Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Oscar the Grouch
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I don't really think this article is funny. Well...I know it isn't. I tried to go for a dry and generic Depression biography, but it probably doesn't work the way I wanted it. If it does great! But I want some input as to what I can do to improve this.16:13, 1 May 2009 (UTC)
|This article is under review by|
Sayeth Gerry: shotgun!!
|Humour:||5.1||average of scores
this is an excellent start. i like the 'happiest palce on earth' and the foreboding tone of the trials and horrors of oscar's life. the only thing i can think of is that there isn't any specific details in this part. maybe a teaser about his time during whatever you have in store for him (a war, if my VFP memory serves me well). other than that, you clearly lay out your direction, and i am drawn in and find myself wanting to continue reading, which are the introduction's two functions.
hmm, i would say that this section is almost a little too dark. it fits with the rest of the article so far, but it doesn't have the ironically funny feel that the intro has. i would even be so bold as to suggest that oscar spent his whole life in the orphanage instead of ever knowing his parents, and focusing on the humorously poor conditions of that, because as this section stands it's just not high up enough on the humor/darkness scale to be very enjoyable.
well, this section is a little weaker. there aren't really any specific details of his high school career or the time in the war, just vague things listed off. i like the idea of elmo being stained red, and his own world due to hallucinations. but the sentence 'Oscar, and I, and now you, are the only ones that know this though' really isn't necessary and doesn't add much. similarly, muppet sex isn't a big source of comedy, so maybe you could come up with a better way for oscar to lose his girlfriend after the war. overall, i think this could be a pivotal section, and you should go into much more detail about his time in high school, in the fields, in the war, coming back from the war, etc.
this section has brilliant high points, but they struggle in the context of the rest of the section. the parts about the intetconnected trash cans and pretendig to teach the ABCs were absolutely great, but the rest of the section is kind of bland. i think this section would be better with a change in tone, see the concept part for more details on that.
you end without a real good leaving-off note. i have to say that muppet-rape isn't the best vehicle for comedy. when reading this section and the preceding one, an idea came into my head, so i'll go to the concept section and see if i can describe it before it floats away...
|Concept:||8||5/5 for a well-known subject worthy of parody. if you haven't heard of oscar the grouch then you suck.
3/5 points for execution. i wanted to give you a 10 for concept, because i think the depression-era setting and the description of the hard times of oscar leading to him being a grouch is genius. however, i thought of a tweak to your approach that could push this article into 'great' territory'. i think your dark tone is good, but it's just plain dark...i think you need to go sesame street dark. for example, instead of dealing drugs to kids, he might deal candy or something. the dark theme would be tamer, without all the sex and rape and such. instead of going to prison, some other tamer thing would befall him. you can portay him as having a rough life, but only a rough life for a muppet. i think by staying in the sesame street universe and keeping it a little tamer, your humor dividends could go way up. try to imagine telling this story to children, i guess would be a good approach if you decide to go with this concept.
|Prose and formatting:||6||this stuff was a little sub-par. some sections were a bit short, and combining that with the images gives the formatting an awkward look. you could fill out the sections with more content to correct this. you seem to throw commas around at will, you definitely need a proofread, and i'd be happy to give you one, but if you're going to keep working on the article then hold off until you think it's finished (to avoid multiple proofreads).|
|Images:||8||the images are good, if placed a little awkwardly. i think that the war one should obviously go in the war section, but i think your opening image should be in the slums section, and your replacement opening image should be a generic stock photo of oscar.|
|Miscellaneous:||6.8||averaged by a wizard|
|Final Score:||33.9||my preview button tells me that your final score is 33.9, placing this right around 'adequate article' territory. i think with a bit of spit and polish this could surely become a feature. if you go with the 'sesame street dark' theme, i'd be happy to help you try and implement it or give you some further thoughts. if you don't like that idea, this could still be a great article with a little more detail overall. specifics will help enforce the concept, and these details are where you can really put jokes that will drive the humor up. great job, and feel free to ask me any more questions you might have.|
|Reviewer:||17:30, 8 May 2009 (UTC)|