Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Pegasus

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edit Pegasus

PigeonOfTheAppil 16:57, March 27, 2010 (UTC)

Humour: 3 You have an article here. You've got the hang of entering wiki code and it looks like an article, but there aren't really may laughs for those of us who have worked out how to make a toilet flush.

Quotes - OK, these are actually pretty good. Whether you stick with them depends upon what concept you finally adopt, but for me they were the funniest part of the article.

Lede - you mentioned Hitler and penis in the same sentence. That set off alarm bells telling me that I wasn't going to get anything new here. See HTBFANS and get rid of this. Actually, get rid of the whole paragraph and focus on a concept (see below) that hangs together. Saying that the plural of Pegasus is Pegasausages is a joke that will work once in passing "Pegasus (pl Pegasausage)" but not enough to sustain an article.

Birth - this is mostly a rehash of established facts, and without a concept not funny. The picture takes away from the paragraph, but I liked the phrase "somewhat immortal"

Personality - the article feels like its running out of steam here - you feel that you need to add more, but without a concept, you have little to add. No laughs here.

Concept: 3 You're absolutely right in assuming that Uncyclopedia should have an article on Pegasus, but your article lacks a central theme. There are so many concepts that could work here, but you've gone for a pretty random approach which is hardly ever successful. Let me nudge you in some directions that could (pardon the pun) "have wings". Number 1 - Pegasus is born and he is a horse with wings... there are a lot of potential parallels with Dumbo here, and this could "really fly". Number 2 - Pegasus is just a regular horse who somehow achieved an elevated status - think Life of Brian - he is called upon to serve various masters to defeat Greek monsters but is never quite up to the job. Number 3 - Pegasus is a reluctant hero - he just happens to be born with wings, but he'd rather just be in the paddock eating grass and rutting with the ladies... There are many possibles here, but your scatter-gun approach hasn't nailed any of them.
Prose and formatting: 5 I'll give credit for the fact that most things were spelt ok and made sense. There are a lot of red links however, and you should remove most of them.
Images: 4 As ever, I tend to focus on concept when judging articles, but there are a couple of OK images here that have raised your score above average. The Thatcher image is OK, but doesn't really relate to the article, and I did laugh at the constellation picture and its caption. The "photograph" should die horribly in a ditch (head to RadicalX's corner - we can wield that Potatochopper) and whilst the "Pegasus enjoying being alive" picture was OK, it didn't really tie in and had no laughs
Miscellaneous: 6 This is an article with potential and I've bumped this up a little to reflect that. You have the hang of wiki formatting, can string a sentence together and have the potential to make this worth reading. Making funny articles is an art worth pursuing.
Final Score: 21 A good start. Learn from the masters.
Reviewer: Asahatter (annoy) 22:10, March 29, 2010 (UTC)
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