The first opinion was a little brief and I would appreciate some in-depth input to make this article as good as it can be.
Mrmonkey72 17:35, 23 July 2008 (UTC)
Well if it isn't our very own Noob of the Month. All right, let's dive into this. This article has definitely improved since its failed VFH - now let's see how much further it has to come.
The lede: 7. The lede is serviceable - combined with the picture, we get the idea of what the article is going to be. The second sentence is clumsy: "extremely telling" isn't the right phrase. Maybe: "Though little information has been released, the tidbits that have been leaked to basement-dwelling nerd bloggers suggest a promising future for the system and the company - one that might even dig them out of the ditch they've dug." Something like that.
Overviews and Interviews: 6. There's nothing bad here, but it doesn't tell any new jokes that aren't already obvious from the picture. My advice would be to trim this section down to a couple paragraphs and integrate it into the lede - after all, this is your concept, here, and usually the concept should be explicitly stated before the table of contents. The idea of Sony rushing hopelessly unfinished products to market, taken to its logical and absurd conclusion, is very funny, but I'm worried you might be ruining the joke by having them ship shoeboxes and spoons as upgrades. Wouldn't it be funnier if the first "upgrade" to the box was, say, an extremely advanced controller? One that charged via a proprietary form of USB, and thus there was no way to even charge it, let alone use it with anything? Finally, the first sentence of the second paragraph needs a rewrite - it's extremely clumsy and confusing.
Games: 8. Why is the attempt to drum up publicity "reluctant"?? Maybe a better word would be "pathetic"? Or, if that's too strong, "futile"? "Spoon hero" is very amusing, and again, a good example of the logical, absurd conclusion to "making games more accessible." Get rid of the red link, though. "Make your own movies" is also funny, when we realize the punchline is that Sony wants to charge us to just imagine stuff. And I love the "Every PS1 Game, again" section, since Sony has been the one company waving the "backwards compatibility" flag, as though people are DYING to play the original Tekken on the PS3.
So, this isn't bad. But I think one is missing, and one that should go at the top: a game that is pure vaporware. Brag about amazing, unthinkably cool features, while making it clear that the game is at least five to ten years from release and basically not even started. Maybe make it about, say, "Metal Gear 9," and claim that it is so incredibly advanced that they skipped four sequels. I don't know. Just spitballin' here.
Where can I purchase it: 8. Modding a cardboard box - I love it. "Alone in the Dark" is also a hilarious joke. I don't understand the paidoff joke, with the links. I guess the idea is to insinuate that they have been paid off by Sony, but there has to be a less confusing way to do that.
Gamer reaction: 6. Missed opportunities here. We all know that there are Sony fanboys who would buy a dump in a box from Sony and claim it was utter gold. But there are also hardcore anti-Sony-fanboy-fanboys who want to kick those people in the teeth. I think a bit on the conflict between these groups could be very funny. Also, I liked the concept of Sony fanboys erupting into the streets, but I thought it was underutilized. I'd write something about how they all burst out of their homes dancing in perfect unison as though perfectly choreographed. Not exactly that sentence, but you get the idea.
Outstanding concept here, taking what's known about various Sony practices and carrying that to absurd extremes. I've already made plenty of notes about what I'd do with the concept, so I'll give you a 9 and leave it at that.
Prose and formatting:
This prose is serviceable, but good prose is about being able to squeeze the maximum amount of funny out of the minimum amount of words, and these sentences just aren't tight like that. I get the feeling you've got it in you, though. Go over this sentence-by-sentence, consider reading them aloud, and think: "Is there a better way I could word this? Something clearer, or more concise, or more bait-and-switch, or more deadpan?" The formatting is also perfectly fine but not exceptional; two problems are that it ends abruptly and that both the pictures happen very early on, leaving only a block of text until the end.
These pictures are fine, if a little unexciting. Still, I'm not sure I can think of anything funnier. The captions aren't bad, either. The article may need a third picture.
Miscellaneously, I give it a 7.
Okay, so, 38/50. 35 is supposed to be the theoretical "average decent Uncyclopedia article," and this is a cut above that. VFH theoretically starts at about 40, and this is a cut below that. But you've got a good thing going here. Please don't abandon it. Cheers!