Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Padmé

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edit Padmé

Hi Team Luna! Here is an article I stumbled on that was only a short para. Period. No categories, no pics, zilch! So I tried to save it from the bin. Any help would be appreciated. Cheers!--Funnybony Icons-flag-th Agnideva-small.jpg AGT-logo-small.jpg 19:28, Aug 8

Funnybony Icons-flag-th Agnideva-small.jpg AGT-logo-small.jpg 19:28, Aug 8 19:28, August 8, 2010 (UTC)

Peregrine-falcon This Falcon will no hesitate to peck out your eyes if you review this article. That is probably because PeregrineFalcon999 has booked it. You have been warned.

I'll do this. 24 hours... --Some_idiot.png 06:21, August 27, 2010 (UTC)

Humour: 5 Hey there! If you haven't read any of my reviews before, this is how this first section works - I go through the article, section by section, and give you some improvement comments. Each title gets a dot point and suggestions, comments and ideas for expansion. Let's get to it, shall we...?
  • Intro: This is pretty good but there a few things that I should touch on. The first sentence is very, very long. Very. I think you may need to break it in half. More importantly, however, is the sudden change in style of writing that isn't the best thing ever. You've got a Wikipedia styled start, then you jump into a completely different style of prose. Pick one style, and stay with it. You can change styles but you must do it perfectly for it to work, and it doesn't quite work here.
  • Birth: This needs a bit of work and maybe some expansion. Change it to 'Childhood' and detail her childhood. When you do this, think of some of her adulthood characteristics you could put to use to make a funny paragraph. You consistently mention she is a pedophile, and we know she is a senator. So how could you use that in a childhood section...? Maybe she showed pedophilia characteristics? Or was kicked off the school student council for bad leadership? This could be great, but needs to be made longer.
  • Child Molestation: Well, you could go into this more. This is a great chance to do some article building, and you could write heaps more here.
  • Romance: This is pretty good.
  • Children: Hurt once again by the problem I will talk about in the Concept section.
  • Transformation: Well, you shouldn't really call this 'Transformation', because it's not Padme transforming, is it? Also, a lot of this stuff deals with Vader here, and not Padme. Remember, you're not writing about Darth, only about Padme. Don't fall off track.
  • Conclusion: Hrm... what? Right what wrong? This is a little bit confusing. You need to explain everything a bit better here.
  • Question: This doesn't at all fit in with the Life section. At all. This will have to be moved. The idea here itself has not been used to it's extent. You can do much more here. And you do not need to say that below you will quote her. It just doesn't fit in.
  • Famous Quotes: The sudden change to centered text doesn't suit me. Maybe you should try out making the text be on the left. The quotes themselves are pretty good.
  • Conversations: These are good, but you may need to put some bigger spaces between the separate pairs.

In conclusion? This article is ok. I don't find it overly funny, but I know it has some potential to be much better. The main problems lie below, in the concept section.

Concept: 6 The biggest problems in your article relate to this section.

Firstly, and probably most importantly, the reason your article is quite not as funny as it should be is that you have underused your ideas. At the moment I feel you've got the good skeleton for an article, but the good ideas you've written about (like the pedophilia one) have only been briefly mentioned and therefore not as funny as they could be. When you have a good idea you should just milk out everything you can with it. Try and make it funny of course. Once have written all you can, trim it down to the best stuff. I feel this is the biggest problem here, because I could give this comment to every section of the article.

While I'm on the subject of expanding ideas, I'll get onto the second problem - your article's sections are very short. Not only does it look not exactly enticing or attractive, but it's the same thing I talked about above - you haven't really used the concept to it's extent. You really need to beef up these sections, but don't draw them out too much or they will begin to become unfunny. Always moderate.

And there's one more thing on the subject of expansion - your article is an introduction, a short section on her life, and then quotes. I won't go on about it, but you could definitely add more here, as your article is rather short and made up of only a couple of parts. My advice here is to check out Wikipedia articles and see all the kind of things the say there. But before I go into that, I've got to go into one brief thing - you've got to decide whether you want to write about Padme as if she is a fictional character, or a real person. If you wanted her as a fictional character, you'd say the same kind of things they'd on the Wikipedia article about her. However, if you wanted to write as if she was a real person, you've got to check out the article on, say, Queen Elizabeth. That's why I've said this before telling you to check out Wikipedia articles, because sometimes you mention George Lucas, but the rest of the time you write as if she is a real person. So that's two more things - add more sections, but decide whether you should write if she is a real person or a fictional character first.

Prose and formatting: 5 I think a lot of prose stuff I have already detailed above. This section is pretty good. However, there are a couple of problems with your formatting. First of all, your short paragraphs don't look particularly good, but I have talked about that above. I also think that the linked titles in here life section don't look very good either. However, the main problem is the spacing of the pictures and the Wikipedia template. At the moment they are wrong sizes and spaced unevenly, some squished tightly together. The best way to solve this would be expanding the article, as I said in the concept section. This way you easily spread out your pictures.
Images: 8 Your images are not funny in themselves but great captions give them some humor. Nothing big to change here.
Miscellaneous: 6 Lowering your score a little...
Final Score: 30 To reiterate, you've got a solid structure for a fantastic article. But the stuff in the concept section is the problem with this article, and the skeleton of an article you've got here has to have flesh, skin and a few slimy organs. You have to expand on what you've got here. That is the biggest thing you've got to concentrate on. I hope I helped here!
Reviewer: --Some_idiot.png 06:58, August 27, 2010 (UTC)
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