Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Playstation 5 (second time)

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edit Playstation 5

Feel free to make any changes on spelling and or grammar along the way instead of listing them (unless you like listing them). ShabiDOO 23:14, May 21, 2012 (UTC)

I claim this review.--Iwillkillyou 333 TALK What's it like to be a heretic? 23:09, June 7, 2012 (UTC)
My apologies for that, I've got this one for you. 24 hours. --ChiefjusticeGameBoy 13:36, June 24, 2012 (UTC)
Humour: 7 Right, the humour in your article takes an interesting course in presenting the concept, you seem to be aiming to contextualise the world of the future through the PlayStation 5. This approach is a good idea and it's refreshing to see a concept branching out from the standard "This console will be so awesomelicious you will plug it in and it will be like looking through a window! OMG!" style of writing. However, within this approach the article is running into problems, not tremendous problems by any means but problems that are minimising the impact of the article upon the reader.

My first issue is that the article's focus is all over the place, I recognise what you are trying to do but by the end I was still fairly vague on the machine itself, though I was thoroughly educated in 22nd century slang and the ultimate fall of the PlayStation franchise, I still couldn't remember much in the way of the machine itself. Perhaps this is because I can't remember simple things, birthdays, my car keys and where I got the food I am eating. If we assume that the matter is separate to my own issues, one can draw the conclusion that this is something that needs to be improved on. Reading back I note that there are in fact several parts of the article devoted to characterising the system itself but these parts are scattered throughout the article, we don't even find out what the console looks like until section 5 of the article.

My feeling is that if you wish to pursue the style you have chosen for the article you should aim to start off by establishing the console of itself, this would neatly place the rest of the article into context, as it is at the moment stopping the narrative to return to describing the console is incredibly jarring, I was becoming interested in the direction you were going and by the time I had read the description the article felt like it had run out of steam. It's a fairly minor flaw but for me it's having more major consequences, the only remedy I would suggest would be incorporating that section into the preamble.

The second issue is that the jokes are equally all lacking in focus, you meander down tangents and while you make a decent joke at the end of the tangent your initial point is completely lost as a result. The first example of this is in the preamble, you start well by mocking the basis of gaming and then immediately peel away to start talking about specifications, but this doesn't relate to what you were saying before and is never mentioned again after that point.

Consider it this way, if I said: "The Death Star was built by Darth Vader to destroy planets which have irked him by engaging in rebellion. The Death Star runs on a serious of quantum accelerating batteries and a large generator which are often very hot, this does not matter because Space is very cold." if, following this I then began to discuss whether it will have cup holders or what people will think of it, you would read it but, since I started the paragraph by saying what it was for you'd anticipate that I'd expand on the point. In your case you do expand on your initial point but this is scattered through your paragraphs and the impact of this is lost, as is the ultimate meaning. We need to know what the machine is intended for, and we need to know what it can do and why, so you can then go on to discuss the ramifications of this.

What I'd suggest is that you go back and consider how you want the article to end, what do you want to convey? What is the main joke? Once you have answered these points then you need to focus the article in that direction, that will allow you to both utilise your chosen concept and give the jokes the impact they deserve.

The above points aside your humour is well up to your usual standard; I liked the part in the preamble about 22nd century slang and I enjoy the concept itself, just a bit more polish needed in places.

Concept: 8 As I mentioned above, your concept is a good one, I like the way you are attempting to contextualise the 22nd century through the games console. My main advice regarding this would be to expand it, at the moment you seem wary of straying too far from the PS5 and while this is certainly a good idea I'd encourage you to go deeper into the idea. What I mean by this is that there is more you can demonstrate about the time period through the PS5, saying something like "The PlayStation 5 also films the player 24 hours a day, ostensibly for customer service purposes and the betterment of society". I hope this conveys my meaning, I'd encourage you to try and tell us more about the World behind the PS5, you make allusions to the tenth and final nuclear winter, that is exactly the sort of thing I'm talking about. You might want to reconsider your tense, as you seem to be talking about the PS5 in the future tense as in "It will do this" "This will be discovered", I can't help but feel you might get more mileage from this by transitioning to the past tense, describing the PS5 as the cause of a nuclear age, something like that.

My idea was that you could start by discussing the PS5 as it was when it first came out, before explaining the effect it had on society before finishing up with the PS5 in the post-collapse age. This is just an idea I had while writing this review, so feel free to cast it from an upstairs window as you would a brick you no longer had an interest in.

Prose and formatting: 5 Your prose is fine generally though it could do with being complimented by an additional image or two, this would make it seem a bit less wordy, particularly in the middle bits. It could also do with proofreading, I went in and fixed one error that irked me to the point of actually doing something, but there are a fair number of others still lurking within the text. I'd encourage you to go back and find them, because they are letting you down in an article that is otherwise enjoyable to read. You can also consider separating some of the later sections into a few more paragraphs as some of them are hovering on the edge of "block of text" territory.
Images: 8 Your existing images are fine and are captioned well. I'd like to see some more illustrating the points your article is making as it is making them, but this is something for you to consider once you decide what you want to do with the article. You are a competent enough writer that you don't need me to go on at you over this, so I'll leave it at that.
Miscellaneous: 7 My overall grade of the article.
Final Score: 35 Good but lacking polish is the way I'd describe this article in its current form. You get your jokes across and you have a good concept to make them work, but as discussed earlier your article lacks focus, it is trying to discuss items as it comes across them rather than in a fashion which will allow items to have a more significant impact, I would urge you to consider this carefully before doing anything else with the article. If you have any questions feel free to ask them on my talk page. Good luck making any changes.
Reviewer: --ChiefjusticeGameBoy 14:58, June 24, 2012 (UTC)
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