Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Paleolithic Age
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Simply put, "why does this article suck" and "what would make it VFH worthy"13:05, 24 December 2008 (UTC)
- I read the article, and I don't think its delete worthy. Granted, the underlying concept isn't that good, but I wouldn't say it "sucks", I've seen alot worse.--Mnbvcxz (Annoy) 04:59, 25 December 2008 (UTC)
- I'm under the impression that it's too lengthy without enough jokes per square inch. I'm satisfied with the whole "birth of religion" joke in the end (but I've bored everyone before they get there). Perhaps the "pussy trade" joke is effective in a small dose but it's been expanded into a pocket novel. So, as an underlying concept, it fails. I'm just being self-effacing about the "sucks". My work is usually mediocre/boring at worst. Thanks!-- 10:03, 25 December 2008 (UTC)
|Humour:||4||Here's the worry: the entire introduction and most of the second section appear purely factual.The rest is rather single-mindedly devoted to sexual matters. See endnote.|
|Prose and formatting:||7||Well-written, but see endnote.|
|Images:||5||Format those images with [[image.jpg|thumb|300px|caption]].|
|Miscellaneous:||6||I hope this succeeds.|
|Reviewer:||----OEJ 20:48, 25 December 2008 (UTC)|
This is an ambitious and worthy project.
On humor: As mentioned, there is a lot of plainly factual material, especially at the beginning. This starts the article out on a rather slow note. You might consider how to slip some zingers in amidst the facts so that while the article properly introduces the subject it also winks its eye at the reader and delivers a few giggles right away.
You are kind of on the mark in your own comments above: The piece is concerned with sex, and relies heavily on heterosexual anal sex to booty. I mean to boot! Now, there's nothing wrong with pretending that all human civilization is based on sex trade. But to me it seems like a one-chord song by the end: there are no change-ups, no variety.
Which is kind of what you noticed yourself.
My friend, mi amigo, it is very very hard to write densely imagined and complex articles. That is to say, in the best of all possible worlds a writer might recognize the sex-economy aspect and explore it, but then move into ever wider aspects of the imaginary paleolithic culture. Basically the imagination of the writer has to jump beyond the basic concept and set itself free.
Mark Leyner does this kind of free-form fast-moving cultural stuff very well:
- I was driving to Las Vegas to tell my sister that I'd had Mother's respirator unplugged. Four bald men in the convertible in front of me were picking the scabs off their sunburnt heads and flicking them into the road. I had to swerve to avoid running over one of the oozy crusts of blood and going into an uncontrollable skid. I maneuvered the best I could in my boxy Korean import but my mind was elsewhere. I hadn't eaten for days. I was famished. Suddenly as I reached the crest of a hill, emerging from the fog, there was a bright neon sign flashing on and off that read: FOIE GRAS AND HARICOTS VERTS NEXT EXIT. I checked the guide book and it said: Excellent food, malevolent ambiance. I'd been habitually abusing an illegal growth hormone extracted from the pituitary glands of human corpses and I felt as if I were drowning in excremental filthiness bu the prospect of having something good to eat cheered me up. I asked the waitress about the soup du jour and she said that it was primordial soup -- which is ammonia and methane mixed with ocean water int he presence of lightning. Oh I'll take a tureen of that embryonic broth, I say... (from I was an infinitely hot and dense dot, in the collection My Cousin, My Gasteroenterologist).
OK, so I think the lesson in that excerpt is, pack in as much imaginative variety as possible while keeping the narrative self-consistent and mostly non-random.
In the case of Paleolithic Age I would rewrite / rewrite / rewrite to widen the scope and imaginative vision of the piece. Use details.
How did the paleolithic economy inevitably lead to stockbroker Piotr Albion Smythe laying dead in an Amsterdam public toilet with a primitive flint hand-ax embedded in his balding cranium?
Why did Robert Mugabe print Zimbabwean currency using the same ochre and charcoal pigments found in the Madre Santos cave paintings under the city of Zaragosa, Spain?
What strange twists of fate link the pelvic structure of Lucy, the early hominid skeleton, the "hobbit" fossils of the island of Flores in the Indian Ocean, and the corkscrew-shaped ivory dildo found by Robert Peary on Baffin Island? These cannot be coincidences!
How is it that baboons, bonabos, and orangutans all possess the fundamental aspects of a Keynsian sexual economy as well as enough hard drugs to deflower every Colombian drug-lord in existence, yet these splendid apes have never developed their own stock market?
In an arid cave near the Eritrean port of Mitsiwa, archaeologist Christine Portneuf discovered slate amulets engraved with shopping lists for items like "True Neanderthal Crime" magazines, giraffe-fetishist appliances, and "Hubby-Begone" household pest eradication spray. These she dated to 131,531 years BC. How are Dr. Portneuf's discoveries related the the multi-decade success of the Rolling Stones, and the subsequent failure of the world economy in the early 21st century?
Anyway. I might suggest just riffing around until you find some new paths to follow.
On Images: Don't put bare images into the article; format them as thumbnails and give them good succinct captions. Make sure that they are relevant, or make them relevant by using them for inspiration in passages of the article.
----OEJ 20:48, 25 December 2008 (UTC)