Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Principality of Sealand
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ICameHereInACloche 18:51, July 29, 2011 (UTC)
- They'll be a nation someday. Give me max two days to review this one. --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა) 12:22, July 30, 2011 (UTC)
- You should add the infobox for countries and expand more on metainfo like "See also" and "External links" InMooseWeTrust 23:54, July 30, 2011 (UTC)
|Humour:||6||Let's begin, first, I'd like to say you did a fairly good job with the article. You've combined actual facts about Sealand with ironic humour. Well done. However, there are still some points I would like to make.
1. You should probably put all those comments you have in parenthesis, into footnotes at the bottom. Usually I don't like footnotes, but this little comments seem as though they'd be more funny if the reader had to go down and read them, instead of now where they are sort of drifting from the relevance of the sentence.
2. Some of your sentences are unnecessarily repetitive. Such as, "This land of hope and glory® conveniently occupies the space of an abandoned sea fort, standing above the English channel, and is ruled by the honorable Bates family: Prince Roy and Prince Regent Michael Bates lord over the mighty nation, shielding it from dangers foreign and internal alike."
Why not simplify it to be something more along the lines of, "This land of hope and glory® conveniently occupies the space of an abandoned sea fort, standing above the English channel. It's dominion is ruled by the honorable Bates family: Prince Roy and Prince Regent Michael Bates, former pirate radio broadcasters turned imperialist aspiring country leaders." This is mainly because you mention it being ruled, say the name of the rulers, and then say it's been a ruled again after that. It's a bit redundant. Here also, "It isn't proven that the Principality of Sealand didn't originate from the very nethers of Venus herself, so we have to presume that this is so, although most "historians" think differently." You are being redundant again with 'it isn't proven, it is correct, but is still isn't proven' kind of thing. In my opinion, that part about the historians is unnecessary, just stop at the comma.
3. The greatness of your article is perpetually ruined by bit of randomness. As I cannot really suggest a better alternative than to delete them, or find a better alternative to substitute them with, I shall list the out for you and let you decide what you wish to do with them.
"It is in fact well known that Sealand was the true homeland of its now prince Paddy Roy Bates, and that the moon landing was a hoax to discredit lunar phases." Moon landing? Where did that come from? Are you trying to make up conspiracy theories to relate to the article? I can't really say what would fit better there, but the moonlanding bit was random and unnecessary for me.
"A madman proclaiming himself the leader of a fort he has no jurisdiction of? How derivative." Simply an unnecessary side comment. I would delete it.
"To this day, the vile invaders still wait patiently for the day when Roy Bates dies, running their government-in-exile underneath the basement of a baby eating factory. They do that sort of thing, mind you." Baby eating factory? I would have something more along the lines of sausage factory would have made more sense, but baby eating? That was just pure random. I'd either delete it or fit something more relevant like a sausage factory or pretzel factory since you're talking about Germans...
"Benefiting from the lack of dirty foreigners poisoning the mother land with their tentacles (that's what foreigners have, right?)" Ehhh, that comment in the parenthesis really undercuts this sentence. You're pretty much contradicting yourself there, but maybe if you put it as a footnote? I'm not sure, if the footnote doesn't work, I'd just delete it make it something more relevant like, "dirty foreigners poisoning the mother land with their 'cultural heritage' and willingness to work for lower pay. The two inhabitants of Sealand are already having a enough time trying to keep busy on that small rig, don't need foreigners trying to take the only two jobs available (insert funny job types here)"
"Claims that the Principality of Sealand is a fascist state are unsubstantiated and will be met with severe punishment from the police force." What police force? Maybe joke about how it's the two princes or their dog or something. Go in-depth on this.
"In fact, some people say that the Principality is a micronation run by a raving lunatic, and the only reason that everyone involved in the enterprise hasn't been arrested is due to the fort's location in international waters, but these claims are absolutely silly, and will be promptly ignored." You could definitely have written this in a better manner with better flow. How? I'm not sure, I can't do ALL the work for you. Sheesh.
"One wonders why the royal subjects always die so much." I didn't understand this. Clarify.
So the main humour I'm seeing is that you are constantly presenting the negative ideas of Sealand and then immediately stating or are in someway stating that those ideas are not to be trusted. Aside from that you have a couple of jokes here and there, so it isn't all bad. Plus, the article seems to be of pretty good size and such, so good job. If you do want to write about something more, may I suggest writing about those two other unrecognized micro-nations (one is in Australia I believe, I don't remember the other one) or maybe even other regions that aren't recognized like Catalonia or something like that. Also, maybe talk about how the royal family had to stop giving out passports cause there were too many or something like that. It's on the wikipedia article of it. Your could also talk about the tours or something for tourists to visit and make it really short since there isn't much to see and that should add to the humour? Maybe.
Aside from all this, good job on the article. Work on the randomness and fix it up a bit here and there, and you have yourself an article worth nominating. Also, considering adding maybe another section or two, since this is an article about a territory. Just some ideas, hope I could help you out! Cheers.
|Concept:||7.5||I'm surprised that this concept hasn't been written about yet. However, I'm glad that you did write about it and you did it in a pretty good way too. However, there are still problems with the article and most of lies in the humour and execution of it. Most of everything is in the humour section, so check it out there.
One suggestion I did have for you is that if you end up putting this on VFH and is doesn't pull through (I doubt that though), you could maybe re-write the article in the narration of the guy in charge of Sealand. That way, you could be a little more silly and random than you are now and narration of these types of things are usually pretty funny. At least I think so.
|Prose and formatting:||8||I don't believe I saw that may problems with grammar or sentences or spelling or anything really for that matter. I did notice a little problem, but I fixed it for you. Yea, you're welcome.|
|Images:||7||S0 most of your images are pretty good. The only one I have a problem with is that one of Sealand's constitution, as the picture is too small to read the font and it look more like a fancy envelope for a wedding party right now. A more clear image of it should do and really help out the clarity.
A couple of images suggestion if they fancy you, would be to have a picture of the royal family in normal clothes and comment how they look extravagent or something that will make fun of their appearance.
Another plan would be to have a military map of Germany's invasion plan and have an arrow pointing to Sealand or something during WWII and talk about how Sealnd was the one who defended England and saves the world from nazi imperialism, or something like that.
That's about it, you have a good number of images as it is already, so you're good in this department, aside from that one suggestion I gave you.
|Miscellaneous:||6.5||Cash moves everything around me, cream, get the money; Dolla' dolla' bills yallll.|
|Final Score:||35||Want to leave a message to Oliphaunte/meet Russian girls? Go over to the talkpage and leave a message on my...um...talkpage. Russian women not included, but we can still have fun by ourselves, right?|
|Reviewer:||--Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა) 06:32, August 2, 2011 (UTC)|