Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Perfectionism (2nd Review)

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edit Perfectionism

After some forging, more forging, screaming, crying, and a little bit of dying, I have revamped the article into something somewhat new. Please tell me if I've screwed up somewhere. THIS ARTICLE SHALL BE PERFECT!!! (by law).Sir Not A Good Username360Stress KUN 15:12, 5 February 2009 (UTC)

Would you like me to do this, or would you rather have someone else's opinion this time around? BlueYonder GalaxyIcon - CONTACT
If not, I'd be happy to volounteer and review it. Havent read it all the way through yet but enjoyed what I read so far. Btw, at some point you wrote inperfect and I had my doubts about that spelling. I checked it up and I'm pretty certain (not entirely so soz if Im wrong, but according to WikiAnswers I'm right) that it should be spelled imperfect. Pretty ironic you had a spelling error in a text about perfectionism (if it was on purpose then I really feel stupid now). =D Cheers! --kit 20:32, 7 February 2009 (UTC)
I'd rather see a second revewer's opinion, but I'd welcome your general opinion after KP, BY. There's room for everyone to be perfect! And Kit Paddle, I got my eye on you... Sir Not A Good Username360Stress KUN 23:01, 9 February 2009 (UTC)
Ok I got this one =) --kit 13:54, 10 February 2009 (UTC)
Humour: 5 Ok, here I go. Firstly let me just point out that I havent read the first review and this is purely based on my opinion after reading your articles and the previous versions of that article. Briefly described - its quite good but also disappointing. Ill go through the article and describe each paragraf as it comes. I thought and re-thought about the quotes and opening paragraf and concluded that I liked it. The Oscar Wilde quote is so so and could be replaced but the other quote and the contiunous striking of opening lines is both funny and original.

As for your physical traits it doesnt really work in my opinion. The whole thing where you talk to yourself about stuff in between lines is a good idea but you didnt pull it off. Firstly I prefered your original paragraf (the one in your first version of the article). You "played" the angry perfectionist that wont let the reader screw things up or something and that was simply more fun an unexpected. As I said the idea with the italic parts is good but they are simply too predictable and non-original. Make up better and more unexpected stuff or remove them. I also appreciated the part where you maked fun of the french. Everybody (except those stupid french (and Im partly french)) like to laugh at them so feel free to create more laughs at their expense. Onwards to your Medical Benefits part. Why is it called that. After reading it again it seemed more as if you simple describe most perfectionist to have some kind of sickness and then go on with what their hobbies are. Maybe rethink the title or create two separate sections. The list is a good idea but you went too far with way too many "whining" as I'm sure you intended.. but still, there are too many and its just overwhelming, thus killing the "fun". The Population Affected part is like once appendix - expendable. As you posted, its crap and no, not the funny kind of crap imo. The Famous Perfectionist part is a good idea and has some funny names there. Although there are a bit too many and some that should be removed to make it more consise and funny. Try to keep the saracstic ones and remove the obvious/true ones. Writing AAA, Pablo Picasso or AAA for example doesn't really feel necessary and there are a few more there that just dont fit. Once again let me remind yuo this is just my opinion. Also I may have sounded quite negative but I really like the concept and just thinks it need some tuning. Basically, the biggest tip I can give to better the humour is; either to write the article in a more personal way (like that angry guy from your first version); or make the whole article less bias and more descriptive, avoiding all "me" and "you" and keeping to using "them". One more thing, independently of everything, I found it irritating that you wrote "he/she". It feels unecessary, pick one (or pick "them") and stick to it.

Concept: 8 Great concept. The whole idea of writing about perfectionism is great. I also see that your bubbling with good ideas lika the striking of words and letters. What you should decide now is, as I wrote earlier, to decide weither to make it more bias or less bias. It feels in between now and shouldnt be.
Prose and formatting: 6.5 Good english. Didnt get stuck on any words, sentences or malapropisms. Found two misspellings - "absoulutely" instead of absolutely and "aproach" instead of approach. No biggies but in an article about perfection =P . Other than that I dont really have any comments as to the prose itself. The format on the other hand could be a tiny bit better. To start with there is really space enough for another or maybe even two pictures. Also the italic paragrafs (where you comment yourself) dont really stick out in a good way. Maybe you could try putting them in boxes (you know by leaving a space at the beginning of a paragraf it creates a small box) or write them in bold as well or something to make them stick out. You also use many, really many small paragrafs. It makes for a disordered look so try making your text a bit more tight and neat.
Images: 5 I like simplicity and witty jokes. The only image comment that was both was the PI one. You had a good comment to your Da vinci painting in your first version but changed it for some long, complex (and utterly) boring comment. The one with tony blair is good though =) The peridoic table is ok as an idea but there again the comment feels too long. Make the comment clearer, shorter, more obvious perhaps. As for the last picture and comment (stickbombguy) it just didnt make me laugh. At all. Weird image with an ever weirder comment. Maybe you could just have wrote something like "Bomb instructions for a perfectionist" or something; not that funny either but better in the way that its not a long text about bombing places completely out of context.
Miscellaneous: 8 After reading through my comments I realise this must sound really harsh. Hence I give you this little bonus to show you that I apprciate your article. Just have quite an opinion about it. Why I'm so petty with details and thorough is just cause I like the concept and the ideas you have. This could be a great article with a bit of changes.
Final Score: 32.5 I liked it but there are both petty/small things to correct and some major decisions to make (go less or more bias). Once these are looked at; I have no doubts this article about perfectionism will be perfect itself - a guiding light and inspiration to all those imperfect writers ;)
Reviewer: --kit 14:58, 10 February 2009 (UTC)
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