Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Port Pirie
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Shadow-Stalk3r 11:35, 6 December 2008 (UTC)
|Humour:||2||OK, let's wade in here and look at the humour in the article...
Lede - light on content (not necessarily a bad thing), and you start off with an open invitation to the place and a suggestion that lead is its (notice how I'm spelling "its") main raison d'etre. Not intrinsically funny, but a possible set up (see Concept).
Creation - I don't know if the date is random, but even if it isn't, it isn't funny. Putting more meat into the story of the town's creation (and you can be pretty creative here, could add humour. Maybe a jolly swagman was looking to put more lead in his pencil and fell into a hole, creating the town, or shear mass of lead in the place gravitationally attracted the town into being once Oz was settled - tie your creation myth into a concept and let the imagination and gags run free. You then head straight for the "this place is a bit crap" gag. This is the case with 99% of all the towns mentioned on Uncyc, and has been beaten to death. Lose this and find something original and funny to say.
Skate Park - I'm sure Port Pirie has one, and it's just as you describe, but why would this section make anyone who dosn't skate there laugh? I can could the reasons on the fingers of one foot.
Gangs - Again, you are diving into the realms of local knowledge gags, and even if you lived in PP, they wouldn't be funny - you're basically saying that RGB are gay. By all means spray that on a local toilet wall, but don't tell the world, because we don't care.
Residents - more scorn poured on the town. Who is Tenby10? Are there really lots of lesbians, and if so, why? Is this just an attack at your town?
Lead Heads - oh dear God - just see the above comments. And this applies to the rest of the article... basically one big dissing of a town without global appeal, and very little to recommend it to local residents, even if they feel the mild frisson of recognition when you mention a place they once walked past.
|Concept:||2||Concept is what the article lacks, and that's why it just ain't funny. I could actually rather enjoy an article written about a town that lives for lead, breathes lead and worships lead. Lead is, by its very nature, dull. An article written from the perspective of a lead enthusiast could be very funny by juxtaposing the mundane with ardent fascination and worship. If you write such a thing well, it doesn't matter that only 6 people have heard of PP, it actually could be funny.
Port Pirie's World of Lead Experience could be a riot if you come up with a deadpan delivery - and if you play it well enough, we'd miss the fact that you are making fun of all your friends.
|Prose and formatting:||3||Lots of errors in spelling ("its" = something belonging to it and "it's" = "it is", fr'example. The article is light on actual content, so it's gard to judge formatting, but the wiki is there.|
|Images:||3||You have a picture. What is it? Is it funny? No. Lead isn't funny. Fascination with the intricacies of lead could be.|
|Miscellaneous:||3||Mediocre is generous, but I think that if you really put yourself in someone else's position, you could find a way to make this work better for non-residents, and really excellent for those with a more intimate knowledge of the place.|
|Final Score:||13||You've probably put enough work into this to, just about, stave off VFD, but it needs a good central concept to raise it above the "just about" category. 3 words. Concept, concept, concept. From strength comes sweetness.|
|Reviewer:||Asahatter (annoy) 00:46, 7 December 2008 (UTC)|