Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Ontological argument

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edit Ontological argument

Jlsmith 21:12, 14 June 2008 (UTC)

Sorry Jl, but I won't be able to get to your article. Looks okay from what I saw, though!

  Le Cejak <18:15, 22 Jun 2008>

Sycamore will piss on this--Sycamore (Talk) 18:16, 22 June 2008 (UTC)
Humour: 7 A very refreshing article to see being done here. It’s pretty funny, however I would say that it really is a Highbrow article, and this will affect the audience for it. It’s pretty badly formatted-which makes it seem much more complex. firstly the intro is too short, and much of the history section could go here, The old adage of Say it, say it once more and say it again is a good one to remember; Its just to diffuse at the beginning, and I think much more effect way of doing this would be to have an "The Argument/Concept/". Similarly the whole end of the piece is a little jammed in there, with a bit section at the end - this should change and be integrated with the rest of the article. The lacks of images perhaps make the piece even less accessible. You could also mention this guy: [1]. There are a couple of lists which don't really work and are generally discouraged on the site (they are magnet for vandals and a re generally unfunny - as is the case here). The last bit is grammatically unsound and should go. I think you could have a bit more of a human face throughout, the first one that came to me was Beetlejuice that could be hysterical. Remember it’s always good to have a central character figure to connect with readers.
Concept: 5 It's actually brilliant; I just don't think there’s much chance on the VFH with it at the moment. It's a bit dodgy on the construction have a read of these for some tips HTBFANJS and Beginner's Guide. I think that you could broaden the concept out a little, Its quite short and smug, you could risk opening it out a little - or provide a more narrative structure to it to add to comic value
Prose and formatting: 6.5 Alright, listy/the links I’ve added along with categories-still to few/Random badly inserted quotes. I've tided it up a bit to try and pull it together better, but it could do with a more work on the Prose and formatting front
Images: 0 Oh deary me – you can look on a search engine or ask for one here: [Corner (or Image Request)]
Miscellaneous: 6 Alright - I would say that you could do something very interesting with this, providing you do a little more work with it, add images and make it a little more accesible for mre users.
Final Score: 24.5 Pretty good - if you need anything just leave a note on my talk page;)
Reviewer: --Sycamore (Talk) 11:50, 23 June 2008 (UTC)
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