Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Progressive Metal
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This article is a serious article and a funny article. So stop deleting this page and give this article a chance. 184.108.40.206 00:04, October 6, 2010 (UTC)
|Humour:||3||I'm not going to lie to you, this article's in a bad way, no wonder it keeps getting deleted. I'm going to try my best to help you get this article into much better shape, but I'm not sure there's a whole lot you can do. Still, let's not give up just yet, here's your review.
The "whoops" joke doesn't work. This is a bit of a cliché that new users seem to think is great. While the more seasoned users tend not to be fond of them in general, they can be funny if used right. The problem, however, is that a lot of the time they're not even employed in a funny way. Yours for instance makes no sense. Why would we have been looking for testicles? What in the hell would make a reader confuse testicles with prog metal? I would get rid of this altogether.
The article also suffers from not being very in-depth on the subject, but I will talk about that more in concept. In the intro, for example, you're talking about the elements of prog metal, and you say they put "boatloads of crap" in there. Be more specific. Is there anything funny that they put in there? Don't just skim through like this, go into detail and explain exactly what you're talking about.
You also have to pay more attention to what you're saying. A lot of the stuff you say just doesn't really make any sense. You say, for instance, the "ten minute intros are optional", what do you mean here? Surely it's all optional, since there's no literal rules. Do you mean they're not so common? Then don't mention them in the intro in that case (if they are common, then by all means talk about them, but don't dismiss them like this).
I actually liked the joke about how there are only about five bands who work in the genre, and I think this might be a good running gag - that it's quite an obscure genre. I would get rid of the "pretty much" bit though, it jars with the "basically" bit. You don't need both quantifiers.
Generally, your humour is way too random and falls into all the traps that many new users succumb to. For instance, it's full of pointless name-dropping, fat jokes and random humour. There isn't really anything about progressive metal in there, instead you focus on jokes about Whitney Houston's crack habit and other such nonsense. I don't know if you've read How to be funny and not just stupid, but apart from being an invaluable guide to writing for the site, it also advises that the truth is often much funnier than random silliness. So instead of making stuff up, try to find humour in what really happened. Not being an expert I don't think I can help you too much there, but definitely read that guide. Remember not to include people who really have nothing to do with this; like Spongebob and Whitney Houston.
As for the list of "movements", or as I think you put it; "long parts", of a prog metal song. I found this very confusing and very unfunny. How can "your mother" and jokes about penises be parts of a song? Like much of this article, it makes no sense. It's like half way through you forget it's supposed to be a list of movements and through carelessness it becomes a list of song titles, or at least that's my guess.
Yet another thing that doesn't make a shred of sense is your Diseases for listening to prog metal section. First of all, what the hell does that title even mean? Diseases for listening to prog metal? I think you might mean; "diseases you get from listening to prog metal", though I'm not 100% on that. What makes it even more nonsensical is that the "symptoms" you list aren't even diseases. I'm sorry but I just don't think there's anything workable in this whole section, it's too convoluted and absurd. Just get rid of it.
Another little issue I had was with how overly negative you are about prog metal. It's just a bit easy, you know? Anyone can start an article on something and then just basically go on about how shit that thing is. It's not really funny. You need information on why it's shit, you can't just rely on jokes that the people responsible for it are "total geeks" or homosexuals.
Ok, now for the tabs you've put in there. Actually, it wasn't a bad idea. It certainly raised a smirk or two when I was looking at it. I think you still go overboard with the madness though, so perhaps try to tone it down a little (get rid of styles like "go apeshit"). The problem is, it's a bit long. It's the longest part of your article. I wouldn't recommend you have more than one or two "blocks" of tablature, if you know what I mean there. Also, the choice of song title is a little silly, you might be better off giving a real example (or funny satirical version) of a real prog metal song.
Finally, your last section; Any questions? In this you basically make a plea to the users of Uncyclopedia not to delete the article. I'm not sure if this is meant to be a joke, but if it is, it's not funny. It's been done dozens of times, and even then it wasn't particularly amusing. It doesn't fit with the style of the rest of the article (say if it was an article about an article being deleted, it would fit, for instance). If you're being serious here, then all I really have to say is; the best way to stop an article getting deleted is to make it good. You can't complain that "it's the only genre of metal that no one has made before". So what? This isn't an actual encyclopaedia, we have no obligation to have an article on everything. We only need to keep the funny ones. If you don't have a good idea for an article, don't create it in the first place. Don't just write it because you think there should be one.
|Concept:||2||Ok, concept... to be honest you don't technically have one. The only angle you really have is that prog metal songs are usually long and boring, which isn't exactly a revelation. You don't even stick to it all the way through. The majority of the article relies on random humour. The biggest problem here is that you don't really even deal with prog metal, you deal with everything but. Sure, you make jokes at the expense of prog musicians, but you don't satirise them or their style of music, just make lame and easy jokes about them being raped in prison and being homosexual geeks. I didn't really learn anything about prog metal either, and while that's not a vital requirement for a comedy article it's always something to think about. I would definitely have a look through our Best Of to see how those articles take a unique angle and stick with it consistently all the way through. Especially try to check out the music-based featured articles; X Japan and Yes (band) spring to mind. Take a look at how they satirise musical genres, by examining their absurdities and exposing how seriously the bands take themselves, despite how absurd they are. From a conceptual point of view, I would probably recommend you start all over again with this article. There's just nothing here that really works I'm afraid.|
|Prose and formatting:||3||Your prose is rather messy, take a look at this sentence in the intro, for example: " Progressive Metal is a form of rock music that combines classical, jazz, and other boatloads of crap and combine it with Heavy Metal". You're obviously not taking much care with your writing here. Notice how it actually doesn't make any sense when you examine it closely? If you can't see what's wrong here, I'll just point out you say "combine" twice. Now do you see the problem? Take your time when writing and editing, pay close attention to what you're doing and try to look for other mistakes like this. Try reading it aloud, that always helps when it comes to sorting out the flow.
Your tone is also a bit all over the place. You have a strange habit of suddenly addressing the reader, like where you say: "Weird right?" and "I'm going to show you reader". This jars with the rest of the text. Either stick to the encyclopaedic tone or the more personal approach - don't try to blend the two.
You also need to give it a thorough proofread, as I noticed many spelling and grammar errors. Enlist the assistance of the proofreading service if it's not a skill you possess. I find pasting it into a spellchecker also helps.
|Images:||1||You definitely need some new images. None of the ones you have are particularly good. The best is probably the Man of War one, because at least it illustrates the sort of thing you're talking about, but then it's not really humorous is it? The only reaction the Rush one got from me was "what the hell?" I'll be honest, I'm not sure what it's supposed to be, and it's a really bad photoshopping job too. Also, why the hell have you used the same image twice? Finally, the head exploding one is a much hated, overused image that crops up in virtually every noob article. Please get rid of it, it has absolutely nothing to do with prog metal, and it stopped being funny a long time ago.|
|Miscellaneous:||2||My gut feeling.|
|Final Score:||11||Right, so there you go. I'm sorry if you think I've been harsh here, but it's just my opinion at the end of the day. The thing is, most of the other users on this site will probably be inclined to agree with me on this one; there really isn't anything in here that will stop it from being deleted again. So please heed my advice and see what you can do before that happens, even if it is a case of starting all over again. Read HTBFANJS and our Best Of very carefully for ideas on what passes for humour around here. If there's anything I've said here that you want me to explain better, or if you want my opinion on anything I might have missed, please let me know and I'll try to help. I hope the review is ok.|
|Reviewer:||--Black Flamingo 14:39, November 7, 2010 (UTC)|