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The story of how this page originated is on the talk page. It was a driving force for the creation and the early writing of the article, and then it became fun to write, and soon was more fun than a barrel of donkeys. Thanks for taking this,
Aleister 18:36 3 7 MMX
- In the name of Sophia and for the honor of the fraternity, it would be my pleasure to review this article for you! 24-48 hours. I'm going to sleep now, but I'll start tomorrow as soon as I awake from my slumber. -- GUN WotM RotM FBotM VFH SK Maj. ΥΣΣ 03:56 EST 5 July, 2010
|Humour:||9.25||The way I review, I generally put the majority of my comments and suggestions in the humor section. This allows me to |
Wow! This was a lot funnier than I expected, nice angle you took there. I really like the beginning of the article, I'm currently at home by myself and I was laughing out loud, literally, and that is a rare thing indeed considering I only expose my laughs when other people can hear my hearty guffaws. That said, I do have a few suggestions for improvement before this gets put up for featuring.
Section by Section
I think I had the most problems with this section, namely because it's short and doesn't read very smoothly. Expanding your introduction and making it a little more comprehensive would be a pretty good idea. Rewording what you have too is going to be important, I had to read through the intro twice in order to make perfect sense out of the word order. I would break the first sentence down more clearly. I would also find a better way to say "stupider and stupider." Something like, "lamer and more expensive," or something to that effect. As for expanding, just be sure to include a little more material from your article.
This is by far the funniest section of your article. There really isn't much I can say in terms of improving this section, I really think you hit the nail on the head here. I like the shout-out to my Earth article as well :) All in all this section is pretty much perfect the way it is.
Development and Manufacture
This section is ok, but it seems a bit short. In addition to being short it feels like its missing a crucial bit of information. I think what I'm trying to say here is that there seems to be a large jump from the one guy who fastens the stick to his wrist to the manufacture of lots of these. The missing middle step of course is the rise in popularity, after all, demand creates supply. I will say that what you do have here is very well written, I especially like the recurring "and giggle." joke.
there is a problem here, you describe how the sundial watch is developed and begun to be massed produced in the best way possible for stone-age men, but you make the leap from sundial to mechanical without really touching on the subject. You need to make clear that the mechanical watch tells time on its own without the aid of the sun. Otherwise we are led to think (even though we all know better) that the mechanical watch is just a mechanical sundial. I think there's room for humor about the development of the mechanical watch and how it tells time without the aid of the sun. Maybe an ape-man wanted to know the time on a cloudy day or something...
Mechanized sticks and the race against time
I like how you're tying in the Rolex company now. I also like how nonchalantly the guy just throws in the Rolex Twist (sounds like a rich persons jitterbug dance, huh?). I also really like how you're saying that Rolex basically invented our modern conception of time in order to charge people lots of money to know exactly what time it is. I really like the narrative structure you have going here. it works very well, especially the short sentences at the end of each section, like the "giggling" and "smoking cigars."
A Fool's Errand
very good use of descriptive language and synonyms here! This section was pretty fun to read and very well written. I especially like the use of non-sequitur blue-links and clever asides (such as the "in between fits of laughter and cigar smoke" style stuff). I thought the ploy of the company to cut in on the fake Rolex market was pretty clever, and the whole exchange between the "salesman" and the "mark" was pretty funny. I especially liked the "inevitable question" that would be asked. lucky for the gentleman his new Rolex would be able to tell him exactly that and an abundance of other useless calendar trivia knowledge.
"My Daddy Has Two Watches"
A brilliant section and a brilliant end to the article. I especially like the last sentence of the article, a very good twist of the recurring joke.
Final Humor Comments
This is a very funny and well-written piece of work you have here. I especially like the Douglas Adams style humor and writing you are displaying here, whether that was intentional or not. His sort of non-sequitur humor is in my opinion some of the best in the written universe. That said, there are some improvements to be made I think, but by addition and not subtraction. I'll get into some of that in the concept section below.
|Concept:||8||First and foremost, pretty clever concept, following the development of the wristwatch as if Rolex was behind the whole damn reason we need to know what time it is. I especially like the early history section.
Now I do have a couple of suggestions for additions, some I touched on briefly earlier, some I haven't yet. First of all, I think that your transition from Development... to ...Manufacture was a bit sloppy. I think you need to add a story or explanation about how the wrist sundial became popular, because like I said before, demand creates supply. you can't just have the one village idiot making a wrist"watch" and then in the next section everyone has one and they're being massed produced. Add a little story about how maybe the chieftains daughter saw it and wanted a really nice one with lots of extra ornaments or something. And then when the chieftain's daughter had one, everyone wanted one. Just my personal idea. Since you have a pretty good thing going here, I would encourage you to find your own way to bridge these two sections and expand the development section.
Secondly, and very similarly, you need to describe the switch from sundial to mechanical time telling. There isn't a clear transition or reason for transition in your article, and I think you could come up for some very humorous reasons why the switch happened. Like I said earlier, maybe it was cloudy out and someone needed to know what time it was, so they decided to make an automated "sundial" which became the clock. Also, there seems to be very little mention of the clock even though in real life the clock and wristwatch are closely connected. I don't think that's really a problem though, just an observation.
Third, it seems like throughout the article until the very last paragraph there's no mention of competing products or brands. I think its important for Rolex to be portrayed as the manipulating all-powerful company that's concerned the market, but at the same time the article makes it seem like Rolex developed the watch and was the only company that supplied them. maybe adding how others saw Rolex success and tried to duplicate that success by coming up with their own ridiculous designs for complex wristwatches would be a good idea.
This is a suggestion of mine that really doesn't have anything to do with "shortcomings" within the article, its just an idea that came to me while I was writing this review. What if you mentioned Einstein's theory of relativity? I mean, you seem to imply that Rolex invented the modern concept of time (implying that they have invested a lot on selling to notion of time as being fixed and important), and Einstein basically comes out of nowhere and says that time is arbitrary, relative, and irrelevant in the grand context. Maybe Rolex might try and silence such heresy... just an idea.
All in all though, solid concept that needs a little bit of addition.
|Prose and formatting:||9||Very well written, I especially like the tone you've taken throughout the article and the similarities to Douglas Adams' humor and writing style, whether intentional or not. I can't stress how professional the article feels in terms of writing ability.
There were a few, minor grammatical problems but I can't recall them off the top of my head, so that really shouldn't be a problem. I went through and fixed the two or three spelling errors you had for you.
One thing that I didn't like about the article was the severe lack of blue-links. I think that you did that on purpose in order to have your non-sequitur blue-links stand out. If so, I think that these joke swill still be noticed with the inclusion of more blue-links. The reason more of these is a good idea is simply to break up the color of the page. Your article right now is incredibly black and white, which makes it a little hard to look at imo. I would go ahead and add a couple extra blue-links to break up the monotony. The color issue I'll address under images as well.
|Images:||5.5||This is by far the area where your article lacks the most. When I first started reviewing this for you, you only had two pictures and the score I would have given would have been around 4. With the inclusion of the picture at the bottom I feel like overall that brings it to about a 5.5. Mainly, I don't like the black and white theme you have going on. It makes the page kind of dull and uninteresting to look at. I would find a picture of a gold Rolex with tons of dials and hands in order to break up the black and white motif.
Secondly, the pictures themselves are fairly uninteresting. I like the caption that goes with the "whirligig" but the picture itself is a little bit lifeless. Perhaps there's a better picture out there for a crazy wall-clock. You improved on the uninteresting part with that third image, even if it is black and white.
Personally, I would think about adding another image, or perhaps replacing one. The subject of this picture could be about the early history or development. I feel like it should feature a place or people or both instead of another clock or watch.
The captions on all of the images are very interesting though, you have knack for image captions.
|Miscellaneous:||9.5||My level of enjoyment reading this article, on a scale of 0 being not at all, 5 being average and 10 being jizz-in-my-pants. A very enjoyable read and an enjoyable article to review.|
|Final Score:||41.25||A very good article that just needs a little sprucing up before its ready for VFH. I'd be happy to nominate this for you whenever you feel like its done. Just let me know, and as always, any questions, concerns, gripes or whatever concerning this review, don't hesitate to shout at me from the street below.|
|Reviewer:||-- 14:37 EST 8 July, 2010|