Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Potatohead

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edit Potatohead

Critizise it, but not too much, or you'll hurt yourself. Really, alot of people have, when reviewing my creations. Quite. --Sir General Minister G5 FIYC UPotM [Y] #21 F@H KUN 12:44, 13 July 2008 (UTC)

Humour: 7 Hehehe….I like this one. I actually didn’t see that many jokes you could add, to be honest…
  • Biography Somehow, I’d like to hear a bit more about his high school days. I gotta say, the carrot thing was great. I actually feel this section is totally funny, and doesn’t really need that much. You could probably throw in a couple jokes about Mr. Potatohead modeling or something….
  • Affair With Sophia I think I’d like a really crazy scandal story here. I was kinda disappointed. I’d really like to see you expand this idea.
  • The Seal Well….Very direct…and to the point….I can’t think of anything you can add, but I do feel like it’s lacking a bit.
Concept: 8 Actually, I really like this one. Definitely a good idea.

I like that in this one, it wasn’t drug out to an annoying and uncomfortable length. A good size for what you wrote, pleasant to read -- very readable.

Prose and formatting: 6 No ugly blocks of text! Good job!
  • “is a British punk whom mocks us all with his "Acceptance”. I think we need a period inside the quotes, and switch ‘whom’ over to ‘who.’
  • Also, in the first captioned picture, I think we could change, “Britannica's mother and father had been split up due to immigration issues” to something like, “Britannica’s mother and father were split up, due to immigration issues.”
  • “He was born in 1963.” That is a major sentence fragment right there - hook that on to something else - there’s no way you can leave it all alone, it’ll cry!
  • “Marocco Fresh had not been welcome in Britain, and had to leave due to immigration reasons…” That doesn’t sound quite right to me…Change ‘had not been welcome’ to ‘was unwelcome.’
  • “After understanding that he is a potato, Alan had been sent to a Spud School..” Switch that over to ‘After understanding that he’s a potato, Alan was sent to a Spud School…’
  • “Due to his face looking like a foot…” This would probably be better revised to ‘Due to the fact that his face resembles a foot..’
  • “…he had been nicknamed…” That might be better as, ‘…he was nicknamed…’
  • “…continued to be called by the name until he had been knighted…” Switch this over to, ‘…continued to go by it until he was knighted…’
  • “…calling had been humane studies…” that could probably be changed to, ‘…calling was humane studies…’
  • “…promised on his grave…” This isn’t a grammatical error, but I’d really like to see a stronger word in there. Maybe replace ‘promised’ with ‘vowed.’
  • “…British order of Chivalry…” Capitalize the ‘o’ in ‘order.’
  • “In 1985, Alan had become a writer, known for books such as "My life as a potato", "Spudler's List" and "Being a 'tato for Dummies".” Okay, let’s re-write that sentence so it reads, ‘In 1985, Alan became a writer, known best for, “My Life As A Potato,” “Spudler’s List,” and “Being a ‘Tato for Dummies.” ’
  • “These books had not been quite successful and Alan failed to make a good impression.” Change this to, ‘The books weren’t as successful as Alan had hoped.’ The bit about making an impression doesn’t seem to make any sense right here, really.
  • “His generally small potato size had a general effect on his career,…” let’s change that to, “His small, potato size effected his career…’
  • “In 1995 he had created…” This might work a bit better as, ‘In 1995, he created…’
  • “…which featured…” Since, I’m presuming, it still features his portrait in a blue sphere (if it doesn’t, ignore this), let’s switch this over to, “…which features…”
  • “Certain books, articles and publishers had been given the…” I’d say this would probably work better as, ‘Certain books, articles, and publishers, received the…’
  • “…with the title 'Sir Alan Joseph Potatohead' in 2003, at age 40, as the seal was noted by…” Okay, I’m thinking we should make that, this: ‘with the title ‘Sir Alan Joseph Potatohead’ in 2003, at the age of 40. The seal was later noted by…’
  • “…amazing work among Britain.” How about we change that to something like, ‘…amazing work in Britain.’
  • “…Buckingham Palace by the queen.” Let’s insert a comma between ‘palace’ and the word, ‘by.’
  • “In 2005, it had been announced…” We can re-write that as, ‘In 2005, it was announced…’
  • “…only reason for the seal to be awarded in the wiki, was due to Potatohead's affair with Uncyclopedia logo, Sophia.” Switch that over to, “…only reason for the awarding of the seal, was Potatohead’s affair with Uncyc’s beloved logo, Sopia.”
  • “Uncyclopedia had still kept the seal being awarded, but this time to be voted by users.” I don’t really understand that section, and I think we could better revise it to, “Uncyclopedia still awards the seal to this day.” Gives it a dramatic close, I think.
  • “The seal” You’re going to want to capitalize the ‘s’ in ‘seal.’
  • “The Potatohead Seal of Approval had been designed by Alan Joseph in 1994 and used as an award in 1995.” I think we could make better use of that sentence if we changed it to this, “The Potatohead Seal of Approval, designed by Alan Joseph in 1994, became an award a year later, in 1995.”
  • “The very first had been awarded by Alan Joseph, to The Sun, the newspaper for "Outstanding Work in Receiving the First Seal".” We could improve this, by making this into, ‘The very first Alan Joseph awarded went to The Sun, a newspaper, for “Outstanding Work In Receiving the First Seal.” ’
Images: 9 You did a surprisingly good job with images on this one - they were all relevant, funny - I really liked these. If I wanted to be terrible picky and annoying, I’d say the first one (the guy digging), was a bit too small, and that the thing up at the top on the right side was pretty large. The one at the bottom, however, is a very likable size.
Miscellaneous: 7.5 Yeah. I averaged this. Didn't expect me to do anything else, didya? Well, you can go ahead an be disappointed now.
Final Score: 37.5 All in all, I think this was a good article. The main thing you need to work on is the grammar, and I'd like to see a bit more humour in there. It was supposed to be biographical, but I do see lots of room for more jokes, particularly in reference to the affair with Sophia. Otherwise, you've got a great article on your hands. Hope this was sarcastic, mean, and rude helpful. Good luck!
Reviewer: Love, Sig 
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