Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Papyrus bla bla bla

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edit UnBooks:A Brief Overview Of The History Of The Papyrus Containing The Spell To Preserve Its Possessor Against Attacks From He Who Is In The Water And Its Role In Shaping Human History, Along With Alternate Versions Of History In Various Parallel Universes

Have fun reviewing the page with the longest title ever! FreddIs Great In Bedd 22px-Flag_of_Egypt.png 18px-Foxicon.png 18:12, November 24, 2009 (UTC)

Holy smokes. I was about to pull Squiggle's masterpiece on you, but yours is longer! Bonus note: Your article title has 42 words in it. Necropaxx (T) {~} Tuesday, 21:37, Nov 24 2009
Why, you're right, it's 42! Coincidence? I hope so. FreddIs Great In Bedd 22px-Flag_of_Egypt.png 18px-Foxicon.png 22:01, November 24, 2009 (UTC)
Necropaxx Hi there! This big ol' grin must mean this article
is being reviewed by:

Necropaxx (T) {~}
(While you're welcome to review it as well, you might like to consider

(Also, if the review hasn't been finished within 24 hours of this tag appearing
at 21:37, November 24, 2009 (UTC)
feel free to remove it and give Necropaxx a swift kick up the butt for being such a loser).

The 24 hours are over. You deserve a swift kick up the butt. FreddIs Great In Bedd 22px-Flag_of_Egypt.png 18px-Foxicon.png 21:38, November 25, 2009 (UTC)
Humour: 6 Well, the article is a lot shorter than I remember. Also you've cut out the explodes-your-eyes-if-you-gaze-upon-it joke. I liked that joke. Anyway. The intro: You lay out the concept. I address that in the concept section. It's not that funny of a section, but it doesn't especially need to be. The important thing for the intro is that you lay out the concept of the article, which you do. Some minor humor fixes there: I would make the "2499 USD" into "249 USD" simply because the larger the numbers get, the less funny they are. The $249 price implies that it is outrageously expensive, but it doesn't beat it into the ground. Also, the Professor's closing is weird & random & unfunny & penile & fail.

The History: This is the "meat" of your article. It's broken up into sections so that it covers all its holders and their histories, along with, for some reason, an alternate history. Starting with Ra (or Re, or Aten or whatever): The first paragraph is good, no complaints, but the second 2-sentence paragraph there are a few little things. Apep isn't introduced, so the average merkin schlub doesn't know what's going on. Just put something like "the monster snake thingie Apep" instead of just Apep. Also, if it's the Battle For the Papyrus, why does Nephren-Ka get to take the Papyrus? Why doesn't Apep? And the alt. history for Ra: What's a goa'uld? Well, that's what I was thinking when I read it, and it kind of killed the funny for me there.

Nephren-Ka: First off, I would make that header "Pharaoh Nephren-Ka." Yes, I know you introduced his pharaoh-ness earlier, but people are stupid and forget things. It makes it easier to remember. This section I think is my favorite section in the article. "Delicious Falafel" was the high point of the article for me. If you could make the rest of the article more like this section, it would get a much higher score. Alt version: also good.

The shark: Okay, it starts out funny but then breaks continuity when Moses shows up. I thought dynamite, since it was in the water, wouldn't harm the shark. It jars me out of the groove I was in, which is not so good. Alt version: meh.

Moses: good, good so far, one minor thing, it should be "instinctively," I know I'm using too many commas, I don't care, okay why does Pharaoh have Republican Guards? It's a dictatorship. Is this a reference to something, because I didn't get it. And that just ends the article. Alt version: drew a smile.

Concept: 7 You have an idea here, and a concrete one at that. I can get through reading the massive title and I am interested. So points to you. In your introduction, you tell me straight out what the Papyrus blah blah blah is. I'm liking the idea. Okay, I think, a cool Egyptian papyrus that can protect you in the water. Go on. Then you change from what I remember in the original article and make this an expensive book about the papyrus instead of just an article about the papyrus. What was the reason for this? So you could have the alternate versions? It's strange. To me, anyway. And it brings you down in this review. Also, I think that this article could be more than just a history of the papyrus. You limit yourself.
Prose and formatting: 6 Your formatting is fine; it's the prose that I have issues with. You have a lot of spelling and grammar issues throughout your article. I'm curious: what browser are you using? I know Firefox & Chrome do spell-check. I think you mentioned you use Opera? Do they not do that? If you don't feel like hunting for errors, just add {{Proofread}} to your article and someone in the Proofreading Service will come by and do it for you. One minor note: "bla bla bla"? I've always spelled it blah blah blah. :/ Also also: there's one link in the entire article. Add some links, yo.
Images: 5.5 There are only two images, and neither of them are particularly funny. The first one has no caption, but unless you can think one up for it, don't bother. I'd recommend keeping it simply because it shows the reader what the papyrus looks like. The second image is... okay. I think you could probably find a funnier image or make a funnier caption. The big thing here is that there are not enough images. You should add it at the end of the article to balance out the text-to-pic ratio. Maybe make it about hippie heaven? It doesn't really matter what you make it of so long as it relates to the article somehow and is mildly amusing, but you do need a third image.
Miscellaneous: 6 My average grade for the article; according to PRG, it corresponds to "nearly adequate." Yeah.
Final Score: 30.5 Very sorry for not finishing the review on time. I feel like a jerkface. :( Also, the Oriental societies had plenty of wars without the Judeo-Christo-Muslimo religions' help, thankyewverymuch. :p
Reviewer: Necropaxx (T) {~} Saturday, 03:12, Nov 28 2009
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