Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Papyrus Containing The Spell To Preserve Its Possessor Against Attacks From He Who Is In The Water

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edit Papyrus Containing The Spell To Preserve Its Possessor Against Attacks From He Who Is In The Water

Well, this is the second review, and the first after the article has been finished. I haven't added images yet. I plan to put this throu VFH. I want an experienced (25+ pees) to review it. Egypt_orb_spinning.gif 07:31, 26 April 2009 (UTC)

Humour: 8 I really enjoyed this article. Your use of deadpan and black humour made the article very enjoyable. There is stuff that needs to be fixed though. Add Nile references. When you wrote, “This made its content virtually impossible to be known.” Add something to it like “but it was originally suspected to be talking about the transformed spirits of the dawn and driving away lions of the wastes, until they read the name and realised it was about protection from he who is in the water.” The 40,000,000 asian anime villians sounds too big. Change that part to something like “In addition, an asian anime villian sent a small group of his most incompetent and foolish soldiers to find Papyrus Containing The Spell To Preserve Its Possessor Against Attacks From He Who Is In The Water.” Link asian anime villian to something also. Under Historical attempts to find the Papyrus Containing The Spell To Preserve Its Possessor Against Attacks From He Who Is In The Water you do not write where the peasant found it. You mention it later on where it is found, but write it here also. Change illiterate Egyptian fellah to illterate Egyptian peasant. Instead of writing “wasn't known until Mahm00shA found it and wrote an article” change it something like “wasn’t known until a rich and extremely technical guitarist found it and wrote an article” and link “rich and extremely technical guitarist” to Mahm00shA. I like the part about voting for the article on VFH. For “Of course, should they vote For, they are excluded from the "fatass nerds" rule.” Add something to the end if you want, for example, “Of course, should they vote For, they are excluded from the "fatass nerds" rule, and will finally bring honor to their household” You wrote that the illiterate Egyptian peasant panicked. Explain why, e.g. panicked because he realised being caught in the catacombs of Nephron-Ka was punishable by 100 lashings etc. Why did Octavian put the papyrus in a bottle and throw it out to sea? Should you mention that Christopher Colombus clubbed two baby seals as an offering to an Egyptian God? When talking about Christopher Colombus, should you add, ‘Chris trembled with fear and said "I want a ship, you majesty, or I’ll stab you in the eye!” Change that Mahm00shA was high on kittens to something like high on grass and link grass to cannabis. Delete “Unknown.” Instead, write that Mahm00shA one day was looking for the papyrus under his matress and realised it was stolen. Then have an end section titled “Where is the Papyrus Containing The Spell To Preserve Its Possessor Against Attacks From He Who Is In The Water now?” And write speculations.
Concept: 9 You have done a great job with the concept. When I first saw it I thought it would be impossible to make a great article out of a song by Nile but you managed to do it. It is original and you have brought out its potential. My only problem with the concept is that some people will not know it is the name of a Nile song but that does not lower the quality of the article.
Prose and formatting: 6.5 The writing style, layout and overall appearance are great on this article, especially the papyrus coloured background. You lose points for prose and formatting because of your spelling and grammar. Here are my suggestions:

Instead of having the first piece invisible apart from a few links, make the writing blue, so it appears watery. Link PCTSTPIPAAFHWINTW to the article, not bullshit. You wrote “magical spell making it extremely hazardous to the eyes of the readed.This made its content virtually impossible to be known.” You need to fix the spelling to “magical spell making it extremely hazardous to the eyes of the reader. This made its content virtually impossible to be known.” You wrote “The papyrusPapyrus Containing The Spell To Preserve Its Possessor Against Attacks From He Who Is In The Water created much politcal unrest in Egypt” You don’t need to write papyrus twice, so just have it as “The Papyrus Containing The Spell To Preserve Its Possessor Against Attacks From He Who Is In The Water created much politcal unrest in Egypt” Nephren Ka needs a hyphen, so it is Nephren-Ka. Change “After years of non-stop thinking” to “after years of pondering its content” Link Epic Fail to Epic Fail. Put the part “Papyrus Containing The Spell To Preserve Its Possessor Against Attacks From He Who Is In The Water In Popular Culture” at the end of the article, it seems out of place where it is right now. Change “According to other papyrii in our archives and historical accounts from the time,” to “According to other papyrii scholars in the archives and historical accounts from the time.”

Your main headings, for example “Contents Of The Papyrus Containing The Spell To Preserve Its Possessor Against Attacks From He Who Is In The Water” and “Papyrus Containing The Spell To Preserve Its Possessor Against Attacks From He Who Is In The Water In Popular Culture” have a size that’s too big and gives it a bad appearance. Make them less big or space it out. Have a picture that needed to be photochopped, it makes the article look good.

Images: 4 Your two images are relevant with good quality and formatting. You need more though. You need to put an image of Nile in their, with a possible caption saying something like “they wish they had the Papyrus Containing The Spell To Preserve Its Possessor Against Attacks From He Who Is In The Water.” Some other ideas are an image of Ra on a luxury yacht and a person holding the papyrus with an asploded head.
Miscellaneous: 6.9 Used the pee formula.
Final Score: 34.4 Brilliant.
Reviewer: --Docile hippopotamus 08:36, 27 April 2009 (UTC)
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