Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Proxima Centauri and the aliens of Porrila

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edit Proxima Centauri and the aliens of Porrila

I'm putting this up for a new user who hasn't quite caught on to the system yet. Help him out please. -OptyC Sucks! Icons-flag-us CUN18:49, 25 Apr

I've rewritten the article. Please review it again. Proxima Centauri 15:20, 18 May 2008 (UTC)

Proxima Centauri and the aliens of Porrila
is being reviewed by
CajekHi!
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Humour: 5.2 avg of each section. Don't worry if I'm hard on your article, Proxima! You'll get the hang of article writing eventually.
  • Intro -6- The introduction is pretty short and random. For an article like this, which is basically a story you're telling us, you will need to give us a long intro to give us breathing room. Otherwise, we may just be like "oh this is too random, it hurts my eyes." NOTE: say that it's 4 light years from "that one Earth planet" or something instead of "the solar system".
  • 1 Earth -4- I didn't quite understand what you were saying here. It slips between being an article about Proxima to being about time machines all in two sentences. I would stick to just talking about how they feel about Earth, without mentioning anything else. In other words, stick close to your storyline without adding too many new elements. This section needs to be moved or deleted, mostly because this article has nothing to do with Earth per se.
  • 2 Mud -5- Well, here we are, talking about mud. I felt like this section is more about a set-up to a joke than a joke in itself. I hope the payoff is bigger down the road. Mostly, the problem here is that this is the first time you're talking about mud to us (except for the section on Earth, but that was a "dum" section anyway). I feel like this section should be part of the intro, because I still don't know why you're talking about mud. Is it because the planet is mud?
  • 3 Ways to address Centaurians without offending them -7- Well this is slightly better. Not exactly ha-ha funny, but very interesting. Why are you talking about humans in here? We don't know jack about homeless Centaurians! I would leave Earth out of the discussion completely. Don't bow to the sci-fi pressures that every alien has to invade Earth. Nobody cares about Earth or humans, this is Proxima Centauri! Be proud of your article!
  • 4 More on alien plans for Earth -4- Grooooan C'mon, I don't give a rat's ass about Earth. If I wanted to know about Earth, I'd write/read an article about it. This is Proxima Centauri, not... that other planet! If you're going to have a section on Earth invasion, you'd better parody the hell out of it. "Jealous of Earth's mud supply, the Centaurians are planning to invade sometime in the next four fiscal years. Sadly they have not, as yet, collected enough mud for the construction of their interstellar mud-based space-mud-ships."
Concept: 6 This article is written as though a person from Earth was investigating this planet for a blurb in The USA Today. I think you should go way more in-depth on the mud angle (but be sure not to be boring about it). Get rid of all references to Earth, if you would. We only need to talk about Earth when we say how far away Proxima is from it. The reason I'm not giving you a 7 has to do with the fact that this article is really too short. Is that all there is, mud? You need to expand on the good parts in this article, and rewrite the rest. I think you can see by my scores which need to be rewritten.
Prose and formatting: 6 Some grammar errors in there, mostly in the intro and in section 4.
Images: 5 You don't even have a picture of the planet: just two mud pits. Gimme some space!
Miscellaneous: 5.6 avg'd via {{Pee|5.2|6|6|5}}
Final Score: 27.8 Not an outstanding article, but that's the story on 90% of first articles. Don't be discouraged! Writing is a craft that has to be practiced, especially funny writing. This article's future is unclear, but maybe if you just sat and thought about how to add to it, or did some brainstorming on the talk page, it could flourish. Call me if you need help!
Reviewer:   Le Cejak <May 20, 2008 [15:55]>
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