixed some small things for you, least I could do.
Images: 7 Good use of images, don't need to add any more. I would suggest though that you use the same principle I suggested before, which is you shorten your sentences. For example, the picture of Manuel, maybe something like, "Hello, Fawtly Towers. Oh, you had sex with my grand-daughter? This is very rude sir I-What? Oh no, don't call Mr. Fawlty please!" Or something with a little bit better flow. All the captions with the pictures seem to have this issue, so if you could work on the flow a little bit, they'd be perfect.
Miscellaneous: 8 How many STDs I assume Russell has
Final Score: 38 So, first off, really sorry it took me forever to get this review to you. I've been so busy lately and plus, this article is really long and I wanted to give you a really good review, since I think this article has so much potential in it to become a VFH. Anyways, any questions, comments, angry letter-bombs, just put them on my talkpage and I'll get back to you. Good work here by the way, really wood gork. Wait that's not right...
Reviewer: --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)  Georgia-flag-on-soccer-ball-vector 21:42, September 19, 2011 (UTC)
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