Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Patrick Stump
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Perhaps a quicky...?--ZTVstudios 02:52, November 8, 2011 (UTC)
ZTVstudios 11:05, November 5, 2011 (UTC)
- Hey man, sorry you've had to wait. I'll get this. Be done by tomorrow. --Black Flamingo 22:47, December 3, 2011 (UTC)
|Humour:||6||Hello there, nice to see new writers around the place, how's it going? Enjoying the site? So let's take a look at this article... well, like most of the articles I review I've never heard of the subject, although I am vaguely aware of Fall Out Boy. All in all the article does have a few flaws but it's nothing to seriously worry about.
So let's start from the top: the quotes. While opening quotes aren't inherently bad, it is hard to do them right. It has to be a very specific kind of joke... a witty one-liner to be exact. So in my opinion, the ones you have here don't work as well as they could. I'm not saying "you have written bad jokes", but I think a lot of these would work better as prose-based jokes in the main body of the text. The one from the Irish guy, for example, could be reworked as a sort of review of Patrick Stump's musical output. It could be really funny if you had all the other music critics saying the music was awful and then just have this drunken Irish guy love and praise him (the joke being that he's only doing it because he's a son of Ireland, of course). Get some more context around them. See if you can do something like this with all your quotes, although the last two might be better off just being cut out altogether. Oscar Wilde quotes are generally a no-no unless they're really witty, this one however is just a gay joke. Being gay isn't really that funny on its own.
Another little problem I'd like to bring to your attention is the use of what we call random humour. Now, actually, for a noob you don't have much of a problem with this, you avoid it pretty well, so good work there. Still, the running joke about Conan O'Brien being his brother could probably be considered "random". I applaud you for keeping it consistent (something most noobs fail to do), but at the same time I reckon it's a bit too silly to work. Is the only reason you made them brothers because they're both Irish (or at least of Irish descent)? It doesn't resonate enough with reality, and it's not satirical enough to justify making shit up. Try to avoid jokes like this as they look too easy and are generally too nonsensical to make people laugh (in fact they are usually a bit tiresome to read).
And now we move on to a more overarching problem with your article, and that is the lack of jokes. Now don't get me wrong, you do have some corkers in there ("corkers" is an old-fashioned British term for "something good", by the way). However, for the most part, you go on and on for ages about minute details of his life without really making any jokes. It's all exposition and very little humour. Making jokes is easy though! I'll show you. Just try to twist sentences so they have a punch line. For instance, where you say "Pete Wentz's hair cut was sported by emo boys everywhere", you could add "yet for some reason, beer-bellies and sideburns just didn't catch on." This isn't a hilarious example but at least it's sort of unexpected, and makes fun of Patrick (which ultimately is what an Uncyc article wants to do). Just try this on some of your other sentences, and remember, the key to a good joke is misdirection.
This last comment may seem harsh because there are some jokes in there with real potential. The joke about Prince having sex, for instance, was great. Then there's the one about how believers do die sometimes. This is a good idea but could probably be executed better. As an encyclopaedic comment this doesn't make much sense but if you had one of the band say it then it might work; it would really help to demonstrate the meaninglessness of most pop lyrics. For instance, you could say "in one interview, critics questioned the title, pointing out that believers actually do die. Stump replied "oops, oh yeah, so they do."" Or something to that effect anyway (I'm sure it can be worded much funnier than the way I did it.
|Concept:||6||Well, the concept is fine, you've just gone for the realistic approach (save for the Conan references), which isn't a problem at all. What you really suffer from in regards to this is not treating the source material as humorously as you could. I really recommend you read a few of the articles on musicians/singers that we have. Justin Beiber is probably the best example as it takes a similar route to yours, but check out others too as they're bound to give you ideas in how you can make a good joke out of stereotypical perceptions of a famous person's persona.|
|Prose and formatting:||5||Unfortunately the prose is fairly sloppy. It is littered with spelling errors, grammar errors and clumsy prose. You seem to randomly capitalise things, remember links to other articles don't need to be capitalised if it's just a normal word like "alcohol". Also, proper nouns need to be capitalised, you are inconsistent in capitalising "Fall Out Boy". You should also take another look at your use of apostrophes. Apostrophes are for contractions and possessives, not plurals (eg. "don't" and "Patrick's sideburns" but NOT "sideburn's"
I would recommend you read through the whole article carefully and slowly, perhaps try reading it aloud to get an idea of the flow. Look at this sentence for example: "Patrick's sexuality has also been highly speculated through out [sic] his Fall Out Boy years". This doesn't make sense grammatically, but I know what you're trying to say. Look out for things like this as I'm sure I spotted a few examples.
|Images:||5||The images are fine but I do have some tips for the future. If the image itself isn't inherently funny then you simply must have a funny caption. Most of the time you don't do this and just put a "straight" caption. You should look at the captions you have and see how you can make some kind of funny comment on the image. If you can't I would recommend getting some that contain more humour. Just an idea: you keep making references to him being fat but there are no images of this - might be something to think about.|
|Final Score:||27.5||Ok, so a little bit more work and this should be a great article in no time. Try to get a few more jokes in there and develop the core idea a bit more, and maybe think about where you want to go with the images. The biggest problem is probably the sloppy prose, so definitely take another look at that; there are probably lots of users who would be happy to help in that respect if you don't trust your proofreading skills. Sure, the article has a few flaws but don't let it get you down, most people's first articles aren't masterpieces. Apart from that, good work. If there's anything I've said here that you want me to explain better, or if you want my opinion on anything I might have missed, or even if you're just lonely, please let me know on my talky page and I'll try to help. Keep up the good work and I hope the review is ok.|
|Reviewer:||--Black Flamingo 13:26, December 4, 2011 (UTC)|