Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Preggobear

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edit Preggobear

I had another review on the subject @ Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:Mnbvcxz/Preggobear for reference. That review was helpful, but I want a 2nd opinion on it, since I did add a good bit of material. Also, I'd prefer if someone other than 1st reviewer did this review.

Mn-z 03:25, March 11, 2011 (UTC)

I'll getcha. Jackofspades (talk) 03:42, March 11, 2011 (UTC)
Humour: 7 This article is just pregnant with potential. Ah-ha, I'm so witty.

Intro

Good intro to the article. However, I'd like to hear a little more about Preggobear himself in this section as you say he's sexually attracted to pregnant women, but not much less. You mainly compare Preggobear to other bears that are in the memedias right now rather than telling the reader more about preggobear. The jokes are good for a laugh, as the pregobear thing is funny and unexpected. This section could do with a little more expanding though.

Early life

The first part doesn't really contain many jokes, but that's ok as the concept makes up for that. The second part of the section is good as the jokes you include are good ones including the "disgusting pervert" and "no legal system" which advance the story as well as provide humor. The part about the fetus hanging itself with the umbilical cord isn't very funny, it's more sad. If you've ever spent any time on Cracked's forum for writers (as I did for about a month) you'll know that they don't usually deal with death as it depresses people much more often than makes them laugh. I would replace this joke with something more along the lines of "...and grew up to become a popular if depressing internet sensation.

Life as Preggobear

In the first part, much like the first part of most of these sections, derives its comedy from the concept rather than straight-up jokes. This is a little risky as your concept isn't completely original, but it is pretty good. If you can think up more jokes to add to the first part of the section then add them, but if you don't think it needs it you could just leave it as is. The second part has some good jokes in it, however the final line about the homosexual being offended, doesn't really make sense as is. I wasn't sure if he had sex with male babies, or if he was just crazy as calling Preggobear a homosexual because he has sex with male babies doesn't reflect poorly on homosexuals.

Avoiding Preggobear

This section is pretty good. There are a couple things that I think you should change or add. In the first part, you could add another bullet for males. For males the way to avoid preggobear would be to avoid being born, and I think that has some humor potential if you want to go that direction. In the second paragraph you say that playing dead won't protect you from the emotional damage, but earlier you already said there is minimal emotional damage. You also say that 99.94% are pregnant women or fetuses. I think this should either be taken out or have another line added along the lines of "The other .06% are pregnant fetuses." The third paragraph references Falcon punching which sounds more like a caption to a picture rather than the intro to a paragraph. If you want to keep this line I would recommend adding an image of falcon punching someone, but changing the theme of the paragraph to something else like coathangers.

Concept: 6.5 I like this concept, it's pretty original and has a lot of potential for humor. Your use of puns and the idea of him being an actual bear that doesn't have to follow the laws of us humans. Right now there's a few things that you could iron out. In one of the pictures you have him "raping" a pregnant woman, and that got me thinking that you never say if he rapes the babies through the stomach of the woman or through the...normal means. If you could throw in just one sentence about the specifics of how that happens that would keep the picture from being confusing. You also mention in the intro that Preggobear is a living teddy bear, but never really reference that later in the article. It just seems to be there to justify the one image you have where he is a teddy bear. Perhaps having some other references to this fact would make this article a little more tied-together.
Prose and formatting: 7 The format of this article is pretty good although there is one part I'd like to address. In the last section, two of your bullets have parts that are in all caps. I find it's more of an eye catcher to Just Use Capitals At The Beginning Of Every Word. When you use all caps it just tends to make people think that you're shouting rather than you're very serious.

The prose is a little choppy as there are a couple places where you have missing words. These places can be easily fixed with another read through, but I will point out a couple of places where this happens.

  • Eventually, could not longer contain his deviant sexual urges
  • "...himself to dead on his own umbilical cord"
  • ...on their own umbilical cord. And those that survive are generally... - This should be one sentence.

There are other cases that I didn't find while skimming the article. I prescribe another read through to smooth out the prose in this article.

One sentence that sounds a little strange is the one that opens the "Life as Preggobear." This section begins "After renaming himself Preggobear, he devoted his life to his unnatural lusts..." The pronoun "he" in that sentence doesn't really seem to fit as that's the 2nd pronoun you used out of 3 in that sentence. I think that "he" should be replaced with "Milton." Also "i.e." needs periods after each letter.

Images: 8.5 I can't really say anything bad about these photos as they are relevant to the article and are well sized. The captions, for the most part, are funny, but there are a couple things that bother me about these pics. The first thing is that in the first pic there is pedobear in the woods, which makes it seem like preggobear looks like pedobear, but that clearly isn't the case. The second part that bothers me is the water mark in the "attacking" picture. This is something that can be easily fixed, although I'm assuming that there aren't many choppers left on the site since I was last here, but taking it to RadicalX's corner could make it a lot better as (as far as I know) water marks are easy to get rid of.
Miscellaneous: 7.5 Overall "feel" of the article.
Final Score: 36.5 Pretty good article right now, but it could do with some improvement.
Reviewer: Jackofspades (talk)
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