Could do with a quick swatch. Haven't done many trully first person articles, hope this is funny and not just a personal psych report. Thanks for having a look:)--Sycamore(Talk) 13:01, January 29, 2010 (UTC)
I'll get this one, 24 hours. --ChiefjusticeDS 23:59, February 1, 2010 (UTC)
OK, I really like the style that you are using for your article, I think that the first person narrative provides some of the greatest potential for humour. Your article does have some good parts and a couple of very good parts, but there are a couple of problems that I would recommend you have a look at before doing anything else with this one. The first problem that struck me is that while the main prose of your article contain some of the best humour, they are very difficult to read for an extended time. I think that this is partly because of the style but also because your jokes are all very seperate and, bar the main running joke in the article there is very little continuation or sense of progression in your article and indeed your jokes. Permit me to expand, if we consider your first section each paragraph talks about something different and the ultimate subject that you are speaking about is lost because of this; your jokes go from point to point and when you say things like: "everyone is secretly conspiring against me and those with the looks and the money are always plotting against the little guy like myself, or that we are alike; though I'm sure that you'll reveal your "true colours" soon enough. Of course I was just joking there." it is exceptionally difficult to keep track of what you are saying because you are junmping from joke to joke so much. Part of the problem here, I feel, is that you are trying to introduce too many ideas over a small amount of time, leading to what I tend to refer to as joke congestion, there is literally too much for the reader to take in and still read the article in a way that means they don't have to read sentences back to make sure they have understood them appropriately. The difficulty in fixing this is increased for you because of the style of the article, which has undoubtedly contributed to causing this problem in the first place, also makes fixing it that much harder. My recommendation would be to either read through yourself, or persuade/employ/coerce someone else to do so and try to get a sense where the article becomes difficult to read and the dialogue is difficult to keep track of. Once you have an idea of the problem areas you need to devise a way to fix the problem, which you can do pretty easily; my suggestion would be to decide on a way to fix it without considering the article's style of narration, and then try to adapt it. This adaption may take a while so feel free to experiment and ask people what they think of different ways.
Corollary with the above you could try some new ideas with the section headings, try changing them so they give a nit more of an indication of the direction the section is going in. Despite my ramblings at great length above your problem is more minor than it is serious, it has an effect on reading at times and to varying degrees, this means you should try to identify the more troublersome areas. Besides that there are some real gems in the article and I laughed a couple of times while reading, I do not doubt that with some more work this article could have me laughing even more, so I would really encourage you to keep working.
The idea behind your article is good and, as I have already said, is one of my favourite types of article. Your tone is very good and you keep it consistent throughout. There are some weaknesses in the characterisation, obviously the narrator of the article is passive-aggressive but it is difficult to work out anything else about the character. I'm not suggesting that you put in a bioography, but rather that you alude to the characters wider life, as the author of this article does. It is the minor bits of context that provide not only greater impact of jokes but also give us a clearer idea of how pathetic the narrator is, this tends to improve later humour as it provides a backdrop for the characters statements. Again, you have made a good start on this one and just need to make some final edits to improve it.
Prose and formatting:
You are weakest on this one, and the problem isn't your formatting. You format well and the images are spaced out and the text is broken up well. The issue is your spelling and grammar. In an article that is already having problems with readability spelling can be the difference between someone sticking with the article to the end and their going back to lolcats.com. Now comes the inevitable proofreading speech, I cannot over emphasise the importance of reading through your article upon completion, typos just make an article feel unfinished and unprofessional. I'm not going to go on as you are experienced enough to know what I will say. Ultimately you are letting yourself down a little bit here, so i would recommend some careful checks.
Just about no criticisms to make here, your images are good and the captions are equally appropriate. My sole criticism is that I would have liked to see the images linked a bit more closely to the text, this would give the jokes you make a little bit more impact on readers. Otherwise very good work here.
My overall grade of the article.
Your article has all the hallmarks of excellence and really feels like it is almost there. I enjoyed reading it and the jokes that weren't hampered by problems were very enjoyable. The final product is being pulled back by a few small problems, if you can do some work on these then you will be well on your way to making this one as good as I think it can be. If you have any questions or comments then you can leave them on my talk page. Good luck making any changes.