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Already reviewed by Led (who really liked it), and it has been upgraded. I want a final going over. I want a CLEAR, EXTENSIVE REVIEW, OKAY? Am I being too much of a review Nazi? Yes. Yes I am. • <-> Dec 2, 15:23
- Demanding cuss, aren't you?....This one reminds me of "Down Home Drug Commercial"..probably because i just reviewed that one. Very similiar approach, but I won't deduct for that. Each piece must stand on it's own...onward...
|Humour:||9||Concept was pretty good. Execution was a bit better, as it took me until 'hook for a hand' to figure it out.|
|Concept:||8||Concept was pretty good, although only 1 basic 'joke', you put in a few layers (i got some of the names as well...errrr...well i connected those names to various 'pirate' literature..but i read a lot)|
|Prose and formatting:||8||now i know mr. pirate was supposed to slipping in and out of normal speech/pirate speech, but his NORMAL speech ranged from regular joe/effimate female (pfft)/hippy (funky bowtie ..emphasis on funky)/classy guy (grand old time)...was this on purpose, or did you intend to have only 2 personalities...just curious|
|Images:||7||yes i read that Led told to you put in more. Honestly, they were adaquate..nothing really outstanding.|
|Miscellaneous:||10||Coast of Arizona|
|Final Score:||42||see below|
Prose: HMMM...i could think of many many ways to rework this, but then it wouldn't be YOURS anymore...first off, i would decide if my character had a split personality or multiple..and work that up. I would also use names that, upon re-reading the story, would click to 'pirate' names (reader: oh shit, its all pirate names..hehehe)...(does anyone besides me read a story 2x...just to pick up the subtleties...i dunno)
keep the neighbor's comments as they are..that works good. bold and 'topic heading'
Images: hell i cant think of anything offhand that might work better. I would have to go trolling the internet. Like i said before, the images were adaquate. they dont detract..but they also dont really add anything to the piece as well. They are just...there...i really wish i had a good idea for them..but i just got home from work...maybe after a glass of wine and i 'loosen' up. Sorry i cant be much help on this particular....yet
Im confused about Led's comment about making it clearer that the guy was a pirate..i figured it out by the time i got to 'hook for hand'...and hell...i thought it was really CUTE when i hovered and found 'map' 'treasure'...its THOSE type of subtleties that make me think "hey this guy has some grey matter, and it's in USE"...it is a type of layering that is unique to internet writing...its much more difficult to have strictly WRITTEN prose have multiple layers...BELIEVE ME..that is the form of MY major writing..having a sentence or paragraph play with your head.
I will agree with Led in making the 'pirate' persona a bit more vague. for instance..instead of the neighbor saying "why do you have a hook for a hand" he could say "what happened to your hand"..and mr. pirate can comment how he lost it..and couldn't afford one of those expensive mechanical hands, and could only afford a hook-type appendage. I think that would be a bit more subtle. Honestly, when the neighbor said "hook for a hand" ..i instantly figured out the identity.
What i DID like was the strawberry jam...i didnt get that one until the 2nd read...nicely done...thats what im talking about.
I know my last 2 reviews have not been as in depth as you might have wanted, but by the same token, i'm sure that you understand my little nudges. YOU dont require a fucking baseball bat to the head. I dont want to write the damn thing for ya, I would rather just make a couple of suggestions, and they should lead you to..as you consider them...other obvious, yet unspoken little issues. If not...i CAN get my whomping stick out...
...the 'fishy' one....(or 'fine eye us' ...my words are multi-foiled) (egad im giving it away) Hell i bet no-one ever even noticed that my 'F' and 'S' is yellow...for 'Fresh Stain' ...pee reviewer status...oh well...genius is pain....lol