Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Okami

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edit Okami

Cat the Colourful (Feed Me!!!)Leave me alone... Sleeping Cat 11:06, March 5, 2011

I'll give this a shot. I've never played it though so it may be lost on me. Just a warning. Jackofspades (talk) 19:09, March 9, 2011 (UTC)
Humour: 6 Well Cat, it looks like you have an article here that is still in the early stages. As of right now you have quite a bit to fix. However, most of that isn't to do with the humor, so here we go with the humor review.

Intro

This section has a couple good observations in it about the game that need to be nurtured until they are funny. You have the baby versions of jokes here already, "the Goddess of the sun comes down to from celestia in the form of a wolf for some reason" is a good observation that there's really no reason for Amateratsu to come down to earth, you just need to actually make a joke out of it. Perhaps she came down to get a pedicure? After all she has been up there for thousands of years, it's about time. "...old drunken loser who thinks he is some great warrior because his grandfather was one" is is pretty good joke as it is, but it lacks something. I think you can keep the concept of the joke, but you should change the wording around a bit so that it reads more like "Amateratsu, who mistakenly believes that there is a hero gene that, obviously, skips a generation" or something like that. "Amaterasu...which almost sounds like Tiramisu, which is a italian dessert of some kind" is a good observation, but explaining what Tiramisu is makes this joke weak. Instead you could replace that segment of the sentence with something like "which would make her the tastiest hero since Babe the pig." The section about Amateratsu being able to make all kinds of stuff is pretty funny, although you maybe want to work on that a bit more if you want to make this a feature.

Plot

There aren't very many jokes in this section, even jokes in their early stages. I would recommend adding more, but really this whole section needs to be expanded so worry about that first. "For an example of thankless people, there is this older girl with a younger one, who doesnt believe in Ammy until the end of the game. That bitch..." This part can be combined with the sentence before it which talks about the thankless people to read more like "...to save a bunch of people who won't even believe she exists until to end of the game." The second paragraph doesn't really have any jokes in it right now, but you have some things that can be expanded upon to make jokes quite easily. However, the humor isn't the main thing you need to improve upon in this article so I'll move on.

Celestial Gods

Although this is pretty much a list you've done a good job in adding explanations of each of the gods after their names. However, a couple of the entries you write something like "I don't know" which isn't funny for the most part. It also kind of breaks the illusion of the encyclopedia-style article that you've built up before this. When the narrator of an article doesn't know something it makes the reader think that the person who wrote the article was just lazy. A good example of one of the gods you did is "Kabekami" in which you reference spider man. However the last line of the "prayer" doesn't fit the song and doesn't really make sense so you might want to change that. The entry for "Itegami" is also pretty good as using a refrigerator is somewhat believable while still being outrageous. Other than those two I would recommend revisiting the entries in this section with some new content. Also remember that you don't have to make a joke on every single one, sometimes making the reader work for a good joke is better than giving them a lot of not very good jokes.

Characters

The Amateratsu section has a couple of the premature jokes that are also in a couple other places in this article. The joke about Amateratsu being also a god of paper is ok, but after that the jokes don't seem to pan out. The last sentence is just "How stupid gods really are?" which doesn't make sense because it isn't the gods that are being stupid, it's the people. Inaccuracies are rarely funny, even less so when they contradict what has already been said. Going back a little, the sentence before the characters doesn't work for me. You reference ChiefjusticeDS, but no one outside of Uncyc would know who he is (or, not everyone at least) so it really isn't that funny. The section about Issun is pretty good right now. I really like the part about saying that his clues are redundant then coming right back and making it obvious the player doesn't know how to solve the puzzle. However, the last sentence about him getting angry doesn't work, mainly because this happens in just about every anime. I would recommend removing this sentence as this part ends just as well with the sentence before it. The Mr. and Mrs. Oranges section just lends itself to fruit jokes, but right now you just seem to have facts from the game that fall flat. This could be made better if you rewrote this part, or maybe took it out all together as they don't seem to be major characters. The blockhead section needs to be expanded to make it more clear what exactly you are quoting from and why you hate them so much. Explaining a bit more about the quote could be good for this section, but be careful not to over explain as they detracts from the comedy. The last section on Orochi is pretty good but could use a little expanding as right now there isn't very much there. I do like the joke about him being a pokemon though, it's good.

Concept: 5 This is a fairly mundane topic as there are plenty of video game articles that make fun of the characters in the game. Although, not completely original the concept of the article itself is pretty good. As it is right now, though, the way you executed the idea isn't very well done. As I said above a lot of your jokes are still in the fledgling stages. They need to be looked over before they are vandalized by IPs (or worse, other users) so that you can get what you want to say in. The main thing I want to say is that you should remember that time=funny, keep working with this article and it will get better.

There are a couple things I want to address in this section. The first thing is that you don't make it 100% clear who some of the characters are in the Intro and Plot section. There is one person the "drunk who thinks he's a swordsman" and you never explain who that character is and whether or not it's Amateratsu or not. Another thing is that there is this character of Ammy that you never explain who that is either. Are these all the same person? Or are they three different characters, this needs to be made clear. Another, little, thing is that in the infobox there is just a {{{port}}} in the section for port. I don't know how to fix this, but I'm sure you can look at other pages that use this template. That needs to be fixed.

Prose and formatting: 3 Right now this article has a good format, but the prose needs a great deal of work.

The grammar in the first couple of sentences is pretty good, but it quickly erodes after that. I would recommend reading through it again to figure some of the stuff out (or if English isn't your first language, get someone else to read it over for you.) I'll just list a couple things that I noticed in this article.

  • Only words at the beginnings of sentences and peoples' names should be capitalized.
  • Periods should end thoughts. I noticed a few times were you have periods, but don't begin with a new subject and instead use the subject of the previous sentence. Example: "All the while making flowers bloom and using a magical paint brush that freezes time giving the main character, Amaterasu...which almost sounds like Tiramisu, which is a italian dessert of some kind. Enough time to Draw magical lines or symbols that do some crazy awesome shit like summon a cherry bomb the size of a horse or slow down time, summon fire,lightning water, Grow lily pads on water to jump across, Make vines to swing on, attract nearby sources of fire,lighting,water. Make it rain, Make plants grow, cut shit, blow shit up and many more that I cannot think of right now." that should all be one sentence (once it's trimmed down obviously.) There are also a lot of misused capitals in that example.
  • Extra or left out words. There are many places that feel as if you started one sentence and then didn't finish it, but began to write a similar one, with a word from the previous one left. There are also instances where you left out words or put other words in place of those words. An example is "comes down to from celestia in the form of a wolf" where you have both the words "to" and "from" where you should only have one or the other.
  • There are point which you use the word "I" or "we" which should be taken out. Referring to yourself doesn't befit a encyclopedia article, especially when you've set up the rest of the article to seem like a factual representation.

If every single one of these instances were to be fixed in your article it would substantially improve it. I would recommend working on this first, as if you wait until you have a longer article to do this it would take a couple hours, whereas now it may only take an hour or two.

Images: 6 Right now you only have 2 images for a fairly long article. This isn't enough. The first image of Amateratsu in the infobox is a good picture, but images in infoboxes generally don't have captions. I would recommend using the image you had originally in the infobox of the title of the game and moving the Amateratsu picture into the main article while keeping the caption. If you do end up moving the pic then you should make it smaller as right now it would just seem odd to have such a big pic outside the infobox. I would suggest moving it to the characters section and finding another, smaller, pic to put in the plot section. The second image is relevant and pretty funny, but the caption doesn't make a lot of sense. Right now it's "Pyromaniacs at full speed!" and, although this is probably referring to the smaller pigs in the image, it isn't very clear what that means. I would recommend adding a joke here. Perhaps something along the lines of "This makes more sense after playing the game. Or smoking a lot of hash." but the actual caption is up to you. Just make sure it makes sense to someone who hasn't played the game.
Miscellaneous: 4 Overall "feel" of the article.
Final Score: 24 Right now I would consider this an ok article, but with some more time invested into it, it could become a very good article. Last thing I want to say is: make sure this article makes sense even to those who haven't played the game.
Reviewer: Jackofspades (talk)
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