Major rewrite and change in tone. Word of VFH has been mentioned for this and I want to see if there is anything I can fix up before it goes in. If you don't get it, the humor is supposed to come from Oscar the Grouch living the classic Great Depression and war veteran life style, but as it would be in Sesame Street. Thanks in advance! Tagstit talk contribs awards 16:50, 27 May 2009 (UTC)
So we're going to do teh section-bysection breakdown process.
Introduction - The introduction was very well played. You got straight to the point, and made a very good and interesting case of why Oscar would be grumpy. The inroduction did its part, which was draw the reader in to the rest of the story. I didn't get many laughs, but that didn't really matter, it drew me in to the rest of the story which was the main supplier of laughs. My only recommendation of improvemnt here is to perhaps crack a joke or two or maybe put in a funny line. Other than that, excellent job!
In the slums - This part of the article was amazing. The idea of him first being completely optimistic caught me by surprise. I particularly enjoyed the portion where he lived in the apartment that wreaked of cabbage (even though I love cabbage). The first paragrpah, in my opinion, was pretty damn near flawless. No confusion, a couple laughs and an excellent idea. The idea of having the great depression was good too, however, once we got into that pargraph, things started to get confusing. I liked how the dad went insane, but I didn't really get what you meant when you said 'When his mother ran to her room crying, Oscar watched as he outright kicked the number "2".' What do you mean by 2? Is it a prism in the shape of a two just sitting there? The same can be said for the bleeding Q. I didn't really get what you were going at there. You should either change the objects around, or clarify what you mean beforehand. Once I got past that though, your article went back up to the level of quality before with the orphanage. I found that quite amusing.
The war - This part of the article probably drew the most laughs from me. I loved the part about Elmo, about how he used to be green and how he needs pills to make him hallucinate now. That was utterly hilarious when I read it! However, I do have a complaint about this section, and that is the fact that it is titled "the war" and only about five sentences are actually about the war. Most of the section was about him in high school. What you could do is make the title "before and after the war" or something of the sort. Or, you could just add more content actually relating to the war itself to make it be the dominant idea in the section, rather than high school. Other that though, well written and good ideas.
Temptations - This part of the article was probably the most creative, in my opinion. Also, it is probably the part where I would have the least ammount of criticism. I didn't really find anything at all wrong with this section. That said, I like how you had Bert be the one who orignally leads Oscar to becoming a candy dealer. And as far as I'm concerned, the "candy dealer" idea is brilliant. Also, I really enjoyed the part where if somebody walked by he would pretend to be telling the kids tha ABC's. Flippin' brilliant! So, like I said, I couldn't really find anything to critcize, so, er, just add some more links or something. Ha just kidding mate. Good job with this section!
Life today - Once again, a well written section. I would have liked to have seen it be a little longer, perhaps you could add some more content into it? I don't really have ideas, but if you're creative enough to make this article I'm sure you'll be able to come up with something. However, I have one question. Is being on Elmo's show his punishment for dealing candy? I believe it is, but you never said it directly, so I'm not sure if it is or isn't. Apart from that, however, another good job.
The ideas in this article are some of the greatest ideas I've ever seen in an article. THe idea of him living through the Depression is unbelieveble. I have practically no criticism for the ideas. THere were a few confusing ideas, like I said the part with the 2 and the Q is a concept that need some help. Also, just make the section about war actually about the war mostly. Those are the only things that are holding you back froma ten in my opinion. Just swich those minor flaws around and if you throw this up for review againm, I'm prett sure you would get a ten for concept. Great work with it, and excellent creativity! I hope you write other aricles with ideas this good.
Prose and formatting:
You did a good job witht the formatting here. I just have a couple of things I would like to point out that stood out to me as erros. They are all very minor, so good job with that. The first one I noticed was the fact that capatalization in titles was a bit of. I Wouldn't have said anything if it weren't for the last section. Not how the other have of the first word capatalized, andthe last one has both. This, like I said, is a very minor error, but the articl would look better if you cahnge it. I recommend that you make the words capatlized, things just look better that way. The second thing I would like to point out is that the last image goes past the text. That is one of the reasons why i suggested you add more text to the last section, so it could go past or be even with the image. You could always just move the image up, though. And last, I would like to see some more links. The article was just a little bit too black. It's not huge, but something I think worth fixing. Other than those erros, I have nothing other to say than Good Job!
Excellent image manipulation. All of the images were well made, and all of them fit their purposes well. I also saw that the second image was featured, so way to go with that! The only recommendation I waould have is to move the last image up so the text goes past it. THat's it, though, so excellent job. THe images did the job almost perfectly!
So, as you could guess, I am going to say excellent job. This article is one of the best I've read since coming to the site! The is very littel room for improvement in any category. Just remember the things that I told you. I'll give a quick rundown right here.
Add a joke or two at the intro - It'll be more complete if you do so, it already does its job well at drawing the reader in, but if you pop a joke or two in there it would be even better at keeping readers in your story.
Clarify - There's only two pats I can mention for this, the part with the @ and Q, and the war. Just make sure to explain and increase content about the war!
That is all. Very little to improve. Why? Cause this article flippin' rocks! If you make those changes, I'll give a big fat for at VFH.