Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/R. Lee Ermey
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|Humour:||5||Some good bits, some bits with the potential to be really good, some poor bits, and some that need to go. That adds up to average, soldier, and this article needs to be more than average! This article needs to be a goddamn Marine!|
|Concept:||6||The concept is pretty good - larger than life caricatures like Ermey are ripe for an article, if approached right. You've established a bit of a clearer direction since the last review, but you need to focus it a little more. See comments.|
|Prose and formatting:||7||OK, spelling and grammar has improved, but readability still suffers. Break up the longer paragraphs, which makes them easier to read, and makes the article look less daunting.|
|Miscellaneous:||6||I really like bits of this article, but other bits I don't. I really want to see this shape up and become born-again hard.|
|Final Score:||30||OK, see my comments below - prune ruthlessly, edit for readability, restructure a bit, give your good parts more room to breathe, and get your bad parts the hell out of my corps.|
|Reviewer:||--Sir Under User (Hi, How Are You?) VFH KUN 11:25, 19 October 2007 (UTC)|
OK, first up, let's talk formatting and readability.
- Break up the longer paragraphs. Large, dense blocks of text are off-putting and easy to lose good lines in.
- Have a short intro - a couple of lines - and put most of the preamble you have into a "Childhood" section at the start - more encyclopedia, and makes the article more approachable. I can see this has been added and lost in a flurry of edits, but feel the article works best with a one or two line intro, then a biography style.
- Spread your pics more evenly over the article. They're all concentrated at the top at the moment, and the bottom half is image free. A roughly even spacing helps.
Now let's look at the article.
Bits I like:
- Computer support - like the concept more than the execution. Think about having him give out advice instead of using slogans. "Have you tried switching your computer off, dropping and giving me fifty, then turning it back on again, you filthy maggot?" - that sort of thing. Also, keep it consistent, the third line is a line about what he did, not a slogan he used.
- The dying mother bit. OK, OEJ gave you the idea, and you ran with it a bit. Run some more - did his insistence on the exercise finish her off or make her born-again hard? If she died, how did he conduct himself at the funeral?
- Showbiz career - again, I like the concept. This could be fleshed out quite a bit. For instance, play with repetition by discussing his movies and roles, either real or fictional, with reference to his astonishing acting range. "Movie 1 - played a foul-mouthed offensive drill sergeant; Movie 2 - played a foul-mouthed offensive drill sergeant; Movie 3 - played a foul-mouthed offensive Lieutenant, in an attempt to escape typecasting; Movie 4 - daringly cast against type as a foul-mouthed offensive drill sergeant with a bald head" etc etc.
- Interviews with movie stars about his acting ability - maybe do more of these. And again, maybe concentrate on his astonishing range - De Niro being impressed with his dedication to staying in character? Hoffman impressed with the variety in his roles? "He went from a hardass sergeant calling someone a pussy-ass faggot to a hardass sergeant calling someone a goddamn piss stain on the floor - such diversity!"
- The quotes section isn't too bad either.
Bits I'm not so taken with:
- The Private Pyle incident. OK, Full Metal Jacket is an excellent movie, but reproducing a section from it doesn't help here. I don't think it helps the article any. And the being tougher than death bit really doesn't work, for me.
- The lack of progression - link your sections. Explain how he goes from one to another, otherwise it comes over as disjointed and random. How did he end up doing IT support? How did he go into movies? Also, why are USMC and Military Career separate sections? They're both about his military career, right?
- The grocery store bit. It feels kinda random.
- The lack of any real progression - read OEJ's comments again - I love the idea of the article escalating throughout, starting kinda logical and ending up getting more and more ludicrous. Maybe ending up yelling at himself because there's no-one left to yell at or something.
Basically, a lot of OEJ's comments still stand. The article needs more structure, and more of a logical progression. Now at least some of that is due to IP edits, but some of it it just that more work is needed. Done properly, this could well end up a very popular article. Format it for readability, structure it more logically, be ruthless pruning the bits that don't work, and put more into the bits that do.
I like bits of this article. I really want to like all of it!