Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Rock and Roll Hall of Fame
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This was one of the first pages I started and have kicked it around ever since without a review. If someone has the time, a check under the hood and a kicking of the tires would be appreciated. Thanks! Rock on! Aleister 18:09 6-3-'11
|Humour:||5||Your article is well written for the most part, but unfortunately, I found myself drifting from the article and having to force myself to continue on through the rest of some of the paragraphs. I'm not how to specifically improve that issue, I'm wondering if it isn't just me or that most of your sentences could be shortened down a bit because most of them take a little too long to get to the point. Like this sentence, "They ran and tripped and fell over themselves to get into this edifice dedicated to modern-day Gods and Goddesses-then and there likened to the steps to Heaven leading directly to the bowels of Hell itself." Maybe it could be shortened to something like, "They ran, tripped, fell, and maimed each other for just a glimpse of the memorial that led them to both Heaven and Hell, metaphorically speaking of course." I pretty much just feel like there are unnecessary words in some sentences and that many of the sentences could be re-worded to make the flow better and more accessible to the reader. Another example is this sentence, " It is so large that it can be seen from either inner- or outer-space by those who care to glance down." Right now, it is kind of a run-on sentence. Maybe change it to something like, "This monument of epic proportion can be seen by the inhabitants here on Earth, to the aliens on Gargon-8 in the Sombrero Galaxy (Yes, it's a real galaxy)" The main point I'm trying to make is that the wording of most of your sentences can be very time-consuming to read, especially for an uncyclopedia article where most people are looking for a quick laugh. I would suggest re-wording a lot of the sentences that take up more than one-and-a-half of a line and try not to use more words than you need too, like here, "a Jazz Trumpet solo performed by Louis Armstrong (in person when he was alive, on tape since his exploding cheek accident)." You don't need to mention to alive and accident part, just shorten it to be like, "a Jazz Trumpet solo by Louis Armstrong, which is now enjoyed via tape-recording due to Armstrong's spontaneously combusting cheek (which almost knocked B.B.King's eye out last time...)" This brings up another issue I noticed, where you fail to deliver a real punch line after an extensive description of something. That last example is one, and the section, "The Boy Who Was Lost For A Long Time," is another example. You use an entire paragraph to describe something that had the full potential to become something funny, but you just jump to a different topic after you described it, leaving the section without its finally real PUNCH. For example, you end it with this sentence, "Robin "Wren" Pech was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 2041." Why not turn it into something like this, "Robin "Wren" Pech was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in August of 2041. He was later found dead in his hotel room beneath a pile of hookers, on September of 2041." Or something like, it soudned funnier in my head, but I'm sure you get the idea.
I think your sentence, " At that point the assembled corpses were buried in Paul McCartney's rooftop pyramid, which already held the remains of twenty-five teen vegan virgins that McCartney had insisted on taking with him to the afterlife," is a good example of what I'm trying to tell you. You need to add that final punch to the end with something maybe ironic of a famous Rock and Roll Star, which should be easy to find as they are all pretty easy to make fun of.
Also, You say that Miley Cyrus is inducted into the Hall of Fame.......I'll leave that to ponder about.
I might also consider adding a little bit more to some sections. Maybe you could talk about famous ties in voting for the next inductee, like between Elvis and some other competitor, and then joke how it was solved after Elvis kindly faked his own death to let the other person win. You could also another part about how they're rooms that no one has ever been in and some are thought to contain the numerous parachute pants that M.C. Hammer donated to the Beastie Boys (although I'm not sure if either of those people would be in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame...) or that if you open the right one, you'll see Kurt Cobain smoking a joint while playing 'guitar hero' on his PS3. Just some suggestions to expand and grow on the humour of this article.
So aside from that, the main issue is with the flow of the article. If you can re-word some the sentences to make them more accessible and more interesting to read, that will really boost the humour of this article. I would also look to add jokes or punch lines to those sentences that lack one, otherwise the purpose of the sentence is ruined. That's about it for those main issues.
|Concept:||6.5||A good concept and although its not completely original, its still a pretty good concept for an article. I was actually surprised that this hasn't been written as a featured article yet, good thing you jumped on it first before someone else. However, I took off points for issues that are outlined mainly in the humour section (approach to writing article, other possibly additions to sections, etc.) So that's about it here.|
|Prose and formatting:||5.5||The main issue is the formatting flow of the sentences, which is outlined in the humour section. Another issue that I see is that of the closeness of those two videos you have. It's slightly distracting to have two animations side-by-side while trying to focus on stationary words, or maybe that's just me. Once again, I would get a second opinion on that because other people have different screens, maybe it doesn't bother them, etc. I'm just putting it out there for your consideration. Also, maybe you can put one or two of the pictures on the left side as well, it might look better? Just a suggestion, I'm not sure how that would turn out.
I didn't really notice any spelling errors, although there were scattered examples of grammar misuse, like here, "They ran and tripped and fell over." You don't need 'and' twice, just replace that first and with a comma, should create a better flow with the sentence. All in all, a good job with spelling and grammar, but I would re-read the article just in case, can never be too safe.
|Images:||6.2||You have some good pictures used there. I really enjoyed the image of the giant pot pipe and its caption. That being said, the main issue I have with your images is that the captions for the first picture and that "Selma-to-Montegomery" video, which may be too long to actually fit into a caption. If I were you, I would either find a way to shorten those captions, or switch some of them into the main article because it takes up a lot of space to simply be caption for one picture/video. The rest of the captions; the one for the skull and cello, are appropriate, albeit they're aren't incredibly funny. This isn't a serious issue as the article doesn't seem too negatively affected by this, so only change it if you feel it absolutely necessary.|
|Miscellaneous:||5.8||Yea, just my gut feeling right now.|
|Final Score:||29||So that's about it, sorry if I came off to critical or anything, that's just how I felt about the article. I hope I was able to help out though. If you have any comments or questions, just jump over to my page and leave a message. Look forward to seeing the article when it's done, good luck mate.|
|Reviewer:||--Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა) 23:30, March 8, 2011 (UTC)|