Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Predator's Guide To Runescape
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MaXDeAtH 16:54, September 19, 2009 (UTC)
|Humour:||1||I did not laugh at all. I kinda smirked at the introduction because it gave a more original twist to grooming children on the internet – and that’s what we want here. I mean not grooming, but finding the funny in things and different angles (your joke didn’t work as well due to delivery which I’ll explain in prose). But after the introduction this article had absolutely no redeeming value. Largely because your concept was unworkable.
I’m not going to go into excruciating detail about every bit that was wrong here because it’ll be painful. Instead I’ll try and give you tips on what to avoid in the future (because I suspect this will be deleted fairly soon).
Tone was your major issue after concept, it was too bland. You were just talking nonsense without any real jokes and it got very monotonous very quickly. What we try to do is have the tone sound like an encyclopaedia, informative, intelligent and formal. But not being (that’s what the bulk of articles aim for, but any sort of funny writing is accepted. I wrote this for example).
Avoid patent nonsense. The truth is almost always funnier than blatant lies. However you also had a tendency to just describe the truth, like with the fire making. And how it, like everything on RuneScape, comes down to the click of a button.
|Concept:||1||RuneScape articles will never be funny. Ever. Largely because it’s really boring and unless you’ve played it it’s hard to get jokes about the pointlessness of fire making.
The concept you started off with (as I mentioned above), while tasteless in the extreme could become funny with the right amount of effort (for example our article on Child Porn), if you go back to this article it will need heavy re-writing to make sure it stays on that sort of course.
The concept you eventually fell into, based around obscure RuneScape legends and patent nonsense, failed miserably because you have to know about RuneScape in order to know that the stuff in the article is nonsense and so it isn’t funny no matter what side of the fence you lie on.
What you have to do with concepts is have a central theme (in this case undressing avitars) and build the jokes around that. It’s very hard to explain and is much easier to just pick up for yourself by reading our best material.
|Prose and formatting:||3.5||Your spelling and grammar were generally acceptable.
Don’t add in extra lines. Level two headers under line themselves. Only put in lines if you really need to break up huge hunks of text. (Although if you’ve got huge hunks of text you should consider writing less.)
I also mentioned delivery: I liked the introduction so we’ll look at that.
You have: Runescape is a vast unsettling game full of sweaty 40 year pedophiles pretending to be 14 year old boys in attemps to lure in unsuspecting noobs to make them take off their bronze chain mail so they can take screen shots of the semi naked pixels and get off on it.
This is too long a sentence. I would try phrasing it something like this: RuneScape is a vast and unsettling game full of creeps who want to touch your son’s avatar and take pictures of it naked. Funnier because it gets to the point faster and has the more original take that the predators aren’t interested in children, only the aviators of children.
|Images:||4||I can see you tried and a couple of them made me smile. However I suspect the two that did make me smile (3 and 4) only did because I’m familiar with RuneScape.
The first one really doesn’t work because it’s been used everywhere and isn’t funny now if it ever was.
The second one fails because it’s just pointless, anyone who’s read this far already knows what RuneScape ash looks like and won’t laugh, anyone who doesn’t know doesn’t care because nothing else is making sense. The same can really be applied to the rest, especially the dancing one
Yes pictures should relate to the text but either try and make them funny by themselves or add a funny caption. A joke that perhaps adds in a joke that would be awkward to fit into the main bulk of the text.
|Miscellaneous:||2.38||(Averaged by wizard to 2dp)|
|Final Score:||11.88||Read HTBFANJS at least six times.
I’m sorry if this sounded harsh, but you’ve asked for feedback. I do hope you can get something out of this review and even if you don’t go back to this article, I hope you stick around and try again.
If you’d like to thank/insult/ask me about any of this please visit my talk page.
|Reviewer:||15:15 20 September 2009|