Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Pretty Little Liars
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Hi guys! OMG This is my favorite show and the best show evar and I just wanted to talk about it on your cute little website! Isn't it the cutest little thing? So I wrote a thing about it! Eeeeee! Please give me a good review like 10 Golden Stars and A++++ and stuff!!! I love you all guys!
My first submission in a while, let me know what you think.
- Little bit confused about what you're asking for, but okay. Figure this one has been waiting for awhile.--Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა) 16:49, January 11, 2011 (UTC)
Romy 21:48, January 7, 2011 (UTC)
|Humour:||5||First off, good start for not having written in a while. Your intentions for humor in this article are well placed and I liked it for the most part. You have a good method for introducing a real part of the plot and then surprising the reader with a pretty good joke, like the one about Brett Favre. Cudos on that one. However, it is time for the critiques. Let's start from the beginning, shall we?
The quotes are pretty good, although I'm not sure why you chose George Bush for the first one. Seems out of place there since their is no real connection to him and this article. Maybe Oscar Wilde would fit better there?
Now for the introduction. Pretty good here, although I would change the Sherlock-Holmes part, because it's contradicting to have a modern-day Sherlock Holmes style storyline. Maybe a murder series more recent and suitable for this show, but that's completely your choice. I'd give you some suggestions, but I'm not too familiar with any mystery shows, sorry. Expand on the part about the girls being the ones you went to with high school, it definitely feels like you could make this part more funny, perhaps by posing your high-school memories of those girls in a negative light.
For the History and Series, your introduction of Albert Einstein was, well, random to say the least. After reading that section a couple of time, I kind of got the joke you were making, but it's placement seems just to random. you need to work that in there, not just bring up Einstein when the reader doesn't expect it at all and won't get the joke initially. For the Series part, the first paragraph is alright, but the second seems to take a weird turn, probably because I'm not familiar with the show. Probably. However, after some research, I get that you're making fun of the girls because most of them have names that start with 'A', I think...Anyways, you'll want to work that in here as well. I'm guessing that most readers won't be familiar with the show and will think you just named them all 'A' just because you felt like it and not because you are making fun of the name choices for the characters. Just introduce their names, Allison, Aria, etc. and THEN say they'll be referred by the initial of their first name to make things easier. Then it'll make sense and the coincidence will be funny.
For the plot, you might want to change the Mike Tyson part from even Mike Tyson could have written it, to even Mike Tyson could have followed it. Makes more sense if he's trying to understand the plot as well, why would it make sense for him to have written it? The other issue is just the clarification on all the A's. Just fix that beforehand and the jokes should flow better. Also, the Brett Favre comment, although funny, needs to be worked in better somehow. You shifted from talking about the story to reality. Instead, make it seem like a rumour within the show or fan sites about the show that hasn't been disproved yet, or something like that. Just find a way to work it into the rest of the paragraph, otherwise it's standing out there by itself.
For the last part, just fix the 'A' issue and you should be okay. The only thing I'm wondering is if people won't understand this because they don't watch the show, but there's nothing really you can do about that.
|Concept:||5||Purely because this is probably a little known topic and is only going to be understand by a small group of people. I understand your intentions, but only people who are familar with the show will fully understand your jokes. The only reason I got some of the jokes was because I'm a little familiar with the show and because I have Google. Work it around a bit and see if you can expand the paragraphs to explain the storyline a bit more in depth. People should be able to understand the show a little bit better and find it more funny.|
|Prose and formatting:||6.5||Pretty good in this section, but the format could use a little work, mainly because some sections feel as though they should be expanded and are too short to be considered separate paragraphs. I like to follow the rule that a paragraph must be a minimum of 3 sentences, but that's just me. Work with the article a bit before focusing on this, and then look into making the flow of the article a little bit cleaner and without so many sub-titles with short paragraphs.|
|Images:||4||Well, you really only have one and I'm not too sure why you picked it. Seems out of place because you could just use the actual picture of the Pretty Little Liars and then make a funny caption about it. Also, include one or two more pictures, maybe one with all the girls in a scene and then a caption using the 'A' joke, like "in disbelief A stares at A who doesn't know who A is and is afraid A will get her and A before A can save them, etc, etc."|
|Miscellaneous:||5||My feeling about this article for now. Work on it, expand it, get feedback and this article should at least get nominated for an award, I think. It definitely has potential, just needs some more work, that's all.|
|Final Score:||25.5||Once again, good job for your first article in a while. look towards fixing the issues I've outlined and your article should make it to the big-times, hopefully. Just remember that not everyone watches this show, so you should make some general connections that an everyday person can understand. Explain the story a little bit better, expand the sections and jokes, insert some better pictures and it should come out better. Look forward to seeing what you can do with this. Any questions or comments, just leave a message. Good luck to you|
|Reviewer:||Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა) 16:49, January 11, 2011 (UTC)|