Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/OH SHIT!!!! I Fucked My Girlfriend's Mother!!!!
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I made this in only a few days. Indepth please. Thanks!--If you're 555 then I'm Talk What's it like to be a heretic? 21:45, December 19, 2010 (UTC) If you're 555 then I'm Talk What's it like to be a heretic? 21:45, December 19, 2010 (UTC)
- CHief said he might be able to do this.--If you're 555 then I'm Talk What's it like to be a heretic? 22:01, December 19, 2010 (UTC)
- Take your time, I'm in no rush.--If you're 555 then I'm Talk What's it like to be a heretic? 03:21, December 23, 2010 (UTC)
|Humour:||6||Ok so most of this might seem mean, but I'm not trying to be. I'm just trying to be being honest (and hopefully helpfull). So ya...
First of all you need to move this to the UnScripts namespace. It really seems like a play, and besides, that seems to make more sense...
Ok so then you need to remove those quotes at the top. Don't even try to save them. They don't even fit in, seeing as this is supposed to be a story of sorts... Also, they're kinda clichy (especially that last one. It made me groan.)
Ok so the introduction, it's good, but there's just one thing... At the end of the introduction where you do that "The event begins....right....about....just a little more...." thing, you take it way to far. It's funny but you made it go on longer than it should've. Change it so it says "The event begins....right....about....just a little more....almost there....NOW!!!!". That whole only 100000 years left thing was very unfunny.
First/Second section (10:00 Am & Back at the House)
So the first section after that is fine. I even kinda liked that whole "And I fucked my Cousin's Wife" thing.
It's the second section I have a problem with. Namely that big thing at the very end with Carlos on the telephone and everything. What ever you call that thing where you never actually read what Carlos is saying but you still get the jist of the conversation. Can really be a great source of humor. But they way it was done in your article felt very random. With the OJ Simpson stuff. And the selling drugs thing. It's just weird... Also at the end of that big thing with Carlos on the phone, you say that thing about how Carlos has always been good to you except that time he got you both in jail while doing that stuff with a motorcycle which involved explosives that did 76 billion dollars in damage in an fail to impress your ex-girlfriend. Well you over explane that way too much. Al you really need is the part about getting you guys in jail. So maybe you could do something like "/picks up phone and calls Carlos/ Hey Carlos, sup buddy? I'm good. Listen, you seem a bit preoccupied so I'll make this quick: I need to talk to someone about a situation I'm in. So can you call Lisa and meet me at Burger King? Ya I know you're a vegetarian, but this is important! Never mind about my dentist appointment today, how the hell do you even know about that? Never mind, just get your ass over to Burger King ok? Great! Bye. /Hangs up/ Man, sometimes Carlos can be such a pain in the ass. Yet, I have to admit, he's always been good to me in my time of need. Well, minus the time he got us both in jail, and that other time, and the time before that... But other than that, he's good to me."
Third section (Burger King)
There are a couple things wrong with this section. Like when Greg and Carlos get into a fight, at one point Greg says "Your face" to Carlos. Well that Im sorry to say just isn't funny. I don't know what you would put there instead, but you should remove the your face thing.
And then later Carlos says "You could have chosen Pizza Hut at least." And greg says "Pizza Hut gives me gas.". But let me tell you something: That's not funny either. Maybe instead Greg could say something like "No, I hate Pizza hut. That's where all the perverts and mother fuckers hang out". Or something...
Also that jacking off in public thing with Carlos, that's a no go. It's just too crude to be funny. So I'd just take that whole thing out.
Then At one point Greg says "Pfffffffffff, I won't have a problem keep this little secret from Sara. If politicians can do it with their promises to their country, I can do it with Sara." Again, you're over explaining it. All it needs to say is "Pfffffffffff, I won't have a problem keep this little secret from Sara. If politicians can do it, then so can I."
Then there's that thing about how Greg says Carlos is the grosses Hindu he has ever known. And Carlos says "At least I'm not a mother fucker! Suck on that, BIIIIEEEETCH!!!!" Well the "Suck on that, BIIIIEEEETCH!!!!" is bad. So just remove the "Suck on that, BIIIIEEEETCH!!!!" And that joke will be fine.
Fourth section (Feather Broom Peak)
Ok, so at the begining you do that thing with Sara where she says she is beautiful. And Greg says "More like fucking gorgeous." Then Sara "Oh Greg, you're so silly. Its a beautiful view here. You picked a perfect place to take a view of the night sky." Well I just thought it might be funny if then Greg said "More like fucking gorgeous!" Anyway, I just wanted to say, I really liked that joke where Greg is about to tell Sara and then Sara tells Greg how she loves it how he never liest to him. That was really funny.
So then after Greg thinks "Some man I am." you should redo it. Maybe something along the lines of this:
"(Thinking to himself) Some man I am.
Fifth section (Neighborhood)
This section is mostly fine. Except I really don't think that dog sparky should be in there. If I were you, I'd remove him.
Sixth section (Sara's House)
This section is also prety much fine. Except I just think it would sound better if Sara said "I'm glad you could come over to help out with our science project. It's due Tuesday ya know.
Seventh section (The Confession)
I actually really like this section. With the voice, and the "birds and the bees and the squirrels" joke. So good job there. A little bit crude, but good for the most part.
Eighth section (Epilogue)
Well, this section is... Well pretty bad. A bit to self referential for my blood. With all the "Hey, I got an idea! How about we take this event and put it on a website that is just like Wikipedia but is all about humor and brown box shape monsters? And we can title it, OH SHIT!!!! I Fucked My Girlfriend's Mother!!!!" And talking to the Author. So um... ya... I really don't know how to make this section much better. If it were me, I'd just remove this whole section. But it's up to you. All I really have to say is all that self reference, no good.
Ninth section (See Also)
Just joking I won't reveiw this section.
|Concept:||7||Pretty good I guess. I little crude, but I really kinda like it. Like I said you need to move it to the UnScripts namespace. Be cause that's really what this is, a play!|
|Prose and formatting:||8||Well the sections seemed to be in good order.
But I'm really bad at speeling and gamor myself. I did however notice that you don't like to use apostrophes. You would say "Its" instead of "It's". So you need to work on that. I would suggest using the Uncyclopedia proofreading service. Or a online spell and gammer checker.
But other than that it was fine.
|Images:||7||I mean they're ok, but you need more of them. I guess I'll just review the ones you already have:
I really don't like this picture. Instead may you could use this one and say something like "God Carlos is soo annoying sometimes!"
I like the image, but the caption is a no go. But like I said in the humor section *points up* you can use it to in a very funny way.
Fine I guess, nothing really special about it, but I guess it's fine. All I would suggest is to use a picture of an older Morgan Freeman and take out the "in his early days at least" thing.
The picture is good, I don't really like the caption though. Maybe instead you could say something along the lines of "Oh god, I can see it now..." I don't know...
|Miscellaneous:||7||You're score avreged|
|Final Score:||35||So ya, it's ok, not great, but ok. It'll take some work on your part, but you can do it.|