Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Reverend Jeremiah Wright
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I have extensively vandalised this article. I will do more if encouraged.
Marsviii 22:12, 8 June 2008 (UTC)
|Humour:||5||While it wasn’t excellent it did have some good points. For example " Wright has one volume setting: LOUD MAD NEGRO! " made me laugh and you set it up nicely.
But you had ideas such as him being the secret father of Obama and Oprah Winfrey which seemed poorly thought out are kinda cliché. To remedy this I suggest you cut out that bit and either not mention his parents or say his parents were your average white middle class Americans. Then you can say that although his mother wasn’t an adulteress his father still walked out as he refused to believe that. Then you can have him coming from a confused broken home sorta thing. Just throwing and idea out there you can probably come up with better. You can still have him running for vice president under Obama, and them trying to have a black supremacy, as that’s vaguely plausible and exactly what republicans fear.
Though I’ve said ideas such as Oprah are a bit cleche I think you made it work reasonably well in the “Rev. Wright's Church History” section. I think you could do more with this section for example re name it “
The culture section was a little listy. You need to turn this into some prose, try stringing his quotes together by saying where they came from or having it be part of an interview. Also Chuck Norris never invented racism, he had no reason to be in this article indeed he has no place in many articles and is rarely funny he is unequivocally a cliché and absolutely unnecessary here. Also you’ll need to tidy up the Obama reference if you take the above advice.
Did you know that lists are discouraged in main-space Uncyclopedia articles? seriously I’m not sure of this section is really necessary try and work some of those jokes into the main article. Do avoid trite references like Hitler and Hillary though. You do have some good lines in the list it’s just lists are ugly and come across as a little lazy.
Also the idea of bill Clinton and Write having an affair isn’t particularly funny.
|Concept:||6||I’m not too sure of its originality but the idea of an against-white racist priest is certainly amusing. I do think there is more you could do with it though as I say above. And in future you need to watch you don't fall into the trap of using in-jokey randomness.|
|Prose and formatting:||6||Quotes are rarely funny and I can’t say I’m a fan of them in general but the second one of yours is actually quite funny (as I mention above it’s an idea you could expand into).
You need to work on the opening bit as it seemed a bit garbled. Try sentencing as lots and lots of commas for long sprawling sentences can get confusing. Also remember spaces after a comma. Try something like this for your opening:
"Rev. Wright is a minister in Trinity United Church of Christ and a disciple of martyred black leader, Liberace. Liberace is the founder of Black Liberace Theology, who taught Wright to be descriptive, not divisive. He also taught him how to light candles and that the music of the great black composer Chopin should be accented on 2 and 4. "
Also as I mentioned in humour lists are discouraged. Other than that and the need for expansion in some areas your formatting was fine.
|Images:||7||They were pretty good, relevant and made funny(ish) by the captions. Though I did really like the “I see white people” one. Maybe you could try photo shopping some KKK image so they’re all in black hoods and say that it’s a sub sect of Wrights church.|
|Miscellaneous:||6.25||(averaged score of other fields) I certainly think this article has potential maybe not FA material but certainly a good first article.|
|Final Score:||30.25||Do read through HTBFANJS (I’m not insulting you that’s just what it’s called) to help when writing articles.
If you’d like to thank/ask/insult me about anything please visit my talk page and harass me there. Oh and sorry, this took me longer than it should have.
|Reviewer:||MuCal. 12:38 13 June 2008|