This is really just the skeleton of what I wanted to do with this article. It's only "complete" now because I've hit a very nasty and large writer's block. A bit of targeted advice would really help. Also, please note that the inconsistent style is intentional, in case it's not obvious; the idea is that the whole thing is a sales pitch for radium products by a doubting salesman, which starts very informal and fact-like, then gradually becomes more and more of an advertisement as the salesman realizes how horribly deadly his products are and becomes desperate to save his stock, right up until the doctor's diagnosis. It's also supposed to be dated right before radium was banned for use in merchandise to the general public, if that isn't obvious either. SirNotA Good Username360KUN 01:01, October 3, 2010 (UTC)
As self-proclaimed expert on all things radioactive, here ya go: ◄► Tephra ◄►
Well, it is a very insightful review, and not at all unhelpful, however, I don't think you quite caught the concept of the salesman being forced to peddle a product he slowly realizes is extremely deadly, and also that he himself has used these products, and, as he realizes that he is a frequent user of a deadly substance, panics about it while still trying to sell the product that is killing him, until he finds out for sure that he's a dead man, at which point he abruptly stops his speech and simply leaves the sales pitch dead in the water. The beginning drags for this reason (to show that normally the salesman is very professional, giving "facts" about the product). Nevertheless, thanks for the review, and I'll definitely take your suggestions to heart. Thank you. SirNotA Good Username360KUN 21:14, October 27, 2010 (UTC)
No, I got that, as you had written that above before I started peeing. The point I was trying to make was that someone other than me that doesn't read that, won't know your intentions and will be scared off by the slow introduction before they reach the funny parts. Perhaps you could add something at the beginning like:
Dr. Pierre's Radium Emporium, radium and radium products for a healthy tomorrow. Beneficial to all ages. ~Dr. Pierre
that way people will have a better understanding of what style this is being written in and will perhaps keep reading beyond the slow part. As for the abrupt ending, I understand your goal, which is why I suggested something like a See also section that isn't from the first-person perspective, but gives a "cool down" after the main article ends so you aren't left thinking, huh? Still, if you are adamant with your current ending, then you should keep it the way you think it needs to be. ◄► Tephra ◄► 02:11, October 28, 2010 (UTC)
The beginning tends to drag and may be off-putting enough to cause a loss of interest to a random article browser, however, it does become better by the middle and some of the products are amusing. The heightened humo(u)r lasts until almost the end which could use a better final punch line.
The concept of a salesperson is good and executed fairly well, although his assurance over the safety of radium should either be more subtle in that he truly believes himself in spite of fact, or more obvious that he is outright lying to your face. As is, this kind of falls in the middle where you aren't sure what he believes and is a little unconvincing as such.
Prose and formatting:
The structure flows well mostly, a couple more commas in certain areas would help though. Last I checked, "couldn'tve" isn't a word, but that could've been intentional, I suppose...
The two images that are present are very relevant and not unfunny, however they are also a little dull looking. One more picture (no need to be large), with a contrasting hue that isn't black, brown, or a dark shade would greatly improve the overall spectral balance.
A couple more words could use links like cancer and maybe some of the listed radium products and a "See also" section wouldn't hurt as long as it had some funny and relevant links.
Overall, it isn't a bad article, however, it does have potential to be even better. The beginning and very end specifically are a little slow and the final joke seems to end the thing rather abruptly (which is why another section that is not content-heavy may help).